Sexual Deviant - Deviant

there's no doubt about my preference, i'm 100% of the fabulous kind. but someHow there's that one side of me that doesn't conform to the norm.

i think i'm a sex-stoic.

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what i mean by that is, yeah i knOw what sex is and i have experienced boatloads of it. in retrospect, i did most of those things without any gratification. oh sure, i come. every single time *winks. nothing wrong in that department.

i guess it has to do with the supposed joy you get out of the act. i get none of it.

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there were phases in my life where i got so addicted to porn. i won't be a hypocrite in saying i got over that now. eveRy now and then, i love a little bit of this and that.

so maybe some of my friends would say that my perception of sex has been distorted by the wrong message these porn videos present.

the thing is, i know exactly that the scenarios depicted are just plain fantasies. nothing but pure fabrication of some old queen in a basement studio whacking off to what he thinks is hot. based on actual experiences, i'm definitely sure that no one in their right minds can do half of the positions that you see in porn. yep. tried it, and it doesn't work. it's as fake as the acting the porn "stars" provide you.

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another friend inferred that maybe i haven't met the right person yet. to which, after going through my little black book, i would ask: what is a "right" person? i've gone and met vanilla boys to leather freaks to orgy fraternities. it's like a big bite out of the gay sex pie chart.

and since i've settled down with my bf, i can pretty much say that being the "gifted" person that he is, he is what some would say the "right" kind of man. *rawr*. so where's the hold up?

me. that's where.

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in sex, i am more of a mirror than a doer. since i don't have the same fire in me, i just echo the same intensity. if the sex is steaming hot, then i raise the temperature. if the act is as cold as left overs in the fridge, then i give exactly that plus a side ordEr of stale bread. haha. i could never see myself subservient nor dominating.

sexual empath, ftW.
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the most asked question in gay-dom is: are you top or bottom? i'm not the type who would readily choose a side. nor the type who would pretentiously say "versa" just because they think it sounds cool.

i'm not even sure if i have an answer to that.

i guess i'm just wired this way.

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despite all these, i give respect to all of my horny friends out there who can't help but fuck the living shit (pun intended) out of every single guy they meet.

fuck like there's no tomorrow. but don't forget to be safe!


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have a sexy weekend everyone!

(and here's a cheesy gif to go along with it. thank you mr. original uploader)

Schisms 1

so i manned up. i took the plunge. i told him all i felt. well, almost all. i didn't want him to think i'm bordering on obsession.

the result?

major fail.

this guy i was so head over heels in "love" with, turns out to be a major dick bait. he gave me all these signals. heck, he even went out with me on 3 dates. things went down. feelings...pants...everything.

and what do i find out?

he just hooked up again with his ex over the weekend.

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dick baits abound nowadays. i should know...i've been one. damn hurts pala to be on the receiving end. karma, much?

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so i wore my heart out on my sleeve and this is what i get.

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at this point in the game...i've learned the art of ambivalence. yeah. i cry. but only on the inside. 

boohoos while the world's smallest violin plays. (haha! whoever can tell me where this line came from gets a special cookie!)

and then i smile because i knew for a fact that i tried. i'm one of those guys who's all about the journey, not the destination. and boy, was the ride good, and the view, scenic.

--

oh well. next! here i go again. i wonder what does life have in store for me?

==

a mega post coming up. oh and enough about dicks. haha. time for some introspection and other matters. not everything is about the heart, right?

see ya.

Imbalance

am i really not meant to be in a relationship? i've been trying for the past few months and all i get are blanks. i have this one good shot with someone, but i am not even sure where we are going.

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the phase of hooking up and getting-to-know-yous is like coming home after doing your groceries. you unpack your paper bags and you sift through the choices. you put one or two in your UHM shelf. another, you put in your MAYBE NOT storage. and three in the OH HELL NO bin. and then after everything, you find that one special person you put in your CAN BE shelf. this shelf you reserve for someone who embodies everything you admire and yearn for. someone who makes you think of the possibilities.

i've been staring at the shelf for quite some time now. and it's taking a toll on me. 

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i've always been a romantic-realist. yes, i go through the motions of courting. i'm old school, what can i say? i prefer the slow simmer, cooked to perfection relationship. i can muster an unbelievable amount of patience and determination. in the end, i always get what i want.

--

chivalry or selfishness?

