Showing posts with label looking back. Show all posts
Showing posts with label looking back. Show all posts

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

T.B.L. Vol. 4: Lover's Moon (Season 2)

remember this, a couple of posts back?

T.B.L. stand for The Becklette Lessons. i would like to define becklette as a becky who is of the age of innocence (or lack thereof). anywhere between teen to early 20s. i want to impart knowledge to my brethren who are of the younger set. there are so many of them out there.

if you do not fall within this age range anymore, you have to admit, you were a becklette once. didn't we, at one point in our lives, say this: i wish i knew then what i know now? some of us grow older, but never grow up. maybe, just maybe, this could still help.


i havent done this in a while. people do grow uP eventually, and so i would like to re-write how this goes. i would like to make it a little bit more personal this time around. i don't want to preach, i just would like to voice out what i've been through. and so, for Season 2, i'm rebranding this. it should go like this:

T.B.L. stand for The Becks Lessons. i would like to define becks as a gay guy who is of the age of innocence (or lack thereof). anywhere between teen to mid 20s. young, beautiful, and most often, foolish.

i was, once upon a time, in that phase. you have to admit, you were too. didn't we, at one point in our lives, say this: i wish i knew then what i know now? some of us grow older, but never grow up. maybe, just maybe, this could help. these passages may or may not contain lessons, but they tell a story.



lesson#12: no other gay man

there is a strangE phenomenon going on and it probably has to do with the market being too saturated here in manila. often, you will scratch your head at the fact thaT a number of those "seeking" for potential partners are those that are in relationships.

it probably is one of the oldest sTories of infidelities in our world. you'd meet someone casually, sparks fly, you get to know each other, continue for a month, then boom! you find out he's in a relationship.

a lot of blog posts have been written about this, some rivalling the holiness of the pope, telling you off that what you are doing is immoral and that you would destroy lives (partially true) and you'd go to hell (well, maybe), while on the opposing side, it would be one-upping the indecency of the worst kontrabida slut you can think of, telling you that it's just having fun (partly true) and that you know when to stop (most often, not true).

i learned my own way. there is no right or wrong way to go about it. i say: go fuck each other sore, give him the best damn sex he's ever had but afterwhIch, go exorcist-crazy on him and slap him real hard for his partner. when you hear the door slam shut after he leaves, stand in front of the mirror, and slap yourself real hard for you to wake up. do it twice, if your dream is of the 2nd level inception type. then hug yourself.

plan it out. as soon as you find out he is in a relationship, apply lesson#1 of TBL (look it up), suck it up. then make sure you go out with a bang. this way, you get to have a "taste" of this man whom you've been spending/wasting a good month or so of your life with. you won't get any "what ifs" (what if he has a huge cock? what if he tastes really good? what if he has a mole on his left ball sack... you get the point). doing it oftentimes dispels the curiosity (no he doesn't have a 9-inch magnum more like a 5 incher on a good day; he tastes like lukewarm onion soup and smells like one too, and if that's a mole, then i would have to redefine brownish ball sacks)....my point is, finding out gives you the disappointing answers.

and he would also leave you feeling scared shit from your ghetto act. and maybe, just maybe, he will smell the coffee too and learn.

win-win. at least on your part.



lesson#13: sometimes you are Halle Berry for the Monster Ball winning an Oscar, and sometimes you are the Halle Berry for Catwoman getting a Razzi.

yes, you are Halle Berry. a strong and beautiFul black woman. your sex appeal can cut a man in half. yup. and then you wake up.

sometimes you win big and sometimes you appear to win, but in reality you are just making a fool of yourself. let's take for example: going out to the gay scene a while back. there are some nights where i felt i was not at my best form, and yet, i get to score with that hot guy i've been eyeing the whole night. win for me! but there are nights when i came out in my sexiest, come-fuck-me outfits. i dabbed on my manliest-yet-fruity-but-seductive eau de parfum. i had an after facial glow. and what happened? nothing. it's just me and my hand that night. hahaha.

but what matters is this: you accept the award no matter what it is, with unnerring grace and panache. don't take yourself too seriously. learn to laugh at yourself. the wOrld would then laugh with you, not at you. so simple, yet back then i wished i had this mindset that i have now. i guess youth is really wasted on the young.


