Imbalance

am i really not meant to be in a relationship? i've been trying for the past few months and all i get are blanks. i have this one good shot with someone, but i am not even sure where we are going.

--

the phase of hooking up and getting-to-know-yous is like coming home after doing your groceries. you unpack your paper bags and you sift through the choices. you put one or two in your UHM shelf. another, you put in your MAYBE NOT storage. and three in the OH HELL NO bin. and then after everything, you find that one special person you put in your CAN BE shelf. this shelf you reserve for someone who embodies everything you admire and yearn for. someone who makes you think of the possibilities.

i've been staring at the shelf for quite some time now. and it's taking a toll on me. 

--

i've always been a romantic-realist. yes, i go through the motions of courting. i'm old school, what can i say? i prefer the slow simmer, cooked to perfection relationship. i can muster an unbelievable amount of patience and determination. in the end, i always get what i want.

--

chivalry or selfishness?

--

dear you,

i write this letter to tell you things. things i can not tell you in person. i'd like to tell you how much you rock the very core of my being. how you always turn my dull and dreary days around. how you speak, and my heart jumps in anticipation.

i don't normally go for guys like you, but you have this indescribable pull. i am drawn and i can not pull out of your orbit.

you know what time of day i hate the most? it's the time to go home. because that's when i would have to go back to my soliloquies and pondering of when we'll finally have that chance.

chance. what if i never met you? what if you did not step into the world i live in? what if i never saw your face? maybe i wouldn't be this pained. maybe i wouldn't be this unabashedly in fervor. maybe i wouldn't be yearning for the elusive.

i could spare myself a lot and yet, i wouldn't feel as alive as i do so now. 

xoxo,

advent