Sexual Deviant - Deviant

there's no doubt about my preference, i'm 100% of the fabulous kind. but someHow there's that one side of me that doesn't conform to the norm.

i think i'm a sex-stoic.

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what i mean by that is, yeah i knOw what sex is and i have experienced boatloads of it. in retrospect, i did most of those things without any gratification. oh sure, i come. every single time *winks. nothing wrong in that department.

i guess it has to do with the supposed joy you get out of the act. i get none of it.

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there were phases in my life where i got so addicted to porn. i won't be a hypocrite in saying i got over that now. eveRy now and then, i love a little bit of this and that.

so maybe some of my friends would say that my perception of sex has been distorted by the wrong message these porn videos present.

the thing is, i know exactly that the scenarios depicted are just plain fantasies. nothing but pure fabrication of some old queen in a basement studio whacking off to what he thinks is hot. based on actual experiences, i'm definitely sure that no one in their right minds can do half of the positions that you see in porn. yep. tried it, and it doesn't work. it's as fake as the acting the porn "stars" provide you.

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another friend inferred that maybe i haven't met the right person yet. to which, after going through my little black book, i would ask: what is a "right" person? i've gone and met vanilla boys to leather freaks to orgy fraternities. it's like a big bite out of the gay sex pie chart.

and since i've settled down with my bf, i can pretty much say that being the "gifted" person that he is, he is what some would say the "right" kind of man. *rawr*. so where's the hold up?

me. that's where.

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in sex, i am more of a mirror than a doer. since i don't have the same fire in me, i just echo the same intensity. if the sex is steaming hot, then i raise the temperature. if the act is as cold as left overs in the fridge, then i give exactly that plus a side ordEr of stale bread. haha. i could never see myself subservient nor dominating.

sexual empath, ftW.
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the most asked question in gay-dom is: are you top or bottom? i'm not the type who would readily choose a side. nor the type who would pretentiously say "versa" just because they think it sounds cool.

i'm not even sure if i have an answer to that.

i guess i'm just wired this way.

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despite all these, i give respect to all of my horny friends out there who can't help but fuck the living shit (pun intended) out of every single guy they meet.

fuck like there's no tomorrow. but don't forget to be safe!


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have a sexy weekend everyone!

(and here's a cheesy gif to go along with it. thank you mr. original uploader)

When The Dust Settles, Breathe!

a couple of months ago, i've met these two lovely people Chon (not his real name) and Jenna (not her real name). in the midst of shenanigans in the office, they kEep me sane. and for that i aM grateful.

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bf and i share a secret vocabulary. yuP, we are at that level. saccharinely cute and mangled at the same time, i can't help but fawn over it. it releases a certain child-like wonder in me, this coming up with bizaare words.

i might give the doctor a run for his money. *wink

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did you feel the heat wave a while ago? supposedly it's the hottest recorded in a long time. pssht. i mIssed it. i was sleeping the whole time.

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i wanna see Fuerza Brute. it looks so cRazy fun!

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what's with networks coming up with twitter hashtags and then imploring the viewers to trend the show? desperate, much? it's just so sad. and do they even know the rules of trending?

have you seen the trending topics lately? "(insert random star name) Day", is the "in" thing among the kids nowadays. they'd sit together in groups, clutching a celphone and tweeting.

i rEmember when i was a kid, the "trend" we follow would be what's the latest cartoon and what card collectibles come with it. the closest thing to a hashtag would probably be the band aids i had to plaster all over my knees from all the running and squeezing into tight spaces. i guess being a kid and fanaticism has taken a new, technologically savvy form.

if i were to tag this part, it would be #oldpersonreminiscing hahaha.

oh well.

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it was Ash Wednesday yesterday. i almost forgot about it, until i saw people walking around, looking like they fell on something nasty. sometimes, i think, the priests are just arbitrarily putting the cross on the foreheads. must be so tiring doing it for the nth time.

i saw a lady at the office, bearing what vaguely looked like the Fantastic Four symbol.

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happy Thursday, everyone!

Damn, I Can See Your House From Here

i can't believe it's been almost a year since i last posted something.

right now, i'm chuckling. can't stop snickering at the painting, a self-portrait from a year ago. damn. i beat myself up too much over that whole hullabaloo. it's like looking at yourself after a boxing match with demons. or clowns. i'm not sure which is more comedically frightful.

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what a diffence a year makes! let's see, how has my life changed since then? well, that painting looks so alien now, that's one.

cynicism aside, i'm in a really good place right now.

i'm still this man, struggling to suppress the inner curious kid. i'm hitting the big 3-0 in a couple of months. my only saving grace is the fact that i'm age-indifferent. it's not really a big deal for me. i just want to get it done and over with.

what else? oh yeah, i've moved out of my folks' house. got a condo - as far away from my comfort zone as possible. scared shit but i love it.