--

dear you,

i write this letter to tell you things. things i can not tell you in person. i'd like to tell you how much you rock the very core of my being. how you always turn my dull and dreary days around. how you speak, and my heart jumps in anticipation.

i don't normally go for guys like you, but you have this indescribable pull. i am drawn and i can not pull out of your orbit.

you know what time of day i hate the most? it's the time to go home. because that's when i would have to go back to my soliloquies and pondering of when we'll finally have that chance.

chance. what if i never met you? what if you did not step into the world i live in? what if i never saw your face? maybe i wouldn't be this pained. maybe i wouldn't be this unabashedly in fervor. maybe i wouldn't be yearning for the elusive.

i could spare myself a lot and yet, i wouldn't feel as alive as i do so now. 

xoxo,

advent

When It Rains, It Pours

namesake (N1)
a few days before the party, he was leaving messages on my Facebook.

weird. awkward. but somehow, stirRing.

it's been 2 months since he tore me up and left me broken. all of a sudden, trite little messages here and there.

messages that led texting.
texting that led to eating out again.
Eating out that led to long walks in the misty morning.

damn.

why do i Yearn for those little moments we share? why you of all people? why do i throw my ego to the wind, in expense of your affection? why do i put up with this?

love? bah. humbug. you and your twisted rules of engagement.

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namesake's namesake (N2)
out of spite, i had a night on the towN 2 days ago. i'm not the bar type, but i decided to check one out in Ortigas.

and damn i partied like it's 2012! danced hard, drank harder. lOl.

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that's when he caught my eye. then, the dance. you know the Motions: furtive glances. the approach. the nibble. the feigned disinterest. the sense of wanton disregard of tomorrow. when i'm intoxicated my level of inhibition drops. and boy, i was drunk as hell!

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you know that feeling that when you like someone, read: really really like? it's that anD more.

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we stole the dancefloor from everybody. haters and admirers just looking on to what we do next.

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he kissed me hard.and i kissed him back. and then the world was on fire.

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fuck.

--

he was asking me to go home with him.

i wanna get down, but not the first night.

a cookie if you remember that song.

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just call me N (N)
my beck friend waited for me to end my tryst. my beck friend who had always been there. who've witnessed me in my lowest low after N1 ripped my heart out.

he was advising me against going to NNs pad (i was actually thinking of going! haha). he had all the convincing words. he so adamant in telling me off. he was stern but reprimanding.

he was so up in my case. and i'm getting confused.

that's when the alcohol in me took over. i freakin lost it. i started sobbing like a damned fool. i know it doesn't make sense, but what does when you are so deep into the rabbit hole?

he shushed me. he held my hand, consoled me. then he kissed me.

i'm fucked.

--

have a bamboozling middle of the week, folks!

Night Wind

lately i'vE been finding myself having a good time with this boy (boy literally...5 yeaRs younger than me). very adorable, yet very profound and eLoquent. sometimes i get stumped on what to say when he speaks his beautiful mind. he took me places i've never even dreamed/dared gOing. he showed me what it was to hold the weight of the world and still manage to break through with a smile and a positive attitude. he is wise way beyond his years- like an older gentleman trapped within a young boy's (sexy) body. he took my hand, led me out of the confines i placed myself in. i'm freed from my own torments. he made everything alright again. the skies may still be grey outside the window, but it can not be any more delightful inside. he healed me.

we are having so much fun... 

only, he is takEn.

Back Door Man

have you ever seen a porn so disturbing, it made you less horny than it should havE?

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let's be honest, we've probably logged in millions of man hours if we combine our collective porn streaming. those who deny this: drop dead, liar!

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try this really out there theme: power tools. i had a headache and a fit of nausea soon after viewing this drivel. name a power tool, it was there and it was perverted. it's one of those things so mind-blowingly revolting, you can't look away.

--

so there was this nelly bottom getting power hammered in the rear. they retrofitted this tool and attached a dildo to the end part. the result? madness.

--

and then, the nasty part. after an agonizing 15 minutes of getting power pounded, they took a shot of his ass. and guess what...let's just say it wasn't dry...and it was a color you wouldn't want to see outside of your restroom.

no more. i permanently deleted the file.

and i'm mentally SCARRED for life.

--

which brings home my point: what is it in butt sex that most of my brethren find so enticing? i mean, it doesn't even look remotely pleasurable. definitely not for the bottom because he takes the pounding; and for the top - how can anyone stand sticking it in that hole?

remember my mantra about not dissing something unless you've tried it? well i have every right to diss it. i've played both roles. and neither is anything resembling my definition of hot. a hot mess maybe a better description.

there are so many other things i can do to you that are equally (if not more) pleasurable than taking it in the/giving it to the behind. you just have to get your kamasutra on. ;)

--

whoever can get this reference, gets a cookie from me...