lesson#14: you are not your possessions

who knows that i would find a nugget of wisdom in a Disney movie? remember the circle of life? always think of your place in life as part of a greater whole. cliche, i know. but wait.

people often visualize society as a pyramid. i would prefer to think of it as a circle. a circle doesnt have a summit. you don't have to strive to claw your way to the top because there is no top! it's one long roundabout shape. and it could go either clockwise or counter clockwise. and it would always go back to you.

there would always be beckys out there who would always be hotter than you, more popular than you, richer than you. but always remember, that you would always have that something that they do not have. try visualizing the circle and where you are placed in it. you might see them as somewhere ahead of you. but that one thing you have and they don't? well, they also see you the other way around.

there's nothing wrong with aspiring for gadgets that cost an arm and a leg. i know i've been drooling for the latest apple has to offer. i know the prices have been prohibitive because i have to set aside my money for other stuff i need for my new place. and then i see these trust fund gays who walk around waving their i-whatevers like they are trinkets. at least when i get one, every sinGle centavo was from my pocket. i can not place a value to that.

----

happy tuesday! good luck with the traffic caused the humongo-ginormous gathering of the INCs in Manila.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Schisms 2

enough of the dreary news, time to switch it up a bit.

in other news...

my family just had a reunion. we hail from the hometown of the first parliament, Cavite.

it was a blast. the last time i was in Cavite was over a decade ago. back then, i was a confused little boy. haha. it was such a breath of fresh air being able to spend time with people who love you for who you are and not what you want them to love you as. it was crazy/fun. Water Park in Kawit is worth checking out. oh, just don't mind the construction going on. the place is pricy, but it's worth it. plus it's Josephine's. you can not go wrong with their food.

--

we spent a night at the resort. actually this is more of just a primer for a bigger party this coming Saturday. my lola has reached the veritable age of 85 and there's going to be a grand celebration. this middle of the week tryst at the Water Park is just R and R for the immediate family. intimate, i guess is the best word.

the next day we headed out to explore the rest of the city. we checked up on one of the houses we were having renovated for leasing. anyone from Cavite here? do me a favor and answer this: would you know the going rate for leasing houses? i'm trying to find a sweet spot on how much to charge tenants. it's a bungalow type of house, 200 sq. m with a two car garage. i know, Cavite before was a second rate city, but nowadays, it's fast becoming a boom town.

--

oh and we soaked up on some bit of history along the way as well. we went to aguinaldo's mansio...i mean house. man, i didn't know that this guy was loaded! damn, his house is way too old-world-fancy. i loved it! if i'm going to fashion my dream house, it's going to be contemporary minimalist mixed with old school architectural sensibilities.


damn, this house is old!


this hallway had it coming.
pose-friendly hallways,
watch out! haha.
ridiculously huge house, complete with a
bell tower!
love, love, love, the old world
furnitures. would love to have a
house like this.



--

This way to Narnia.
Click to enlarge.


--

i learned something new about my sister R, on this trip. she told me that she had a fascination of hidden passages. i remember, all those years back, while we were growing up, we always played Narnia-esque, The Secret Garden-like make-believe games. guided tours are for squares! we broke off from the group and did a little exploring of our own.

Sneaking around the old house
=
guilt filled fun

the creepy, psycho ward-like
room.

sneaking...sneaking...sneaking.
gotta get proof. hehe


this is a shot of the highest window
in the house. can you believe this
house has 7 floors? crazy!

Lara Croft, pinoy style. hehe.


--

getting a dose of history was a welcome experience. it put things into perspective. to me, things that may appear dire now, may just be a mere echo in the future. and that echo may actually lead you to something greater. i've learned to see my life in another light.

--

i love my family to bits! :)

Friday, February 4, 2011

Schisms 1

so i manned up. i took the plunge. i told him all i felt. well, almost all. i didn't want him to think i'm bordering on obsession.

the result?

major fail.

this guy i was so head over heels in "love" with, turns out to be a major dick bait. he gave me all these signals. heck, he even went out with me on 3 dates. things went down. feelings...pants...everything.

and what do i find out?

he just hooked up again with his ex over the weekend.

--

dick baits abound nowadays. i should know...i've been one. damn hurts pala to be on the receiving end. karma, much?

--

so i wore my heart out on my sleeve and this is what i get.

