Mad Strings 9: Go Solo

synapses fire. bodies gyrating to the beat of the music. and then. there was fire. the coastline of our lips met. how is it possible that we meet people through such unexpected events? is that how the song of time works? you never really hear the symphony. you just feel it, throbbing in your chest.

give in to the passion.

--

despite the initial heat, i don't think i would lie down in the bed being offered. i don't want to. not now. i have blue and purple dreams to pursue. i have a life to put in order. please be still, little tremors.

--

in other news, add me up on BBM and twitter. i'll show you my pin if you show me yours. ;) as for twitter, i picked a random name: @KeanDrey_ism. See you!

Silver Balls

don't you just love the christmas weather? the crisp, chilly winds from the north are back. hearkens me back to the days when i was but a wee little carefree version of myself. why can't we just be that? nowadays, all we associate with the wind is warming up with someone. where did that notion come from in the first place?

--

i love working in the Bonifacio Global City, especially during the yuletide season. i could even say i love it way more than i loved Makati back in the days. BGC with its wide streets, decors all around, posh establishments and condos...it's almost perfect!

it's here where i can just walk around and feel the wind. it just gives me that warm and fuzzy christmas feeling. suddenly those long lost, idyllic memories of youth come rushing back.

sigh.

--

i think Christmas 2010 is one of my best yet. i don't know why. maybe because i have so much to celebrate. accomplishments, be it little or grand, marked this year for me.

i was able to make a lot of things happen.

--

i'm really looking forward to the coming year with renewed hope and positivity.

--

good vibes, everyone!

When It Rains, It Pours

namesake (N1)
a few days before the party, he was leaving messages on my Facebook.

weird. awkward. but somehow, stirRing.

it's been 2 months since he tore me up and left me broken. all of a sudden, trite little messages here and there.

messages that led texting.
texting that led to eating out again.
Eating out that led to long walks in the misty morning.

damn.

why do i Yearn for those little moments we share? why you of all people? why do i throw my ego to the wind, in expense of your affection? why do i put up with this?

love? bah. humbug. you and your twisted rules of engagement.

--

namesake's namesake (N2)
out of spite, i had a night on the towN 2 days ago. i'm not the bar type, but i decided to check one out in Ortigas.

and damn i partied like it's 2012! danced hard, drank harder. lOl.

--

that's when he caught my eye. then, the dance. you know the Motions: furtive glances. the approach. the nibble. the feigned disinterest. the sense of wanton disregard of tomorrow. when i'm intoxicated my level of inhibition drops. and boy, i was drunk as hell!

--

you know that feeling that when you like someone, read: really really like? it's that anD more.

--

we stole the dancefloor from everybody. haters and admirers just looking on to what we do next.

--

he kissed me hard.and i kissed him back. and then the world was on fire.

--

fuck.

--

he was asking me to go home with him.

i wanna get down, but not the first night.

a cookie if you remember that song.

--

just call me N (N)
my beck friend waited for me to end my tryst. my beck friend who had always been there. who've witnessed me in my lowest low after N1 ripped my heart out.

he was advising me against going to NNs pad (i was actually thinking of going! haha). he had all the convincing words. he so adamant in telling me off. he was stern but reprimanding.

he was so up in my case. and i'm getting confused.

that's when the alcohol in me took over. i freakin lost it. i started sobbing like a damned fool. i know it doesn't make sense, but what does when you are so deep into the rabbit hole?

he shushed me. he held my hand, consoled me. then he kissed me.

i'm fucked.

--

have a bamboozling middle of the week, folks!

Part Time Show Off

why do we bother going to these parties? simple. we have the yearning to be seen in our best. doesn't matter what the original intention was. all people want is to be noticed/admired/deified. everything is so superficial.

damn, i hate parties.

--

that is not to say that i am not going though.

--

one of my pet peeves is a theme lacking in imagination. one of my friends said theirs was: Wear Red. LOL. it probably took, what? a year to conceptualize that.

tonight, i'm coming in a 3 piece suit. Oscar's Awards Night...2 steps above whoa, stupid; a half step above unimaginative; and 3 steps below amazing. so so.

--

i've never been the "look at me!" type, but tonight, damn i'm gonna kill it. LOL.

--

what is your company's theme this year and what rating do you give to it?

Cool Breeze

can you feel it? it's almost here: that one time in the year.

i wish i can bring back the Christmases of my youth. how come everything was better in retrospect? i miss feeling the nippy air. i miss the folly. i miss the bliss.

what do you miss about the holiday?

28

today, i turn a year older. today, i turn a year wiser. today, i look in the mirror and still see the boy from 15 years ago. 

today, is my name day.

--

what do i have so far? lemme count the ways...

i am just thankful that the Higher Power gave me just enough. i know how valuable things are because i know what i have and do not have..yet. :)

--

this year, my goal is total financial freedom. i need to learn the virtue of saving. 

--

this year i also want to veer away from being a cougar. the last two boys (literal) that had been linked to me are way too young. 

this year, i'm sticking to my target: -1 and +4 year at most.

--

thank you for all the FB greetings, dear friends. to my blogger friends, i wish you good tidings on this day.

--

speaking of good tidings, isn't it coincidental that on my day, somebody hits the Lotto Jackpot?

Night Wind

lately i'vE been finding myself having a good time with this boy (boy literally...5 yeaRs younger than me). very adorable, yet very profound and eLoquent. sometimes i get stumped on what to say when he speaks his beautiful mind. he took me places i've never even dreamed/dared gOing. he showed me what it was to hold the weight of the world and still manage to break through with a smile and a positive attitude. he is wise way beyond his years- like an older gentleman trapped within a young boy's (sexy) body. he took my hand, led me out of the confines i placed myself in. i'm freed from my own torments. he made everything alright again. the skies may still be grey outside the window, but it can not be any more delightful inside. he healed me.

we are having so much fun... 

only, he is takEn.