I Can See Right Through You

i have never been simplE. i've always been a hexagonal stick in a hive of square holes. there are more facets to me that you can not just peg. 

have you ever felt instances in your professional life where you see the top but something intangible prevents you from moving further uP? to some, this is called the glass ceiling. the truth is it does not apply only for women. it applies to people of the rainbow flag. people like me or (maybe) you.

thank god that in this company i am now working for, diversity is like the air we breathE. this post is more of an ode to that sad reality for most of my brethren -working for corporations where they are forced to keep their inner selves from coming out in the open. i've been there. by some sheer stroke of luck and an ounce of perseverence i did not stay long. i can not begin to imagine how difficult it is for them who remain. i can't help but contrast how good i got it where i work. i am grateful to be able to thrive in the corporate world, keep my truth, and still be respected for it.

look! birdies!

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in my first foray into this strange world called work, i started with a multinational financial institutioN. 'the world's local bank' is their slogan. i worked in the Madrigal branch (read: Ayala, Alabang). the first day i stepped into the premises, i thought to myself, i'm fucked. of all the branches i would be assigned in, i got assigned to one with a workforce of 90% straight burly males! from the manager, to the teller/cashiers, to new accounts and of course to the -ers (manong janit-ers, deliv-er-y boys, secu-er-ity guards). we had 3 girls who were assigned to the premier accounts so we don't really get to interact with them as much.

if i'm not with friends, i can camouflage well enough to waylay the unsuspecting crowD. note that i don't have illusions that i may not be obvious, i just know myself well enough. i am not blatant when i'm not comfortable with the people around me. i'm just plain bored so i don't express myself as much. i blend in. i wash out. and that they mistake for being, ahem, straight. 

lunch breaks (or any other break) are really awkwarD. all they talk about are girls, basketball, getting more girls, girls in porn, knocking up a girl, video games and cars. i can relate with the last 2 because i've always been a videogame fanatic and cars are my fascination. but the rest, oh dear lord. 

they keep asking me to bring my "girlfriend" over sometime to get to know heR. i told them i don't have a girlfriend. which no one believes, all thanks to my classmate/then-best friend (who happened to look like a pin up model), dropped by the branch one time to pick me up to hang out in Alabang Town Center. like salivating dogs teased with the prospect of a juicy steak, they never got over it. as much as i didn't know what to do about it, i decided to just go along with the flow. that was way before i learned what the gay term "beard" meant.

as the days pass by, i found the groove in keeping up the facadE. it become a routine for me. that was the point in my life when i thought, 'hey, i could do this.'

but alas, life has a sense of humoR. it would have been easy if you are swimming in a sea of average looking men. what made it difficult was i had a really attractive colleague. i still remember his name. bernard. just the name sends me into that kilig moment. ha! he's tisoy (my type of guy), 5'10, beefy with that devil may care smile that can drop panties at will (at least what the girls say). oh did i mention, he smells so good? not that i smell him when he has his back turned to me. i'm macho too, remember? true story!

he was promoted to assistant manager not because of his credentials or capability (haha, bitter much?) but because he looks so good in a monkey suit, the haughty clients always ask for hiM.

there was this one instance though where i got turned off big timE. it was when the discussion revolved around a teller applicant. he recommended to the manager that we not hire the guy. manager asked why, he simply said oh so arrogantly, 

"malamya. nakita mo ba tingin sakin, sir? parang lalamunin ako. yuck." and so, stupid branch manager agreed and voiced out more bigoted filth and did not hire the poor applicant. 

just like that, my attraction to him dissipateD. i felt so bad for the kapatid applicant. sayang, cute pa naman. ha! the sad lesson in all this is, it's not what you know but who you know...and what you look like...and what's your preference that moves you forward in the corporate world..

saD. very, very sad.

--

flash forward to 1 year later, i ended my contract with that companY. i felt stifled. i wanted to be me, but i can't be me. and to be more in this company, the more i have to be not me. do you sometimes feel like that? hopefully not. if yes, the i feel you, brother.

that's when the beckon of the call center industry lulled mE. the so called mecca for diversity. it was too tempting to pass up. a change of environment surely wouldn't hurt. i won't go into the sordid details for now (in a future entry perhaps). but the gist of it is i started from the bottom and worked my way up through the ranks.

let's just say that it's liberating to be comfortable in your own skiN. even more so when you have a position and you have the respect of your people - not because you asked for it, but because you earned it through your hard work. the rest about me doesn't matter.