--

at this point in the game...i've learned the art of ambivalence. yeah. i cry. but only on the inside. 

boohoos while the world's smallest violin plays. (haha! whoever can tell me where this line came from gets a special cookie!)

and then i smile because i knew for a fact that i tried. i'm one of those guys who's all about the journey, not the destination. and boy, was the ride good, and the view, scenic.

--

oh well. next! here i go again. i wonder what does life have in store for me?

==

a mega post coming up. oh and enough about dicks. haha. time for some introspection and other matters. not everything is about the heart, right?

see ya.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Imbalance

am i really not meant to be in a relationship? i've been trying for the past few months and all i get are blanks. i have this one good shot with someone, but i am not even sure where we are going.

--

the phase of hooking up and getting-to-know-yous is like coming home after doing your groceries. you unpack your paper bags and you sift through the choices. you put one or two in your UHM shelf. another, you put in your MAYBE NOT storage. and three in the OH HELL NO bin. and then after everything, you find that one special person you put in your CAN BE shelf. this shelf you reserve for someone who embodies everything you admire and yearn for. someone who makes you think of the possibilities.

i've been staring at the shelf for quite some time now. and it's taking a toll on me. 

--

i've always been a romantic-realist. yes, i go through the motions of courting. i'm old school, what can i say? i prefer the slow simmer, cooked to perfection relationship. i can muster an unbelievable amount of patience and determination. in the end, i always get what i want.

--

chivalry or selfishness?

--

dear you,

i write this letter to tell you things. things i can not tell you in person. i'd like to tell you how much you rock the very core of my being. how you always turn my dull and dreary days around. how you speak, and my heart jumps in anticipation.

i don't normally go for guys like you, but you have this indescribable pull. i am drawn and i can not pull out of your orbit.

you know what time of day i hate the most? it's the time to go home. because that's when i would have to go back to my soliloquies and pondering of when we'll finally have that chance.

chance. what if i never met you? what if you did not step into the world i live in? what if i never saw your face? maybe i wouldn't be this pained. maybe i wouldn't be this unabashedly in fervor. maybe i wouldn't be yearning for the elusive.

i could spare myself a lot and yet, i wouldn't feel as alive as i do so now. 

xoxo,
advent

Sunday, June 20, 2010

His Day

i never knew my dad.

what an ironic statement to say because he's just a few inches away from me, sitting on his favorite spot, reading his newspaper while i'm eating my lunch. he's just there. he's more of a caricature in the house. perfunctorily going about the affairs of the household until it's time for him to leave for his second home (read: other family).

how can you know someone all your life and still not really know him? it's just one of those realities in life.

so lets see. what do i know of him? i know he works hard to keep both families living comfortably. i know he is a penny pincher. i know he is an Erap fanatic.

as for emotions you would come to expect from a father? i've seen him laugh, but not heartily. i've seen him mad, when i was younger, i was always at the receiving end. i've seen him happy, but not really.

have you ever seen your father cry? i know. it's an odd thing to imagine. but i look for it. why? i believe that there would only be two kinds of people you would truly, sincerely, and honestly let your tear drops fall for them to see. the ones who you loved so much and the ones you hated so much.

i've never seen him cry. so what am i to him? wallowing in the fringes, i guess.

--

what's your earliest recollection of your father? i remember, i was 5 years old and i wanted to see this cartoon on TV. i can't because he was there hogging it up, too engrossed with basketball. i begged and i pleaded for him to let me watch my favorite show, all he uttered to my mom was:

"kunin mo nga tong anak mo!" .

it has always been like that. he always refer to us siblings as "my mom's children". never have i heard him say "anak natin". why am i being all emo about semantics? i don't know. maybe it seems trivial, but i would have really loved hearing him say that i was his kid. but that never came from his lips.

--

when i was 7, i had a juvenile urge to play with toy guns. i imagined myself being a space marine or a space cop. my mom gave me this (then) cool looking space gun that lights up and makes all those (then) fancy sound. imagine me a kid, beaming with consummate joy. i was so excited to go brag about it to my (then) kid posse. except that i kinda busted the part where you put in the battery. you see, it had wires. for the life of me (then), i didn't know what they were for, so i pulled them out. my dad saw me do this. he went on a fit of rage. he was so mad, he grabbed the toy gun and threw it against the wall thereby smashing it to bits. you know how in the movies, things slow down for a dramatic effect? i saw my gun hit the wall, shatter into a million pieces and sputter out just like that. i've never cried harder in my young life.