School or Wheels? Response

several posts back, i asked this questioN.

now i have an answer: i am now a certified blue eaglE.

three factors made me consider post grad studies over a cAr. the first is my former flame (you know, the one that sputtered out?). well he may be scum, but at least he inspired me to get the degree rather than the wheels. i'll just think that's his contribution to the story that is my life.

second consideration: time. and by that i mean my youth is soon out the door. in 2 years' time, i would not be in that bracket anymore. heck, not even the "young adults" one. i say, bring it on! haha.

third, well, to be honest, pride. pride in where i am at right now and where i want to be. the incessant pursuit of pride.there, that was hard to spit ouT. at the end of the day, much as we wouldn't want to, we tend to feed that little monster inside of us. if left unchecked, it will devour us. so here's what i'd like to do: i'd convert that sin into something that will drive me.

i want to be a better me. how's that for a cliche? Ok, try this: i will rise above what my genes, my heritage, and my status quo, dictates me to be (wait, that is not a cliche?). i would think that the box is a diaphanous veil that even though it's there, i can look way past it.

--

while my schedule is a killer (school then work then everything elsE), i am actually looking forward to more of this. yup, i have this really bad case of masochism.

--

and so the school year started. 2 years of my life already on track.

--

i told my thunderbecky friend (who is into straight guys): "mother, i now know how it feels to have a scholarship foundation!". close to tears of joy, he said "finally anak, welcome to the club! sinech ang bagets mo?" to which i simply said: "me".

--

happy Sunday!

Cash Flow

damn...

what do i do with you, oh 13th month pay? lord give me the strength...

Walled City

In the dead of night, the truth comes in a blaze. all the hurt fades, blows away in the wind. you are living proof that life is still wonderful despite everything. these walls of old would be mute witnesses to how the cinders came to be. too bad, you have someone.

T.B.L. Vol. 3: The Game of Chance

T.B.L. stand for The Becklette Lessons. i would like to define becklette as a becky who is of the age of innocence (or lack thereof). anywhere between teen to early 20s. i want to impart knowledge to my brethren who are of the younger set. there are so many of them out there.

if you do not fall within this age range anymore, you have to admit, you were a becklette once. didn't we, at one point in our lives, say this: i wish i knew then what i know now? some of us grow older, but never grow up. maybe, just maybe, this could still help.

lesson #8: the fall

never fall in "love" on the first date then fall out of "love" on the fifth. it's recklessly wasteful to start something you would not be finishinG. you see, that's what make the becky culture so volatile. our people do not put value into a long and steady phase. nowadays, it's all "i find that itty bitty teeny weeny speck of imperfection in you and that's it, it's over". blame it on the horsed-faced lady from that show about how she found her man despite her horse-faced-ness.

you are not a quality analyst on a production line who throws away the refuse. embrace everything there is in that guy you are dating. just think of it this way: you are not THAT perfect as you delude yourself to be.

lesson #9: sometimes you are the Popoy, sometimes the Basha...
(a.k.a. watch One More Chance)

yes, I am deadly serious. the one with John Lloyd and Bea? yep. that's the one.

this movie speaks volumes of truth about relationships be it heterosexual or beckysexual.

even though lesson number 2 (TBL vol.1) explicitly said that there is no such thing as a 3-month rule in the becky world, we can relate to these heterosexual rules:

-there is always an inevitable end.
-either you will get your heart trampled upon, or you are the one who did the trampling.
-make up/break up sex is the hottest.
-losing someone could drive you to your madstrings.
-friends are the anchor to your sanity.
-there are also the stupid haircuts after every break up. (wait, what!? you don't do that?)

and since the becky world is getting smaller and smaller nowadays (everybody is somebody's ex), you are bound to flip flop between the two roles.

although here's my caveat: watch it on DVD and then end the movie when they say their farewell at the UST football field. that is where the movie truly ends.

lesson #10: ...but no, you don't get to speak your lines

yes, in your head it feels good to come up with lines such as:
-
P: "Five years? Itatapon mo lang lahat?"
B: "Kailangan ko to, kailangan mo rin."
P: "Pero ikaw ang kailangan ko."
-
B: "Ang totoo hanggang ngayon umaasa parin ako na sabihin mong ako parin. Ako na lang. Ako na lang ulit."
-
P: "She loved me at my worst. You had me at my best. And you chose to break my heart."
-
T: Mahal mo pa ba siya?
P: Ayokong nakikitang nasasaktan.
T: (She reaches out and softly closes his eyes.) Para kung masaktan man ako, hindi mo makikita...Mahal mo pa ba siya?
P: (He starts to sob) I'm sorry.
-
P: Siguro kaya tayo iniiwanan ng mga mahal natin dahil may darating pang ibang mas magmamahal sa'tin - 'yung hindi tayo sasaktan at paasahin...'yung magtatama ng lahat ng mali sa buhay natin.

dear little drama queen, wake up and smell the celluloiD. life never sets you up to deliver these mushy killer lines. when you are at the moment, all you have are caveman-level thoughts, let alone the ability to utter coherent sentences. you only get to think of these knock out lines AFTER the event.

lesson #11: stop watching sappy love stories

if by any random circumstance you find yourself relating to a movie because the events that transpired eerily mirrored what's in your life, then it just means one thing. damn, your life is boring! why? because someone, somewhere out there, tapping on his/her keyboard was able to map out your point A to point B. it is then when you are no longer unique, no longer adding anything new to the tapestry that is the human evolution of love.

dear, go write your own story! enough said.
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it's a Friday everyone! go knock yourselves silly.

Blood/Ties

i got a nasty "paper" cut from the pint of Selecta Strawberry Ice Cream's tin foil. can you believe it? tin foil! those things are deadly!

at first I didn't notice it, sabi ko pa sa mga trainees ko: "Wow ang red naman nito" only to find out... haha. i almost fainted on my way to the clinic 'coz it was oozing (blood mortifies me). to think I almost sucked on it. Vampire Diaries much?

