my mom was rushed to the hospital this morninG. this had been a recurring pain she's been having since late last year. i was so scared. i've battled with so many morbid thoughts. we both share the same loathing for hospitals.
have you ever been admitteD?
i've been admitted twice on 2 separate yearS. one was for a dengue scare. the other for another scare altogether. for both occasions i stayed in the hospital for 3 weeks.
the first time i was admitted, i felt like i was thrown into an alien worlD. the only instance i've been to a hospital prior was to see my newborn niece in the nursery ward. i was so disoriented.
what scared me the most was the loneliness of the dark nightS.
the unreasonable fear that i could just lie in my bed and never wake up to see the daY. 3 weeks seemed like pass like an eternity. no matter how fancy my suite was, i just couldn't help but feel so insignificant. i cursed Tagaytay Highlands with all my might (that's where i got bitten by a mosquito). ironic that a place so idyllic could have sent me to my demise.
as soon as i got out, i vowed never to have a reason to come bacK.
but i diD. the second time was because i was a wanton prick. at 23, i was so hungry for the chase. the burning desire was too much to handle. i was the aggressor. i'd lure. i'd devour. i just had to be satiated. i wanted to run out of pages in my little black book (an essential). i felt like i could do anything and get away with it. i dominated my catch for the day only to throw them away the next like yesterday's news. i had no inhibitions. it's either you want it from me or i go. i led a life of utter disregard for restraint. until i was struck down by the worst fever i've had in years. it ran for 4 days, never abating.
i had to be rushed back to the hospitaL. this time, i felt like i slammed into a brick wall. cold water washing over my stupor. this time around, the fear was heightened to a point that my previous foray into the hospital seemed like child's play. i had so many thoughts in my head. i knew i acted like an animal. all those things i've read came rushing back to me in torrents. is this my damnation?
2 days passed before i got the resulT. funny how my doctor was still giving me the eye when i was lying there. he was attractive and all but i wasn't in any mood anymore. i had to put my foot down. i said to myself that if this is going to be it, i would not regret anything. but i was scared stiff.
i had a sore throaT. chills at night. i wanted to eat but there's like a thousand needles churning in my stomach. pain in abundance.
i felt that maybe divine retribution finally caught up with mE. i talked to god privately and tried to bargain with him. i said, i hope this isn't what i dread it is. give me a chance and i would be celibate for a considerable amount of time, i would even be an advocate for life, i thought half jokingly.
...turns out god has a sense of humoR.
i had this:
the kissing diseasE. mono. something so commonplace in the states. after a week, i'm back on my spry feet. the trees outside the hospital cannot be greener than how i remember them to be. the garden was just an inundating cacophony of colors.
in retrospect, i met this devilishly handsome boytoy some 6 weeks bacK. i checked my little black book. i noted it down to the minute details. we did not go all out. we just cuddled. vanilla all throughout. boring, but safe. i called him up just to utter the vilest invectives and ended the conversation with an earth shattering 'go to hell!'.
having taken care of that made me look within mE: i had a false alarm with the dreaded disease. one of my greatest fears would be to be a statistic. after this, i felt freer than a bird. i decided to take a second test just to be on the safe (pun intended) side. turns out, i'm a blank slate. guilty but clean.
ever since, my views on sex and all it entails took a drastic changE. to my gay friends, i'm the voice of caution. you could never be the luckiest man again, i told myself. knowing what i know now makes me feel so blessed.
epilogue: i decided to honor my commitmenT. i was celibate for a year. that year after, i met the love of my life...
my mom had her appendix taken out todaY. i can imagine how horrific it must have been for her.
i pray for her speedy recoverY.