How Much?

my close friend and i were talking about guys who go for sugar gay benefactors. we know they exist. we might even know one. but we've always said negative things about them at one point or another. i got into thinking, are we just sour graping? when it comes to worldly things, how strong is your resolve to resist and say "no, thanks"?

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i remember meeting a client at work before. he was this big, burly effeminate Puerto Rican. try picturing Carrot Top, but Latino. and extra fabulous! at first he was just nice to me. and not that i was naive, but i initially wallowed in the generosity. generosity blossomed into going for fancier things, like high end restaurants, gifts and what-nots. i wouldn't do him justice if i claimed innocence in what's happening. i was aware of where it was heading, but i chose to tag along for the ride because...it felt good.

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all these years past and i remember how liberating it was, and yet it was so dirty at the same time. i had the world at my beckon. and yet, it wasn't what i really wanted.

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something to remember when you get the urge to wallow in the hedonism: eventually people will get hurt. it's not a matter of if, but when. at that time, i knew that i chose to hurt him.

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we are a product of our mistakes. and while i acknowledge that they were blunders, i prefer not to regret my choice. yes, at one point, i was this really ugly person.

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we go through life, carrying scars. wounds of past mistakes. we always search for that one person who can look at us, scabs and all, and think "you are the most wonderful thing i have ever seen in my life". some of us end up lucky and find him, but most of us...well, we end up with someone who is just as scarred, if not more, as we are. the question now is, can you take his "ugly" as he takes yours?

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sunday thoughts. mind reeling from driving through the crazy edsa traffic.

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a simple wish: let this week give your character more value, no matter how incremental.

Unfolding Packages

there is something about depressing christmas songs that makes me fancy them more than the cheerful ones.

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i've been spending a lot of time lurking in twitter lately. more like a curiosity observer. i can't believe how many horny dudes are out there. i guess it's easier for today's generation to answer that carnal craving - they have all these avenues. back in my day, you have to really go out there. now, all they do is type something in, wait for a response, and viola! instant companion for the night!

i never add these guys, nor reply to any of their tweets. there is comfort in watching from afar. just like watching animals behind the glass cages at the zoo. or in twitter terms: i create lists. i have to admit, i am more drawn to the local hornbags than the foreign ones. saying horny words in tagalog, i guess, makes it raunchier. hehe.

here's my menagerie of horny twitter dude archetypes:

curiosity #1 - guys who post headless shots
freaky. yes i know, you have a torso, cut like adonis. and yes i know you want to streak it online but why don't you have the balls (pun intended) to show your face?

curiosity #2 - boohoo-notice-me guys
one example is this guy with a half body shot (yes, including his handsome face). just from the picture alone, you can tell that he has: 1. gone to the shower, 2. freshened up, 3. applied a moisturizer/toner/whatever. oh, and then he captions the picture: TIRED or HAGGARD - exactly the opposite thing. i get your game, mr. conceited. you just want to get comments from your denizens of horny fans saying "no, you're not. you're so cute kaya!". no cookie for you, here's my virtual eye-roll.

curiosity #3 - the horny goat seekers
those who post their most seductive looking poses (the more bulges, the better), then go around talking dirty to anyone who would pass by his account, showering him with adulation. a virtual carinderia. sometimes, the food on display is enticing, but sometimes, it's just plain dirty.

curiosity #4 -RT-ers
their walls are flooded with retweets from porn accounts. you could really see what type of kink are turn-ons for these guys. are they twink lovers? bear huggers? daddies? fetishists? the list is endless. thanks for the material. they're, uhm, handy... ;)

there are more out there waiting to be discovered.

just out of curiosity, add me: madstrung

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today is a Saturday. this week breezed by so fast and yet i still have a lot of things left to do in the office. but hey, it's the freaking weekend.

im looking forward to spending quality time with the ones i love.

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happy weekend, you hornbag!

Inspiration...(ode to DarkWinter)

a muse came up to me through FB and asked why i haven't been putting my pen to (digital) paper as of late. a sort of blogging existential question.

i've been lurking the blogosphere more as a reveleR of blogger trainwrecks trying to carve out a niche in the internet universe. and damn, there are boatloads of 'em. concocting all sorts of gimmicks just to pass of as "interesting". and no, i am not washing my hands, because at one point in my misguided youth, i had the fame dream as well. but alas, for every bryanboy that catapults into the stratosphere, 1 million misfires fAll back to earth.

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nevertheless, i am back.

i will write for me.

My goal is simple. that if the world would end on 12/21 (or in a billion yearS time, give or take a few million), i would, at the very lEast, make a ripple in the ocean of human collective memory. that my words would burrow into someone else's mind and blossom. that i can reach at least a few to let them know that my Story existed.