--

it's official. i have a new collection/obsession.

i am a tie person. tie, as in you know,

this:

although i have some from way back, i'm not really a big fan of the fat ones. the skinny ones are ok, but i gotta say, i love my slim ones the most. i've noticed that over the past few months, my collection has grown to a considerable amount. anything that occupies more than 10% of my closet is deemed considerable. and to think they are just ties!

i got them from all over. department stores, boutiques, flea markets, upscale establishments abroad... from dirt cheap (but trendy) to nosebleedingly expensive (think designer) ones.

i got a whole spectrum of colors. colors that becklettes/thunderbecks would have a field day trying to identify the color (periwinkle? mauve? burnt sienna?).  heck, at this point i could "out-color" a rainbow. and i've only just begun. ha!

now i just know there is a Freudian theory out there that best explains the psychoanalytical aspect of this obsession, but fuck whatever that is!

i love my ties.

--

Wednesdays=hump of the week. Happy humping! :)

He Walks On

alas, i've officially overcome the drama, the self-inflicted pain, the unmitigated languishing. here i am, fresh as a daisy on a dew-filled morning. watch out world, here i go again. i hope you are ready for me, 'cause i sure am ready for you.

--

you are never left wanting, so i've learned. if you can not find that elusive thing called love in one person, open your eyes because there are a lot of people with bits and pieces of it for you. fragmented, yes. but when you put it all together, it would be far greater than the love you'd get from one.

--

my compulsion to shop is rearing it's head once again. i have a backlog of clothes that i bought last week that i haven't even worn yet...hehe.

--

my friend S and i stormed MegaMall this afternoon. i can't believe the crowd. it's been ages since i've gone out to shop on a Friday (a payday Friday, at that). nevertheless, it was a blast. thanks, S!

--

Teriyaki Boy, FTW! although, one kink in my orgasmic eating binge was the fact that they ran out of Shake Sashimi (Salmon). arg! but the rest of the dishes were delish.

--

i have encountered a very bizarre Filipino phenomena...people flocking to Forever 21. and when i say flocking, i mean waiting IN LINE for a bazillion minutes just to get into the freaking store! the line snakes in and out of the perimeter of the store. and what's so mind boggling is i see people just patiently waiting in line. like they are in a stupor or a drug induced hallucination. maybe, in their heads, they are daydreaming of buying rainbows and unicorns inside the store. i just shook my head in disbelief. i've been in the store before, and i didn't see anything spectacular. it's like H&M-lite.

is this another fad? if so, i find it ...so sad.

--

i feel just great. yeah. and i don't know why, but i'm again very optimistic about everything. maybe i've found my rose-colored glasses again. or maybe it's something else. no matter what, i feel something good is coming.

--

happy weekends, becklettes and thunderbecks!

Staying Up

i guess the last entry was just way too lazy. well at least for me. i could at least tell you what it was about. at least, in bits and pieces.

ok, i wanted to extract myself from this state of single blessedness that i am in. and boy did i really think that i finally got my shot. i met someone.


but alas, the fates may have been setting me up for their amusement. it wasn't meant to be. i tried to be at my best. i gave it the patented advent-style of panliligaw (side note: i always do the panliligaw...somehow, the thought of being the recipient of the ligaw makes me uncomfortable...i guess i'm still a boy deep inside). i always go for the unexpected and the memorable. i gave it one heck of a shot.


...


and then the day he uttered these lines: "don't you think we're better off as friends?". the pain sliced through me like a hot knife through butter.

--

i was supposed to write about what happened between me and the most recent "i-never-got-there" friend. but i figured, the only thing flying out of my mouth/fingers is drivel. saccharine and slow. i'm done with purple prosing. i guess it's just not me anymore. this new me is about empowerment.

so yeah, here i am alone again. single. yearning. oh fuck. i think i'm done with wallowing. at least for now.

hi, i'm advent, and i eat rejections for breakfast.

next!

--

2 entries back, i noticed i got a whopping string of comments. i'm sorry if i haven't replied. but i appreciate it all the same. and i do hope it's about the message of the entry that's coming across and not my, uhm, new look. hehe.

PS. to mr. anonymous...i know all you've been posting is either how fat i am and how unappealing i am to you now. i would just like to tell you to go fuck yourself and i know your IP and i swear, when i find you imma gonna cut your face!

..

i'm kidding. LOL. i completely agree. i'm "fatter" now. thank god. at least i know my weight gain program is working. oh and i can't please everyone, right? wanna go out on a date? wink. LOL.

Waking Up

damn. single blessedness my ass. this sucks!

A Walk in the Mist: A Prologue

One hot summer's day a Fox was strolling through an orchard till he came to a bunch of Grapes just ripening on a vine which had been trained over a lofty branch. "Just the thing to quench my thirst," quoth he. Drawing back a few paces, he took a run and a jump, and just missed the bunch. Turning round again with a One, Two, Three, he jumped up, but with no greater success. Again and again he tried after the tempting morsel, but at last had to give it up, and walked away with his nose in the air, saying: "I am sure they are sour."

This isn't as hard as I thought it would be. 

I've never had a stick of cigarette my entire life. Back home, my mom and my grandma are walking pugons. I grew up swimming in a pool of smoke, thinking that smoking is as commonplace as the air itself. 

As the years passed by, I've probably inhaled more smoke from peers than they ever have themselves. It's easy to spot me in the crowd. I'm the only one without a stick in hand...and the one who keeps on raving maniacally against smoking.

I had a brief but life-changing thought over the weekend. If I must go on extolling the bad effects of smoking on one's health, how different am I to the fox who never got the chance to taste that luscious fruit?

Whose word would you listen to about the war: that of a soldier - all grimy, messed-up, toughened by the trenches; or that of a novelist who went around doing his little researches, all for the aim of literary integrity and poetic license? 