--

i got scared when the call center chapter of my life was coming to an enD. i was on the verge of moving back into the corporate world. surprise, surprise! im back working for a multinational financial institution (one who believes in what matters to us, matters most). my initial fear was brushed away when i learned that the culture in this company is what we make of it (read: you are what you are and we embrace it). in fact, it's part of the code of conduct to respect diversity. walls are rare, if existent at all. we were all able to foster a community of people who try to see past the preference. 

looking back on my past, i can't help but laugh a little at the tremendous effort i go through everyday just to fit iN. nowadays i just do it for kicks. like this one time i got to handle a group of people. it was only for a short time so i said to myself, try doing the old you. see what happens. 

it's both awkward and flattering at the same time when the girls show interesT. i also get a kick when initially i do not register on PLU radar. but eventually i let them in. it's no secret, of course. i wouldn't have it any other way.

--

if you knew then what you know now, what would you dO?

if this new me got a chance to talk to young, impressionable me, i would have told myself to lighten up a biT. sure, some parts of the world we move in frown on what is different, what is aberrant or simply put: what is not the norm. but that shouldn't give you the credence that you should whittle off your extra corners to fit into the pegs. rather, make the hole fit you. it may take them a while to get used to you but they'll get there. it won't happen unless you start it.

the hive...fuck it.

 --

happy weekends everyonE!

Color Me

i'm having some parts of the house painteD. for the life of me, i dislike doing house fixes. dislike is the operative word. i can. coz i'm macho like that.

but that is only if i want to. and i don't.

so anyway, i hired manong Joe from across the neighborhooD. i didn't know he'll bring Joe Junior. and boy was i surprised. i normally walk around the house in boxers and without a shirt on. again, macho right? but when i saw Joe Junior, i swear, i'm never walking half commando while he's around. damn bod he got. like he lives in a gym and just sidelines as his dad's go-fer boy (go fer this, go fer that). borderline lean and buff, which to me is just perfect.

and his facE. imagine Coco Martin skim it down 2 notches, bake him in the sun for 5 days. turn him over, and let sit for another 2. oh and give him a musky scent. dark and a little bit overwhelming to the olfactory nerves, but so damned sexy.

'anu pano niyo pu gusto tirahin to ser? (tara, sa kwarto. sabihin ko sayo pano..)

'gusto niyo pu ba pati yung sa likuran? (saang likuran? hindi ako bottom.)

'ser, wala naman po yung mga babae dito sa bahay no? alis lang kami ng t-shirt. ang inet e.' (your dad can keep it on. but for you, by all means! take it off! take it all off!)

the whole afternoon went on like this: him saying something, and me, answering him something lewd in my heaD.

on several instances, i could swear he was staring at mE. you know, that look.

-ers aren't really my thing. and i don't go for them straight ones. i have friends who go gaga for these types. i respect that. it's just not my thing. sabi nga sa Here Comes The Bride, that's so 70's. haha.

so my stance on -ers stand. but i dig all 9 inches of Coco. i'm dying to know if Joe Jr. measures up to the real deal. like a box of dark chocolate. you never know what you get! decisions, decisions. LOL. saying goes: you can't diss something until you've tried it.

let's just see how good he is at 'coloring'...ha!

see you next entrY.

--

fyi, this is my 49th post. i will be celebrating on the next one.

*edit: 49th entry doesn't mean all of 'em posted. dumb blonde me. sorry. 6 more to go.

ciao for now,
advent

Brush with the Law

fucK.

the cab i was riding home was apprehended by a policeman because of a stupid move that i actually asked him to dO. i didn't know that it's illegal to make a u-turn in front of St. Luke's. the policeman was pointing at a sign so small, and so covered by leaves from an overhanging tree that it would be near impossible to see it unless you have x-ray vision that can see through stupid leaves. are they doing this intentionally so they can net more unwitting victims?

anyway what surprised me was how calm the driver's demeanor was after the factT. he was actually pissed off at the policeman and not at me! ha! i felt sooo guilty. i caused it for cryin out loud! we could have gone straight along 32nd Avenue and made a right at 34th, but i told him to make a uwie because it would be faster. here i was expecting him to harangue me into paying for his 500+ peso ticket.

he was actually laughing jovially that the policeman didn't accept his bribe and didn't fall for his "i'm kumpare with so and sO". all he got from the officer was 'just give me your license' and 'no, i don't know him'.