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madstringsmanifesto version 4* , now strumming.


*i skipped v3 for no apparent reason.

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Epilogue:

darkwinter came at a time when i was a wide-eyed deer hit by an oncoming truck, left alone dying on the road. she held her hand out, and i took it. i got back up on my feet and did not look back ever since. she's like shiva, smiting down an old world to give way for a new one.

darkwinter dear,

time has changed both our faces. but it will never change what's inside of us: the passion to write.

forever your admirer,
madstrings 

Can I Take Your Smile Home With Me?

over the weekend we had a blast drinking ourselves silly. my boyfriend doesn't do alchohol, though. he says he is way past his alchohol drinking age limit and he learned from a bad lesson from yesteryears. so he just sits there while we get our faces hammered.

there are some parts of me that get giving up alchohol, some that do not. i know full well the effects of downing an ungodly amount of liquid crazy. but come on, avoiding it all together? (haha, i'm sounding like an alchohol addict - but i'm not). i know my limits.

i believe in responsible drinking. i visualize a speedometer that instead of measuring speed, it measures how inebriated i am. i call it my booze'o'meter (it's funnier in tagalog). and instead of numbers, the pointer would fall on levels of crazy (c for short). 100c (the tipsy with right kind of buzz, happy happy, dancing like a fool, giving a non-malicious kiss to beautiful strangers- but not out of control level) is my limit. i slam the brakes when i get there. when i was younger, i did some real stupid things going past that. destroying public property being a part of the list. lol.

i noticed that my 100c now is different from my 100c when i was younger. i can take more of the liquid crazy in. sometimes i even surprise myself. i can hold my alchohol better now. i guess that's one thing i appreciate about getting older.

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Disney’s ‘Maleficent’ Will Begin Filming In June
Angelina Jolie will Play Maleficent, Elle Fanning in Talks to play Aurora

Back in January of 2010 we first learned that Tim Burton and Disney were planning to make a live-action film titled Maleficent that would focus on the villain of the classic fairy tale Sleeping Beauty. A couple of months later, we learned that Angelina Jolie‘s name was being tossed around as the possible actress to play Maleficent. Since then, news on the project has been kind of quiet … until now. Today we learn that yes, Angelina will play Maleficent in the film and that filming production is scheduled to begin in June … but Tim Burton is no longer associated with the film. We also learn that young actress Elle Fanning (younger sister of Dakota Fanning who starred in Super 8) is in negotiations to play the other lead role, that of Princess Aurora / Briar Rose.
from: http://www.tr3nt.com/

that's Sleeping Beauty we're talking about here. is this the new Hollywood trend? now it's all about reimagining the fairy tales and more often, shifting the attention to either the villain or a bit character in the story. (wasn't this done in Hook?) vampires and werewolves are so 2010.

what's next? Jafar the Magnificent (his rise to grand vizier). or Genie and the 100 Arabians (a new look on what goes on in his bedroom full of scantily clad young boys). Gaston and Beauty (how he is a self-centered prick who finally meets someone prettier than him), or how about Ursula: The Wonder Years (a detailed exposition on the tradgedies in the life of an innocent squidwoman who got sexually abused by her step dad that led to the maniacal octopus we have now).

sigh. the possibilities are endless.

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speaking of disney, don't you just love singing? i know i do.

for my Jenna's birthday bash (her "thirty-eenth") i had the idea of combining what she and group love: eclectic music and singing. i wanted it to go a little further than collating her favorites - i thought of us actually singing the songs!

so weeks prior to the bash, i gathered the gang in secret (without her, of course!) and had them pick a song they wanted, i scoured the interwebs for mp3s of the instrumentals, printed out the lyrics, booked a reservation at an actual recording studio (professional, baby!) and boom! the makings of a full fledged album.

since it's one of her favorite movies,the album is called: No Other Jenna. complete with my digital artwork as the cd cover.



of course, the pictures are covered. haha.

 the album turned out great! the sound engineer was a master of his craft. i loved the whole experience. i can only imagine what the professionals actually go through to do this. watch out world, for volume 2! lol.

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pet peeve# 245: you know that time when you go to the office pantry and pay for your food? after you pay, the cashier would give you your change by handing over your money and it passes OVER the food? i really hate it.  i can imagine an invisible germ army fly down from the money over to your food. ick.

when i see the lady about to do it, i instinctively move my food tray out of the way. and she gives me a "you're weird" kind of look. i just respond with a "well, you're gross" kind of look.

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happy hump day, everyone!