--

fast forward a few years later when i was in middle school. it was then that i was becoming "confused" with my sexual orientation. i do not believe that not having a father figure would make you turn out gay. it's really a whole lot of things. but having a father figure would surely have made me more secure about who i am. and putting me in an all boys school? wrong move, dad. surrounding your neglected kid with other boys wouldn't be an ample substitute for your presence. it would only lead him to seek affection and gravitate towards these boys who you thought are supposed to make him "beef up".

--

we had a happy family life once, despite the things happening with me at school. as a family, we had the weekends to go out. we saw movies together. we played together. we ate out. bottom line is we spent every free time we had as a family. those were the golden years of my family.

that was until that whore came into my father's life. to cut the long story short, she came, she seduced, she got pregnant and she demanded support. they are now on their 2nd kid.

you know, it's pretty fucked up why men would often use the excuse that they acted only on instinct. "i'm just being a man". if being a man meant you would throw away your vow to love and cherish the one you married and her kids, then fuck being a real man!

--

i need to simmer down a bit.
......

--

if it sounds like i have lingering resentment in my heart for all the shitty things in my family life because of my dad... it's because i still do. but we've gone past the drama stage. we're past the things you see in telenovelas. we're now at the stage where we live with what we've got. and by that i mean trying to make the most out of the things we have.

well for one, he didn't leave us.

he's here, albeit, shuffling his time between our house and that den of iniquity they call a home. nowadays, we only get him Saturdays and Sundays (how the tables have turned).

second, he's trying to make up for the transgressions. he is trying to reach out to me, now that i'm an adult. i guess, he is trying to make me understand the impossible.

but the glass already has its cracks. things can never go back. and to make a facsimile of what was then true is just not for me.

--

i guess the point of this entry is to express in minute details how i feel about the man. despite my unquenchable hatred, this is matched by my undeniable love for the man i call my father.

you could never truly hate your parent. i guess that's what love truly means. and i'm all for giving the guy a break. he tries. oh yeah, he tries. and so i should too. i'd rather have a messy, dysfunctional relationship with him than none at all.

--

epilogue:
i've often wondered if i would make a good father someday. don't get me wrong. i still am allergic to seafood, if you catch my drift. but i dream of having a son. adoption is definitely out of the question. i am 100% sure i would want him to be from my loins.

i believe- no scratch that- i know that i would be a good father someday. so happy father's day to myself if ever it comes into fruition.


P.S.
dad, i love you, you scumbag. 

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Just Shush

do you consider yourself religiouS?

growing up, i remember just being "second-hand religiouS". my mom and dad aren't atheists, but they aren't the praying type either. they believe that going to church should only be done once a year -christmas! my grandma (mom side) was more of the "thou shall not speak the Lord's name in vain" type.

every summer i remember, we would stay over at her house to have a respite from the city lifE. it was an idyllic existence, except when it's the holy week. she would reprimand us if we are not doing the motions.

she had a rule about not uttering a word for the whole of Holy Friday. we can only do hand signals. speaking louder than a squeek would make the cross heavier and the nails more painful for Christ. being impressionable young 'uns that we are, the thought of making someone bleed because of our talking mortified us.

and the fooD. oh the food! fish cooked in every imaginable way. grilled, baked, put in sinigang, skewered, relleno-ed...we had to check our backs just in case we were growing scales.

then there's the praying of the rosary...in spanisH. i was just mumbling along.

we also had a specific hour of the day where we would just meditate about our transgressions to the lorD. we had to ask for forgiveness for every single one.

playing was not allowed of coursE. but back then i was already i was already a hard headed runt so i went sneaking into the storage room. i piled chairs to reach the high cabinet containing my toys. chairs slipped. got the wind seriously knocked out of me. and i semi passed out. when i got to, it was late afternoon.

i got to know my lola's posse of lovely old ladies and their hushed chitchatS.

it seemed to go on foreveR. sadly, just like the afternoon sun setting, my grandma got weaker as time marched along. soon she barely have the energy to stand up.

with her, our holy week traditions went awaY.

--

the silence of the day makes me feel like looking back on those golden afternoonS. i used to abhor those rules. now there is that bittersweet pang reminiscing.

the holy week we knew back then is so different from what it is now, don't you think sO?

which one do you prefeR?