Mark this day for this is the one that will live in infamy (or glory, depending on what side your looking from, right Roosevelt?). My goal is simple: I will smoke for a year, then quit. Can it be more clear-cut than that? In the intermediate period, I will write about the experience as much as I can. 

Am I scared? Two answers: Of course not! and Hell, yes! One stems from the side of me that believes I have insurmountable strength to overcome this, and the other from the doubt lingering in my mind, what if I do not come out unscathed? The first premise is out of pride. The second is out of strong belief in the first premise, but uncertain about how much bodily harm is involved. 

I would have to lay down some rules for myself while in the process:

1. In line with my principle to never make the tycoon roll in more dough than I can ever see in a lifetime, I would NOT smoke any form of tobacco that came out of my own pockets. I would be a professional bummer, a slipshod moocher, a compelling cadge. It's my way of giving the finger to The Man. So, my dear friends, prepare! 

2. My limit is 6. Yeah.

3. In the process, my advocacy would never be put to a halt.

4. When all else fails, I pray.

Today, I was able to down 4 and a half sticks of varying brands: Gold, Menthol, Lights. And so my journey begins. Aesop's fox is now taking measures into his own hands. A simple step ladder would do the trick. Now the question is, will the fruit be something that will give him validation, or will it lead him down to ruin?

I do not have illusions of grandeur that this endeavor would change the world. Heck, it's even possible that nobody would even care. But for all it's worth, if I can plant an idea in others that it is indeed possible, then I will have fuel for my little revolution.

~signed,

Advent

Sept. 21, 2010

ADDITIONAL READING:

http://www.freedom-of-choice.com/AS3.htm

http://www.lcolby.com/index.html

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oh and...in other news...my new look.

yeah. now pucker up and take it.

Come Hither

damn, i miss writinG.

i usually have plenty of time to write, except when the mind is preoccupied by the affairs of the heart.

speaking of which...

last time i had put my hand down to caress the keyboard was to talk about Venus Raj. rar.

lately i find myself in the clutches of Eros. i didnt really see this coming. but i've dreamt of it. and somehow i am beginning to think that The Secret actually does work.

i have always been Love's biggest fan. and this time around, i'm watching what could possibly be his latest and greatest performance.

at this point in my life, i feel that there is a whole wide world out therE. i left the world i'm getting too comfortable with because it can no longer handle my corners. i've outgrown it's walls. what held me once in rapture is now but a fleeting memory. you see, life is maniacally devious. just when you think you've seen it all and could never get that feeling again, bam! it hits you like a runaway truck.

whatever happens, i always go back to writing. it's a lovely sensation to hear the echoes bouncing off the walls of my mind.

a commenter in the previous entry said that he finds my stilted views entertaining. that really made me smile. everyone is stilted, some just more so than the others. and who can be more stilted than blogger who named his blog as such?

so here's a toast to the madstringsmanifesto, volume 2!

-this entry was brought to you by the color purple.

Waterloo

year in year out, we've been sending goddesseS. however, these goddesses can't answer a damn question right. it's Miriam Quiambao all over again.

oh well.

still it's an amazing feat to be in the TOP 5. congratulations, Venus!

--

"major, major" is the new "bongga".

Social Networking

Mad Strings 8: Set

everyone deserves to be happy. even those of us who have fucked up a lot of times. so when the moment comes, own it. welcome this new phase in your life with aplomb. be scared, but at the same time be a beacon of joy. radiate your light to all the corners of your life. you'd be surprised that the dark and dreary world you have gotten used to, sure looks prettier in splashes of teal and orange. there's the occassional cyan and red. and don't forget the smudges of violets and blues. 

it's funny how life turns around at the most unexpected times. you've never found love in the office? bam! there you go! you've never dated someone so dastardly adorable? bam! there he is in front of you, holding your hand.

don't you just love periods in your life when all of a sudden the radio stations suddenly become the soundtrack? they play these songs that fiddle at your heartstrings and speak your truth. wonder not, because you are swooning, oh dear advent. that or there might be a DJ up there, smiling and knowing his cue.

people say you are at your most attractive state when your heart is a-flutter. it's weird because just a few months ago, you were saying that you heart is no longer capable of feeling. you can not be any more "a-flutter" than this.

T.B.L. Vol. 2: Trust and Guns

T.B.L. stand for The Becklette Lessons. i would like to define becklette as a becky who is of the age of innocence (or lack thereof). anywhere between teen to early 20s. i want to impart knowledge to my brethren who are of the younger set. there are so many of them out there.

if you do not fall within this age range anymore, you have to admit, you were a becklette once. didn't we, at one point in our lives, say this: i wish i knew then what i know now? some of us grow older, but never grow up. maybe, just maybe, this could still help.

lesson #5: the timeline

as we are going through the becklette stage of our lives, we are afflicted with what i would like to call Temporalis Delusionis - the general lack of perception of time. a relationship built up in a fortnight (read: 2 weeks) is deemed valid and consummate, and a month is considered an eternity. what makes it more intriguing is when asked, the 2 weeks (or the 1 month) mentioned above is in reality a date or two over the weekends. 

let's put it in to perspective shall we? here is a very common case: a becklette relationship that claims to be in its 3rd month. wow, at first you are impressed. you go: "in becky years kasi that is times 2 because it's harder to maintain than heterosexual relationships" (i love becky logic!). now ask the lovely couple: ilang beses na kayo nagkikita, yung totoo? faced with this question, you'd be surprised that the so-called 3 months are actually, seeing each other over the weekends to watch a movie, go on a "date" of sorts and then going to their separate homes. let's do the math. let's be on the generous side, let's say they really dedicate the weekends to each other. Saturday and Sunday equals 2 days. 2 days multiplied by 4 (weeks in month), multiplied by 3 (actual duration). 24 days! realize that, we were generous here thinking that you spent both days of the weekend together. that's not even a month! that would be cut in half if they only saw each other once a week. 