Mad Strings 8: Ode

it skid by my window, caressing the panes. i heard it a-knocking so i opened it. at first just to take a peek. when i saw its face, i immediately recognized it. like a long lost friend. you never forget a face.

it's staring at me. i'm sure it changed its expression from grey to yellow. looking at what i am now, it gave me a reassuring hug. i know it's the wind. but it radiated warmth. 

"you are different" it said to my mind's ear. i simply nodded. and it smiled again. 

"what took you so long?" i asked.

"i had always been around." in a voice that felt like a summer day.

"well then. let's do this."

T.B.L. Vol. 4: Lover's Moon (Season 2)

remember this, a couple of posts back?

T.B.L. stand for The Becklette Lessons. i would like to define becklette as a becky who is of the age of innocence (or lack thereof). anywhere between teen to early 20s. i want to impart knowledge to my brethren who are of the younger set. there are so many of them out there.

if you do not fall within this age range anymore, you have to admit, you were a becklette once. didn't we, at one point in our lives, say this: i wish i knew then what i know now? some of us grow older, but never grow up. maybe, just maybe, this could still help.

i havent done this in a while. people do grow uP eventually, and so i would like to re-write how this goes. i would like to make it a little bit more personal this time around. i don't want to preach, i just would like to voice out what i've been through. and so, for Season 2, i'm rebranding this. it should go like this:

T.B.L. stand for The Becks Lessons. i would like to define becks as a gay guy who is of the age of innocence (or lack thereof). anywhere between teen to mid 20s. young, beautiful, and most often, foolish.

i was, once upon a time, in that phase. you have to admit, you were too. didn't we, at one point in our lives, say this: i wish i knew then what i know now? some of us grow older, but never grow up. maybe, just maybe, this could help. these passages may or may not contain lessons, but they tell a story.



lesson#12: no other gay man

there is a strangE phenomenon going on and it probably has to do with the market being too saturated here in manila. often, you will scratch your head at the fact thaT a number of those "seeking" for potential partners are those that are in relationships.

it probably is one of the oldest sTories of infidelities in our world. you'd meet someone casually, sparks fly, you get to know each other, continue for a month, then boom! you find out he's in a relationship.

a lot of blog posts have been written about this, some rivalling the holiness of the pope, telling you off that what you are doing is immoral and that you would destroy lives (partially true) and you'd go to hell (well, maybe), while on the opposing side, it would be one-upping the indecency of the worst kontrabida slut you can think of, telling you that it's just having fun (partly true) and that you know when to stop (most often, not true).

i learned my own way. there is no right or wrong way to go about it. i say: go fuck each other sore, give him the best damn sex he's ever had but afterwhIch, go exorcist-crazy on him and slap him real hard for his partner. when you hear the door slam shut after he leaves, stand in front of the mirror, and slap yourself real hard for you to wake up. do it twice, if your dream is of the 2nd level inception type. then hug yourself.

plan it out. as soon as you find out he is in a relationship, apply lesson#1 of TBL (look it up), suck it up. then make sure you go out with a bang. this way, you get to have a "taste" of this man whom you've been spending/wasting a good month or so of your life with. you won't get any "what ifs" (what if he has a huge cock? what if he tastes really good? what if he has a mole on his left ball sack... you get the point). doing it oftentimes dispels the curiosity (no he doesn't have a 9-inch magnum more like a 5 incher on a good day; he tastes like lukewarm onion soup and smells like one too, and if that's a mole, then i would have to redefine brownish ball sacks)....my point is, finding out gives you the disappointing answers.

and he would also leave you feeling scared shit from your ghetto act. and maybe, just maybe, he will smell the coffee too and learn.

win-win. at least on your part.



lesson#13: sometimes you are Halle Berry for the Monster Ball winning an Oscar, and sometimes you are the Halle Berry for Catwoman getting a Razzi.

yes, you are Halle Berry. a strong and beautiFul black woman. your sex appeal can cut a man in half. yup. and then you wake up.

sometimes you win big and sometimes you appear to win, but in reality you are just making a fool of yourself. let's take for example: going out to the gay scene a while back. there are some nights where i felt i was not at my best form, and yet, i get to score with that hot guy i've been eyeing the whole night. win for me! but there are nights when i came out in my sexiest, come-fuck-me outfits. i dabbed on my manliest-yet-fruity-but-seductive eau de parfum. i had an after facial glow. and what happened? nothing. it's just me and my hand that night. hahaha.

but what matters is this: you accept the award no matter what it is, with unnerring grace and panache. don't take yourself too seriously. learn to laugh at yourself. the wOrld would then laugh with you, not at you. so simple, yet back then i wished i had this mindset that i have now. i guess youth is really wasted on the young.