--

when i drive, my biggest fear is not to careen off and hit someone (not that i don't care about a life, but because i know i'm careful enougH). my biggest fear is to get apprehended by the law. thank god it has never happened in my relatively young life as a motorist. the closest i got was a smirk from a disgruntled MMDA because i crossed the yellow lane but i quickly switched lanes again (cause i saw him. haha).

the law evokes a certain dread in mE. i remember this one time when my ex and i was almost brought in (in tagalog: bagansya) by men in brown. it was his fault. he wanted to part somewhere dark and secluded. so we went to UP. we found a perfect spot near the Engineering building. no, not to do the nasty (hello? we got a place to do that in), but to have those intimate prayer studies. yup. true story! he was a practicing neo-buddhist and he wanted to tell me about his beliefs.

2 hours into a subliminally captivating conversation, bright lights were shone on his caR. then the blaring sounds of the siren. three rotund men-in-brown gawking at us like we were fresh kill. they asked us to step out of the car and interrogated us like we killed Ninoy. they even asked if we can go with them to the precinct to explain. it was such a horrific experience. good thing my ex had a very prominent last name. and he's a parseltongue. he knows how to speak to snakes. that's what those mo-fos were! they were only harassing us to get some dough. but we didn't give in. all it took was a very convincing call to a tito of his in the government. he even had them talk to him over the phone. their tones changed after the call. they decided to leave us alone.

after they slithered away, my ex goes 'ang galing ni Bryan no?' in between a snickeR. 'tito from the government' turned out to be our faggot friend who can do such a mean impression of a politician. i tell you, down to the dot.

we laughed our heads off and i promised to treat B to whatever he likes. we were joking about it but still, at the back of my mind i was so scared. probably even scarred for life. there was a point when they were already asking for our IDs. he gave his, but for the life of me, my fingers literally froze and i can't get to my wallet. i can not begin to imagine the embarrassment this would have caused my family and his family had we not had Bruha, i mean Bryan.

--

ever since then, i've been an advocate of the NO BRIBE, NO SCUM belief. i swear: if i fucked up, it's my fault, i'll own up to it. we are already so far up the list of the most corrupt countries in the world, let's not aspire for the topmost position. you may be just one in millions of motorists plying the road everyday and running into the law. but imagine if we can end the perpetuation of this very embarrassing pinoy trait by actually not being the root cause. i want to be the change.

--

that public service announcement was brought to you by the letter N. N for nagmamalinis.

--

think about it, though. there are other ways to get out of a tough situation as long as you're in the right, right?

--

the drive home was pleasant. manong driver was still so pitiful though. i decided, on top of my bill, to just shoulder half of the expense he'll be cashing out at city hall. it's the very LEAST i can do.

he even said thank you in the most sincere tone i've ever heard from a manong driver.

that was my cookie for the day. i can now sleep with a smile.

--

and to share the smile:

now lemme hear the collective cussing of: "muthafucker mga jejemons na yan! ini-invade nila tayo! i swear, i wanna make them sagasa with my (insert sasakyan here)!"

On The Market 2

as a follow up to this post, it seems it's too early for me to be in the markeT. they fired their guns but it seems all i got were blanks.

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basket case just upped the antE. he sees me in the office regularly now. but he still lives up to his name. i've had met guys like him. guys with an unhealthy dose of self adulation. he calls me up a lot. and it always end up in phone sex. and god knows how ridiculous i feel after pretend sex.

i just can't help it though. he's attractive. i think i buy his arrogant confidence and find it...sexy.

--
clinical instructor was supposed to be one of those really good catcheS. we had this connection, this undeniable attraction. we were both stable. we had a promising thing going.

that was until he got drunk one nighT. really drunk.

his repressed side came ouT. he started mumbling how having everything isn't enough because no is there to take care of him. he started blabbing about how the nights are so cold. he started tearing up which then continued to loud, uncontrollable bawling. had i mentioned: in front of people? like a raving lunatic.

he screamed that he loves mE. and that he wants to be with me. that he wants me to take care of him.

i've never experienced this beforE. it's like one of those scenes in romantic comedies. except that i'm not finding the funny part. people were looking at us like i'm the world's biggest jerk and what i must have done to this poor soul.

oK... so that didn't end well. i must have read him wrong.

--
atom is a bit too young for my tastE. i was thinking of a term to call guys who are into younger guys and surprise, surprise, there isn't one yet. so let me coin this term: panthers. get it? you just want to get into them younger ones' pants? LOL. i'm just not ready for that yet. i've tried it before as an experiment. it didn't work then, it's not going to work now.

i'm setting my threshold, 3 years my junior would be iT. anything beyond that is a cradle. atom is 6 and a half years my junior. sigh.

...trouble is, he's starting to call me 'baby'.

--

so there. 3 prospects down to 2...or maybe 1. or zero. damn.

--

i went out again. the air hits my face and i feel a fresh chill.