and yet, there are so many becklettes or thunderbecks (coined by soltero! yeh boy!) out there who beat themselves up saying: "am i cursed? how come i never get past (insert length of time here) with anyone?"

maghunusdili ka! as you will (and should) realize down the line: you could never, ever get to know the totality of someone even after spending a lifetime (read: several years).

on the flipside, here's how you should look at it. do away with counting! you can make every moment count. the moment you start counting, you are just trying to validate the belief that you can make a relationship last. if you were sure about the guy in the first place, would there be a need to count?

which brings me to...

lesson #6: trust issues

remember this saying: "love is like giving someone a gun, having them point it at your heart and trusting them to never pull the trigger"?

my dear becklette, lemme say this: bullshit! in a becky relationship assuming you get past the honeymoon, ligawan, malanding kilig phase, either one of you is bound to cheat. there goes never!

that is a sordid reality. i'm sorry if this is a bitter pill to swallow. but you have to live in the reality we face today. if i may rephrase the saying:  love is like giving someone a gun, having them point it at your heart and expecting them to pull the trigger. when that happens, draw from that strength within you to heal, survive and wipe off the blood stains on the floor. 

ang haba no? but lengthy and more apt to our line of business. the love in our world is measured by the event AFTER the cheating. part of love is forgiving. let's say you found out he cheated, do you still have that capability to forgive? then tabula rasa. then by some god knows what reason, you cheat, does he have the capability to forgive? then tabula rasa. if at one point, the capability to overcome and forgive is already diminished, then part ways.

a simple excel equation (equation na naman?): IF "love" > "anger and pain", THEN "save relationship". IF "anger and pain" > "love", THEN "escape before you go crazy with plans of retribution!!!".

if i knew back then this simple equation, then it would have spared me and my partners, the waterworks. but then again, what would life be without the stories worthy of being aired on "Maalaala Mo Kaya"?

do not lose hope though, young one. the heart is made of a rare material that can withstand apocalyptic disasters. it is the one thing that makes us humans transcend. for every lashing you get scars. but the scars make you stronger. wear it proud! and do not be afraid to take more.

think of it this way: you survive ordeals and they change you for the better. you are not the same person than when you first started. you are more resilient and you have more capacity to love. so in effect, you make the next person you love a very lucky individual. he benefits from that wealth of wisdom. and it pays forward. i believe the most ideal love stems from a relationship where both parties are already "war veterans". if only both know how to make use of their medals.

lesson #7: pain and how it's related to the penis

pain is temporary. cliche. 

however, becklettes who dwell on pain several months after the fact, are not really in pain. what they are experiencing is a fate that most becklettes deny: they are stroking their bruised egos.

more often than not, the languishing pain is not really of a broken heart but of wounded pride. pride is the sin most becklette have an overabundance of.

at this point in my life, i've come to a zen like state of defeating the pride monster. for me, it's more of ok, the pain felt for the first few hours is real, anything afterwards is self inflicted pride-stroking. and why waste time?

pride is like the penis. we love showing it off. but if somebody injures it, shames it, we resort to jacking off til the time we want to show it off again.chow's that for a non-cliche? lol.

young one, it's ok to have your pride. but damn, keep it in check! do not let it control your life. just swallow it down. your experience, harrowing as it is, is a stepping stone to your next adventure.

to end this dialog, sing a little ditty.

Love, Hope, Sanity are onboard a bus 

destination: Moving On. 

but the bus isn't moving because one seat is still empty

Love asked, who are we waiting for?

we're waiting for Ego.

we can't leave without him

we can't live without him

but where is Ego?

oh he's in his room,

black and blue, looking out the window

let's all wait for Ego.

we can't leave without him

we can't live without him

--

have a great weekend, you bruised monsters!

A Eulogy

oh long, lustrous hair,

you and i, we had good times.

for the past 4 years, you've defined me. 

thank you for giving me the chance to bang that guy i've been eyeing (he was into hair). thank you for also driving away that other guy i've been eyeing (he associated long hair to effems. of course i'm not! hampasin ko siya ng handbag ko e! tsk tsk).

thank you for making me realize the value of hard earned money (because i spent a good chunk of it on you). thank you for the moments people know if it's a good day or a bad day for me. thank you for the heads you've turned. i couldn't have done it without you.

it's been almost half a year since i've been single. i guess it's about time i move on with my style. there's a whole new me i want to try out. you will be missed. or maybe not. 

'til we meet again...

too much squinting going on here.

--

in other news, i will be posting my new look once i get a shot that is even more squinty-er than the one above. haha.

ciao.

Overheard 4

my colleague told me about Pilipinas For The Win. you know, that show they replaced that douchebag Willie in.

Kris Aquino: "so, taga san ka?"

Contestant: "taga Isabela po"

Kris Aquino: pause. (Kris conio voice) "Oh my god, I've been there!"

Contestant: "...."

--

wait there's more. so it was now Mariel Rodriguez' turn to host the same contest.

Mariel: "taga san ka 'teh?"

Contestant: "Quezon City po."

Mariel: "Oh my god, I've been there!"

Contestant: "(laughs)"

bwahahah. good subtle stab at Ms. First-Sister. 

Alas, I Am In ...

like.