lesson#14: you are not your possessions

who knows that i would find a nugget of wisdom in a Disney movie? remember the circle of life? always think of your place in life as part of a greater whole. cliche, i know. but wait.

people often visualize society as a pyramid. i would prefer to think of it as a circle. a circle doesnt have a summit. you don't have to strive to claw your way to the top because there is no top! it's one long roundabout shape. and it could go either clockwise or counter clockwise. and it would always go back to you.

there would always be beckys out there who would always be hotter than you, more popular than you, richer than you. but always remember, that you would always have that something that they do not have. try visualizing the circle and where you are placed in it. you might see them as somewhere ahead of you. but that one thing you have and they don't? well, they also see you the other way around.

there's nothing wrong with aspiring for gadgets that cost an arm and a leg. i know i've been drooling for the latest apple has to offer. i know the prices have been prohibitive because i have to set aside my money for other stuff i need for my new place. and then i see these trust fund gays who walk around waving their i-whatevers like they are trinkets. at least when i get one, every sinGle centavo was from my pocket. i can not place a value to that.

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happy tuesday! good luck with the traffic caused the humongo-ginormous gathering of the INCs in Manila.

So I Should Know

the weekend went by in such a flaSh. it was pretty uneventful. my bf had his driving lessons and i went to the derma for my usual (vAnity attack).

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pet peeve #456:
on twitter, facebook or pretty much any site you can upload pictures: posting a pic of yours and saying you look haggard heRe when in fact, prior to taking the pic, you did the following: you went to the restroom, washed your face, applied your moisturizer and toner, dabbed a little bit of the magic thingy that makes the evil oiliness Go away, winked, stepped out then aimed the camera at the most flattering angle, then took the pic (in no particular order). you then go upload your pic then put a caption that is opposite of what you look like.

example (since i can't grab the pic of my twitter followers who do this a lot, i would just use me as a sample)

OMG. I'm like so haggard and so tired. LOLZ.
(or any variation of this caption)

*ok so my pic may not be a good example because 1. i forgot to dab a bit of that magic thingy so the evil oiliness goes away, 2. i'm not in the gym (haha).

the only goal? to get replies that say: "but, but you look so damned cute here!" or "i wanna eat you up!" or "wow, if that's how you look tired, what more when you are well rested?"

false modesty is annoying. stop it.

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on a random note, last Saturday when i hAd my derma appointment, i saw another client of the clinic who was grandstanding at the lobby: "make sure my Facial only lasts exactly 45 minutes. not a minute more, i can not just lie there and waste my time. i have to go elsewhere." wow. just wow.

lAter I found out it was Senator Pimentel.

go, girl! haha.

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it was a grey and wet Monday morning.

there goes our supposed start of summer. the weather is acting really weird, ain't it? it's Like we don't have any seasons anymore - it would be just hot or rainy...on any given day.

it's more fun in the Philippines.

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good vibes! happy monday.

Sexual Deviant - Deviant

there's no doubt about my preference, i'm 100% of the fabulous kind. but someHow there's that one side of me that doesn't conform to the norm.

i think i'm a sex-stoic.

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what i mean by that is, yeah i knOw what sex is and i have experienced boatloads of it. in retrospect, i did most of those things without any gratification. oh sure, i come. every single time *winks. nothing wrong in that department.

i guess it has to do with the supposed joy you get out of the act. i get none of it.

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there were phases in my life where i got so addicted to porn. i won't be a hypocrite in saying i got over that now. eveRy now and then, i love a little bit of this and that.

so maybe some of my friends would say that my perception of sex has been distorted by the wrong message these porn videos present.

the thing is, i know exactly that the scenarios depicted are just plain fantasies. nothing but pure fabrication of some old queen in a basement studio whacking off to what he thinks is hot. based on actual experiences, i'm definitely sure that no one in their right minds can do half of the positions that you see in porn. yep. tried it, and it doesn't work. it's as fake as the acting the porn "stars" provide you.

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another friend inferred that maybe i haven't met the right person yet. to which, after going through my little black book, i would ask: what is a "right" person? i've gone and met vanilla boys to leather freaks to orgy fraternities. it's like a big bite out of the gay sex pie chart.

and since i've settled down with my bf, i can pretty much say that being the "gifted" person that he is, he is what some would say the "right" kind of man. *rawr*. so where's the hold up?

me. that's where.