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i'm also in love now. notice how haphazardly i threw that word out. haha. it's true, though. the universe still cares for this walking contradiction that is my skinny psyche.

a few months after my last entry, i spiralled out of the black hole i've fallen into. i was a bit shaken, but i managed to get back up. i dated for a few months. and then i meant him.

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if only i can still track all of the stories left unpenned when i went into blogging hiatus. perhaps, in little chunks as i go along.

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you know how in your head you sound a certain way? before, i had the "ralph fiennes-reading-neruda-poems" pretentious schtick. well, now that voice speaks in a hybrid british-ilonggo accent. hahah. i kid.

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achievement: i've learned to love myself more. i'm a loving older brother to my younger inner self.

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i just want to sniff the air again around here. i really can't stop writing. not ever. it's my muse, my escape.

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You are an illuminating anchor
Of leagues to infinite number
Crashing waves and breaking thunder
Tiding the ebb and flows of hunger
You're dancing naked there for me
You expose all memory
You make the most of boundary
You're the ghost of royalty imposing love
You are the queen and king combining everything
Intertwining like a ring around the finger of a girl
I'm just a singer, you're the world
All I can bring ya
Is the language of a lover
Bella luna, my beautiful, beautiful moon
How you swoon me like no other

-Bella Luna by Mr. A-Z

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i'm excited.

MadStringsManifesto, now on its second symphony.  

Saturday Ponderings

i've slowly inched my way back to sanity. have i, really?

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the labyrinth has been beaten. has it, really?

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a new wall blocks me. where do i go now? as the gold liquid slowly but surely sips away all my sorrow, i think i see a small crack on it's foreboding face.

the flowers break into song. lovely melody tonight. i think i might just sit by this wall and let the serenade lull me to sleep.

Wednesday Ponderings

sometimes i feel like i am getting tired of living inside my head. i'm getting sick of that inner voice. lately, i'm getting sick of myself.

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i need a jolt. i need a reckoning. i need a kick.

-

i think the walls are talking to me. and the paintings too. 

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help.

Tuesday Ponderings

2 of my closest friends are moving to Cebu. sigh. i wish them well.

i would seriously want to go too, if i wasn't studying...

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i went out over the week ends. i went bar hopping with my becky posse. i don't know if this is a good or a bad thing but there are so many young 'uns like us. it's like the pink virus has spread and there's no stopping it.

beauty abounds.

temptation too.

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a lamp sits by the window. its light, sputtering. it used to be the brightest of all the colors. now, it can't even find the the base of the spectrum. it's staring out the window...thinking...my light still has some spark. so it sets its heart to go get a new bulb. 


if only the meddlesome socket would let it go. but where would it go without the juice that it needs to live?

Monday Ponderings

i felt a rumbling a while ago. the tremors are reaching even our shores. i get a bad feeling in my stomach thinking about the "what ifs"?

how ready are we for the big thing? god forbid. we are already messed up as it is.

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somehow, the tragedy gave me a shift of perspective. all the things i've been beating myself up over, all the hate i've been throwing at this guy, all the games i've been playing, all my selfishness and pride - all those things do not matter anymore. they are but trivialities.

it's all just whining.

what is that compared to those whose problems are way bigger? those who did not have a CHOICE?

i can always choose to be happy, but the poor people in that prefecture can not "will" the ocean to ebb.

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on the lighter side of things:
i went out and saw ZsaZsa Zaturnnah Ze Muzikal last Saturday. it was a riot. not as polished as i want it to be, but i noticed that they've updated some of the jokes (ex, about Sharon C.). Eula is as kickass and as funny as ever. and still smokin' hot even at the age of 42! the new Didi (not the Yakult guy), is effective enough (although not as much as the original one). and to stage this during a period when there is no big competition is a smart move. im pretty sure the The Tanghalan racked in the dough.

i just thought the only bad decision they made was to cast Rocky Salumbides. this guy is scrumptious from head to toe. he has all the curves in all the darn places there should be some (ha!). but he CAN.NOT.SING!  maybe not even if it is to save his own life. i mean, the original Dodong was not expected to be Pavarotti, but at least he can carry a tune. Rocky on the other hand, murdered the two set pieces given to him. it would have been passable if he is just a minor character...but he is the damn male lead!
arg! Eula, girl, your vocals can move mountains, but don't force your boyfriend into our pitiful ears - no matter how hot he is!

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on the drunken side of things:
we had a drunken night at Malate (surprise, surprise! how redundant of us! ha!). you know that feeling when you are in between tipsy and totally smashed. you know...the g-spot of drinking? well he's my best friend now. lol.