--

T.B.L. vol. 1: The Ex-Factor

T.B.L. stand for The Becklette Lessons. i would like to define becklette as a becky who is of the age of innocence (or lack thereof). anywhere between teen to early 20s. i want to impart knowledge to my brethren who are of the younger set. there are so many of them out there.

if you do not fall within this age range anymore, you have to admit, you were a becklette once. didn't we, at one point in our lives, say this: i wish i knew then what i know now? some of us grow older, but never grow up. maybe, just maybe, this could still help.

lesson #1: the ex -pectations

in my numerous trysts with our kind, i must have ran across every single representation of our kind out there. but no matter what configuration they arrive in, you have to expect that sooner or later they will exit your life. it's a cold, hard fact. i just want to be upfront about it. it may be as spectacular as how they entered it, or it could just be a sputter.

in life, or specifically, in becky life you will probably have 4 great ex-es (plural of ex-). those 4 ex-es would determine how you go about in your other non-serious flings. they would always be the mold that you would pattern the replacements to.

lesson # 2: there is no such thing as a 3-month rule

wake up. you are not john lloyd (or bea, if you prefer). that concept is for them straight folks. they want to fool themselves into believing that there should be time after every break up. it's a way to give time for their wounded egos to heal.

as beckys we have more ego to spare than the straight ones. so much in fact, it seeps out. so no matter how desperate you are after a break up, most probably it's because you've only experienced it a couple of times. toughen up, soldier. you'll get to a point where you would soon be impervious to the coldness it brings. it's like stitching up a flak jacket. the more inexperienced you are, the thinner it is. as you face more wars, the flak jacket can take more shit coming your way and the higher the probability you'll escape unscathed.

lesson # 3: there is always life after death...

of the relationship, that is. don't despair. if you will, try to let it simmer for just a day (3 at most), but not more than that! anything longer than that and it's just self-flagellation. what you come out as, depends on you. would you be a monster, ready to devour a hapless soul to get your revenge or do you take the high road and become a better man? you don't have to worry what road you take. everybody would eventually take both paths. it's just a matter of when. you would never know how it is to be a better man if you do not face the monster that is within. and likewise, how can you be a beast, if you don't know where to strike the honest man where it would hurt the most?

lesson # 4: do not lose yourself, but LOVE for all it's worth

give your 60% in every relationship (the remainder is what you keep true to yourself). a relationship that imposes you give more than this means you are taken for granted. let me tell you this, it would not end pretty. you see that splatter on the ground that was once a human becky? yes, that's what happens when you've lost the ground under you. you fall...to your death.

despite this, love like the end of the world is coming tomorrow. try to squeeze every single ounce you can out of it. never let go if you can still fight for it. always give it a shot. you never know.

for all it's worth, love!

be a romantic-realist. i know i am. ;)

Overheard 3

well, not really "heard" but seen.

i was checking my FB when my laitera friend texted me that she chanced upon this status of one of my so called friends. it reads:

"i hate myself for being so pickle minded."

--

seryoso siya.

--

laitera friend and i shared a fit of text snickering. :)

Back Door Man

have you ever seen a porn so disturbing, it made you less horny than it should havE?

--

let's be honest, we've probably logged in millions of man hours if we combine our collective porn streaming. those who deny this: drop dead, liar!

--

try this really out there theme: power tools. i had a headache and a fit of nausea soon after viewing this drivel. name a power tool, it was there and it was perverted. it's one of those things so mind-blowingly revolting, you can't look away.

--

so there was this nelly bottom getting power hammered in the rear. they retrofitted this tool and attached a dildo to the end part. the result? madness.

--

and then, the nasty part. after an agonizing 15 minutes of getting power pounded, they took a shot of his ass. and guess what...let's just say it wasn't dry...and it was a color you wouldn't want to see outside of your restroom.

no more. i permanently deleted the file.

and i'm mentally SCARRED for life.

--

which brings home my point: what is it in butt sex that most of my brethren find so enticing? i mean, it doesn't even look remotely pleasurable. definitely not for the bottom because he takes the pounding; and for the top - how can anyone stand sticking it in that hole?

remember my mantra about not dissing something unless you've tried it? well i have every right to diss it. i've played both roles. and neither is anything resembling my definition of hot. a hot mess maybe a better description.

there are so many other things i can do to you that are equally (if not more) pleasurable than taking it in the/giving it to the behind. you just have to get your kamasutra on. ;)

--

whoever can get this reference, gets a cookie from me...

Mad Strings 7: Ready

at the end of uncertainty comes the uncertainty of the end...


--

scared.

...

ready.

Movie Marathon 4

i have a fascination for foreign pink movies. the treatment, the settings, the social acceptance, may all be different, but the love is universal. thanks to the wonders of the internet (aka, torrents) i have a new one almost every other day. i will be putting up these movies. good or bad overall, for me they serve as a window. there's a whole wide world out there. we just need to open our eyes to the possibilities.

Author: Spleen


Another writer put his(?) finger on what had been bugging me: Steven and John really have nothing in common, apart from the fact that they're both gay; and it's not as if two people of opposite sexes both being heterosexual is enough to create a spark. (Ah, if only.) -Sure, they're both typically randy seventeen-year-olds; but we're told that THIS relationship, unlike Steven's furtive sexual encounters and John's mechanical fling with an underwear model, is special. Really? I would have liked to have SEEN the relationship - the actual, first-order relationship, not just John and Steven's second-order talk about it.

This brings me to the main reason I found "Get Real" hard to enjoy: it seems to consist entirely of painfully protracted, hesitant, fumbling, conversations in which neither side has any idea what he or she wants to talk about. When Steven first meets John - when he first meets ANYONE - it seems that all he can do is um and ah and look at the ground. -Realistic? Perhaps, but it just goes to show how little realism is worth, if it means we have to sit through one slow, awkward scene after another for 110 minutes. For this reason I wasn't so bothered by the speech at the end. That was awkward, too; but at least it showed that Steven had managed to string words together into coherent and reasonably fluent paragraphs. About time.

I'm reminded of the (few) films I've seen about the social ostracising of gays, like "The Sum of Us" and "Boys Don't Cry"; they, too, have colourless, under-defined central characters and relationships. If the central romance is heterosexual, writers feel the need to create some kind of special something to make it interesting to outsiders; if it's homosexual, that fact alone is felt to be enough. -This is less true of the romance in "Boys Don't Cry". But then, that relationship isn't really gay.