---

in sex, i am more of a mirror than a doer. since i don't have the same fire in me, i just echo the same intensity. if the sex is steaming hot, then i raise the temperature. if the act is as cold as left overs in the fridge, then i give exactly that plus a side ordEr of stale bread. haha. i could never see myself subservient nor dominating.

sexual empath, ftW.
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the most asked question in gay-dom is: are you top or bottom? i'm not the type who would readily choose a side. nor the type who would pretentiously say "versa" just because they think it sounds cool.

i'm not even sure if i have an answer to that.

i guess i'm just wired this way.

---

despite all these, i give respect to all of my horny friends out there who can't help but fuck the living shit (pun intended) out of every single guy they meet.

fuck like there's no tomorrow. but don't forget to be safe!


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have a sexy weekend everyone!

(and here's a cheesy gif to go along with it. thank you mr. original uploader)

When The Dust Settles, Breathe!

a couple of months ago, i've met these two lovely people Chon (not his real name) and Jenna (not her real name). in the midst of shenanigans in the office, they kEep me sane. and for that i aM grateful.

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bf and i share a secret vocabulary. yuP, we are at that level. saccharinely cute and mangled at the same time, i can't help but fawn over it. it releases a certain child-like wonder in me, this coming up with bizaare words.

i might give the doctor a run for his money. *wink

---

did you feel the heat wave a while ago? supposedly it's the hottest recorded in a long time. pssht. i mIssed it. i was sleeping the whole time.

---

i wanna see Fuerza Brute. it looks so cRazy fun!

---

what's with networks coming up with twitter hashtags and then imploring the viewers to trend the show? desperate, much? it's just so sad. and do they even know the rules of trending?

have you seen the trending topics lately? "(insert random star name) Day", is the "in" thing among the kids nowadays. they'd sit together in groups, clutching a celphone and tweeting.

i rEmember when i was a kid, the "trend" we follow would be what's the latest cartoon and what card collectibles come with it. the closest thing to a hashtag would probably be the band aids i had to plaster all over my knees from all the running and squeezing into tight spaces. i guess being a kid and fanaticism has taken a new, technologically savvy form.

if i were to tag this part, it would be #oldpersonreminiscing hahaha.

oh well.

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it was Ash Wednesday yesterday. i almost forgot about it, until i saw people walking around, looking like they fell on something nasty. sometimes, i think, the priests are just arbitrarily putting the cross on the foreheads. must be so tiring doing it for the nth time.

i saw a lady at the office, bearing what vaguely looked like the Fantastic Four symbol.

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happy Thursday, everyone!

Damn, I Can See Your House From Here

i can't believe it's been almost a year since i last posted something.

right now, i'm chuckling. can't stop snickering at the painting, a self-portrait from a year ago. damn. i beat myself up too much over that whole hullabaloo. it's like looking at yourself after a boxing match with demons. or clowns. i'm not sure which is more comedically frightful.

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what a diffence a year makes! let's see, how has my life changed since then? well, that painting looks so alien now, that's one.

cynicism aside, i'm in a really good place right now.

i'm still this man, struggling to suppress the inner curious kid. i'm hitting the big 3-0 in a couple of months. my only saving grace is the fact that i'm age-indifferent. it's not really a big deal for me. i just want to get it done and over with.

what else? oh yeah, i've moved out of my folks' house. got a condo - as far away from my comfort zone as possible. scared shit but i love it.

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i'm also in love now. notice how haphazardly i threw that word out. haha. it's true, though. the universe still cares for this walking contradiction that is my skinny psyche.

a few months after my last entry, i spiralled out of the black hole i've fallen into. i was a bit shaken, but i managed to get back up. i dated for a few months. and then i meant him.

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if only i can still track all of the stories left unpenned when i went into blogging hiatus. perhaps, in little chunks as i go along.

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you know how in your head you sound a certain way? before, i had the "ralph fiennes-reading-neruda-poems" pretentious schtick. well, now that voice speaks in a hybrid british-ilonggo accent. hahah. i kid.

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achievement: i've learned to love myself more. i'm a loving older brother to my younger inner self.

---

i just want to sniff the air again around here. i really can't stop writing. not ever. it's my muse, my escape.

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You are an illuminating anchor
Of leagues to infinite number
Crashing waves and breaking thunder
Tiding the ebb and flows of hunger
You're dancing naked there for me
You expose all memory
You make the most of boundary
You're the ghost of royalty imposing love
You are the queen and king combining everything
Intertwining like a ring around the finger of a girl
I'm just a singer, you're the world
All I can bring ya
Is the language of a lover
Bella luna, my beautiful, beautiful moon
How you swoon me like no other

-Bella Luna by Mr. A-Z

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i'm excited.

MadStringsManifesto, now on its second symphony.