--


for me, the movie has its moments. i probably would have appreciated it more if i'd seen it 10 years ago, back when i was still a teenager struggling for an identity. but seeing it now, it's more fluff than substance. nonetheless, there are still golden moments. 


i would have given it an 8 out of 10 ten years ago but factoring in the onset of age (and hopefully, wisdom) i'm giving it a 6 out of 10.  hehe

Rain on My Parade

i had a brain fart a few minutes agO. i was too preoccupied with the file i'm working on when a colleague passed by my office. she had some little chit chat about the rain pitter-pattering outside my window. i blurted out:

"may bagyo daw, signal number 1 na sabi ng NASA."

short pause.

then we blurted out laughing.

--

what next, moderate rains with a chance of alien landings?

Mad Strings 6: The Sly Ones

would you bite the hand that feeds yoU? the younger, less calculating me, would have. now, i ask: how do you extricate yourself from the feeling of being part of a bureaucracy?

power begets power. and those who get a taste of it feel like they need more. some aspire for the zenith all at the expense of trampling on other individuals. others want to be a beacon of integrity but fear the waves crashing on their sandcastles. do you sell out to reach the goal or do you hold on to your ideals even if it means losing?

it gets complicated when your dreams are at stake. ideals or dreams? which hold more weight? can your ideals sustain you, nourish your body, give you a roof above your head? can your dreams keep you from being ashamed of what you've become?

the struggle for balance is precarious. it's like walking along a path on the edge of a jagged cliff. one false step, and you kiss the gloom below.

why does it have to be like this? 

--

Oh My Gawd

stop the presseS! i have to make this really life changing decision. one so important, so relevant, so ... relevantly important (haha).

do i or do i not get the Gold passes to Raymond vs. Raymond aka the Usher concert?!?!

--

one time nya lang alisin shirt niya, solve na ko. lol

--

come to think of it, gold is still too far for my liking. i would have wanted to get the moshpit tickets, but they're sold out. i wanted to be so close, my face would be covered in his spit.

and in my deepest, burliest, manliest, guttural,voice shout: usher pare, i love you! marry me! lol. i just want to give him a gay out moment and see how he reacts.

--

damn, i have until tonight to decide.

--

i guess this will help me decide.


don't you just love 3:21 in? :)

Your Wang Needs To Go

wangwang. the tagalog word for car sireN.

still makes me snicker every time i hear it. very pinoy.

--

word of the day: onomatopoeia. defined as: making up a word based on how it sounds (ex, boom, cuckoo, achoo, boing, pak, wangwang...) i heard it from a college professor who happens to like dropping big words in his conversation. well, he has a doctorate in literature- i give him that. don't you just hate it when you run into someone who does this on a regular basis? you don't have to have a Ph.D. to be qualified to utter such words, but what i'm saying is, do it when the situation calls for it.

impress me with your candor, not your pretention.

--

notice the trend nowadays, bloggers are being introspective. too introspective for their own good. is it because of the weather? gloomy skies equate to the spread of the emo virus. LOL.

i'm trying to not catch it.

--

assuming your car has one, now that it's illegal what do you do with it? out of boredom, i was listening to AM radio this afternoon and i happened across two hilarious DJs.

top five things you can do with your wangwang

1. hang it on your tree this christmas. throw away your cheap ass lights. this is where it's at. you get lights, you get sounds.

2. put it in a dark room. play loud music. serve booze. presto! instant club! now quick, come up with a witty name like Che'lu or Bed or Top/Bottom.

3. not hearing your pa-tweetums chimes every time somebody is at the door? replace your doorbell!

4. celphone accessory. maiba lang. haha.

5. this is more for the politicians: can't wake up on time that's why you need to rush through traffic? use your wangwang as your alarm clock!

--

hump day again. why can't wednesdays be more lively?

anyways, my chant: 2 days to go...2 days to go...

Howling Sucker

similar to the Pacquiao phenomenon (no crimes during his fights), expect this Saturday and Sunday to have the Edward/Jacob phenomenon.

instead of having no crimes, there would be zero sales from girl shoppers these days. establishments, you are warned! your store is lucky if you cater to both sexes, but if you only cater to the fairer sex, might as well close shop for the weekend. your clientele are all too busy analyzing frame by frame this supposed "like, the best movie of all time evarr!" to even bother shopping for themselves.

---

i've often wondered about that idiom, them girls being called the fairer sex. so...men are just...fair? lol. how bout for my kin? don't worry, brothers-in-arms, i dub us as the fairest (fairiest?) sex.

---

expect to see movie houses in the Metro packed to the rafters this long weekend (long weekend for me, i follow US holidays).

anyways, here's a little something i did in the office while passing idle time by.

Advent's Eclipse queer pie chart:

Legend:

a. you've read the book, you've bought the soundtrack/posters/whatnots,

you have a shrine dedicated to Stephanie Meyer, you are the president of

the Twi-hards fan club, Manila branch, and have probably camped

outside the theater days prior to showing, just so that you are

the first in line.

b. you are an obsessed little 12 year old girl trapped in that body of yours

c. you don't want to be left out, "hey, everybody's doing it! might

as well..."

d. you want to see it for the superb acting and the soul searing 

scriptwriting that speaks to your very core...right.

e. Jacob's ABS. 'nuff said

--

where do you fall under?

--

can't say i wouldn't be watching though. i can not be squeamish about balot/isaw/betamax/adidas/insert-hideous-food here and pretend to act like i'm puking everytime a friend of mine eats it in front of me. why?

because i haven't tried it. ever!

my mantra is simple. one can not diss/lambast/loathe/scourge/pillage/vilify/abhor/destroy...or simply put, hate on something IF one hasn't tried it himself.

--

that is why while my sister was away in the US, i snuck out her collection of Twilight books to read the entire thing...

--

stop the presses! it's utter crap.

--

have a good weekend everyone!

Public Servant

for the first time, Mr. President, i felt inspired by you. contrary to naysayers (funny how now i am inching into the side of yellow), i admire your little touches of wrath in the speech. i earnestly pray though that this vengeance will be served swiftly and boldly. that is what this country has been needing. like Rizal's filibustero, i see a man who's on the side of good and yet bears a flaming hand. caution though: temper your wrath with justice!


and i really appreciate the fact that you acknowledged the people as your "boss". yes, it may be rhetorical, but no one has actually done that before. erap, maybe put it in words, but he's an actor and his speech was his script. everybody else saw the seat as a throne to lord over us mortals. that was mighty classy of you. not original, but classy.


keep this momentum going, sir.


i'm now a convert.

--

inauguration or concert? i was beginning to think the latter.

next time, Noy handlers, try to cut the crappy "OPMs". most notably, (no offense to fans) the APO. did age take away the creative juices? what the hell was that disaster? then came Ogie's regurgitated mess. Christian Bautista's You Raise Me Up was totally unnecessary. and then there's the cheesy group song led by no less than the master of cheesy oversinging, Gary V.

the only gem within the pile of garbage was Noel Cabangon. now THAT is a musician. able to blend mesmerizing harmony with haunting lyricism. and the passion in his voice. so guttural and raw. it was really coming from the heart and mind. it's music in action. i've been secretely admiring him eversince but for that performance, i am forever a fan. too bad, the people didn't get him.

--

overall, i would say that the inauguration was 100% pinoy.

--

there's hope for this country yet.

--

edit: as Somelostboy and Muggen commented, it's just 90% pinoy. why? there were no dance numbers! if there were dance numbers, then i would have changed my second verse to:


inauguration or Pilipinas Got Talent? i was beginning to think it was the latter...


LOL.

Mad Strings 5: Monday Somnambulist

the walls are staring at me. and i think i left my soul slumbering in bed. my mind is wandering off into daydreams. next thing i know, there's a sunflower on the carpeted floor in front of me, another flower with guns for pistils shooting at me. and here i am, dodging the pellets. 

my phone is ringing but when i pick it up, it's a red gummi bear. the bear whispers in my ears. i'm ticklish, you know. stop it! i know somebody is talking to me but i just hear the waves in the ocean.

i look up the definition of wonrotpsm. i think i read it somewhere. on the wall. or something.

have i told you my most favorite character in The Sandman is Delirium? She was formerly called Delight. until that thing happened. colored fishes in bubbles! Morpheus is next. he named his son after me. or something.

i take one more hit. more colored bubbles! and in the shape of boys! something popped them, one by one. oh wait, those are my fingers.

the tea party started 14.321 minutes ago. i can't find my bowler hat. i'll be late. hold the elevator for me, please.

who is the sandman? by gaimanms

When Pigs Fly and Fish Blue

it's been a crazy weeK. seriously. i'm glad to say i'm getting the groove of my new mantle. which is a good thing, of course. i think i've finally etched myself a niche in this humongous organization. and i plan on becoming more. just you wait, world!

--

i'm pumped with enthusiasm about what lies aheaD.

--

i'm suddenly getting a lot of people noticing me in a not so good waY. they've been calling out my sudden drop in weight. i know i've been busy lately. and i know i'm pouring my heart out for my endeavors, but i think it's taking a toll on my physical wellbeing.

as a remedy i've been gorging on food so much, you'd think i'm feeding an army in my stomacH. i've been known for my legendary appetite. and people are taken by surprise by how much i eat even though i stay skinny.

for all of my life, i've lived skinny. i'm 5'7 and weigh 130 lbs. the highest i've gone is 145lbs. ok maybe i'm not that skinny. but borderline skinny and not skinny. how's that? hehe. how i wish i had one of those physiques that do not even need to exert an effort to build up muscles. i read somewhere that my body type is called an ectomorph. it's one of those WTF terms that sounds something out of Power Rangers. it's the type that remains as skinny as it is even though you eat like nobody's business. my opposite is the endomorph. those are the type that just looking at food makes theme obese. true story!

but all is not lost. i read that i still have the chance to get buffed uP. of course, there's the gym as an alternative. however, i don't see myself as a gym going type. the reason is i prefer to keep my privacy when i work out. catch-22 is, the only way you'd be able to drag me into the gym is i have a bod worth showing off, but to get that...

oh well. i'm not too keen on doing something about it as of yeT. but i think i should have something planned for next year.

--

speaking of pigging out, i organize a brunch for my team just yesterdaY. since we have always frequented either the Fort or Makati, i decided we have to try something different. somewhere far, but not insanely far. i thought Eastwood sounded like a good prospect. so off we go.

i planned the brunch to a tee. well, except the venue. i prefer to keep some part of the plan spontaneous. i like having something out of the blue.

after wandering about selecting, we decided to eat at BluFish/The Flying Pig. the concept is, they are actually 2 separate restaurants but you could pick items from the menu of both. cool, huh?

since it was charged to the corp card, the sky's the limiT. and boy did i get a lot. try a whole slab of steak, manahattan chowder, and pretty much what everybody got (i did samplings. hehe). i highly recommend the paella royale and the sea bass smothered in blue cheese and top with german frankfurters and mushrooms. ah. to die for.

--

after the meal, we went to Red Mango for the fro-yos. i don't really see the fascination for the yogurt but damn! i love the them almond mochis.

--

we walked around the malL. did some embarassing photo ops ala yayas on a day off. complete with pictures by the fountain. well, it's a rare occasion to have a hundred percent attendance from the team so we did not let it pass. and hey, i bet those pretentious snots are dying to take their own pictures as well. so fuck them. haha.

--

then came parting time.

--

i had to stop by Johnny Rockets just to see what the fuss is about. the milkshakes are phenomenal. definitely a must try.

advent and team @ the flying pig/blufish

--

i'm spending the whole day today just lounging at homE. firing up my xbox 360 for a couple of rounds...catching up on my books.... playing with my shitzu, Sophia...hay, sarap.

--

life is good.