A.C. Mad Strings Manifesto

Mad Strings 8: Ode

2012-03-09T18:17:00.001+08:00

it skid by my window, caressing the panes. i heard it a-knocking so i opened it. at first just to take a peek. when i saw its face, i immediately recognized it. like a long lost friend. you never forget a face.

it's staring at me. i'm sure it changed its expression from grey to yellow. looking at what i am now, it gave me a reassuring hug. i know it's the wind. but it radiated warmth.

"you are different" it said to my mind's ear. i simply nodded. and it smiled again.

"what took you so long?" i asked.

"i had always been around." in a voice that felt like a summer day.

"well then. let's do this."

T.B.L. Vol. 4: Lover's Moon (Season 2)

2012-02-28T19:42:00.001+08:00

remember this, a couple of posts back?

T.B.L. stand for The Becklette Lessons. i would like to define becklette as a becky who is of the age of innocence (or lack thereof). anywhere between teen to early 20s. i want to impart knowledge to my brethren who are of the younger set. there are so many of them out there.

if you do not fall within this age range anymore, you have to admit, you were a becklette once. didn't we, at one point in our lives, say this: i wish i knew then what i know now? some of us grow older, but never grow up. maybe, just maybe, this could still help.

i havent done this in a while. people do grow uP eventually, and so i would like to re-write how this goes. i would like to make it a little bit more personal this time around. i don't want to preach, i just would like to voice out what i've been through. and so, for Season 2, i'm rebranding this. it should go like this:

T.B.L. stand for The Becks Lessons. i would like to define becks as a gay guy who is of the age of innocence (or lack thereof). anywhere between teen to mid 20s. young, beautiful, and most often, foolish.

i was, once upon a time, in that phase. you have to admit, you were too. didn't we, at one point in our lives, say this: i wish i knew then what i know now? some of us grow older, but never grow up. maybe, just maybe, this could help. these passages may or may not contain lessons, but they tell a story.

lesson#12: no other gay man

there is a strangE phenomenon going on and it probably has to do with the market being too saturated here in manila. often, you will scratch your head at the fact thaT a number of those "seeking" for potential partners are those that are in relationships.

it probably is one of the oldest sTories of infidelities in our world. you'd meet someone casually, sparks fly, you get to know each other, continue for a month, then boom! you find out he's in a relationship.

a lot of blog posts have been written about this, some rivalling the holiness of the pope, telling you off that what you are doing is immoral and that you would destroy lives (partially true) and you'd go to hell (well, maybe), while on the opposing side, it would be one-upping the indecency of the worst kontrabida slut you can think of, telling you that it's just having fun (partly true) and that you know when to stop (most often, not true).

i learned my own way. there is no right or wrong way to go about it. i say: go fuck each other sore, give him the best damn sex he's ever had but afterwhIch, go exorcist-crazy on him and slap him real hard for his partner. when you hear the door slam shut after he leaves, stand in front of the mirror, and slap yourself real hard for you to wake up. do it twice, if your dream is of the 2nd level inception type. then hug yourself.

plan it out. as soon as you find out he is in a relationship, apply lesson#1 of TBL (look it up), suck it up. then make sure you go out with a bang. this way, you get to have a "taste" of this man whom you've been spending/wasting a good month or so of your life with. you won't get any "what ifs" (what if he has a huge cock? what if he tastes really good? what if he has a mole on his left ball sack... you get the point). doing it oftentimes dispels the curiosity (no he doesn't have a 9-inch magnum more like a 5 incher on a good day; he tastes like lukewarm onion soup and smells like one too, and if that's a mole, then i would have to redefine brownish ball sacks)....my point is, finding out gives you the disappointing answers.

and he would also leave you feeling scared shit from your ghetto act. and maybe, just maybe, he will smell the coffee too and learn.

win-win. at least on your part.

lesson#13: sometimes you are Halle Berry for the Monster Ball winning an Oscar, and sometimes you are the Halle Berry for Catwoman getting a Razzi.

yes, you are Halle Berry. a strong and beautiFul black woman. your sex appeal can cut a man in half. yup. and then you wake up.

sometimes you win big and sometimes you appear to win, but in reality you are just making a fool of yourself. let's take for example: going out to the gay scene a while back. there are some nights where i felt i was not at my best form, and yet, i get to score with that hot guy i've been eyeing the whole night. win for me! but there are nights when i came out in my sexiest, come-fuck-me outfits. i dabbed on my manliest-yet-fruity-but-seductive eau de parfum. i had an after facial glow. and what happened? nothing. it's just me and my hand that night. hahaha.

but what matters is this: you accept the award no matter what it is, with unnerring grace and panache. don't take yourself too seriously. learn to laugh at yourself. the wOrld would then laugh with you, not at you. so simple, yet back then i wished i had this mindset that i have now. i guess youth is really wasted on the young.

lesson#14: you are not your possessions

who knows that i would find a nugget of wisdom in a Disney movie? remember the circle of life? always think of your place in life as part of a greater whole. cliche, i know. but wait.

people often visualize society as a pyramid. i would prefer to think of it as a circle. a circle doesnt have a summit. you don't have to strive to claw your way to the top because there is no top! it's one long roundabout shape. and it could go either clockwise or counter clockwise. and it would always go back to you.

there would always be beckys out there who would always be hotter than you, more popular than you, richer than you. but always remember, that you would always have that something that they do not have. try visualizing the circle and where you are placed in it. you might see them as somewhere ahead of you. but that one thing you have and they don't? well, they also see you the other way around.

there's nothing wrong with aspiring for gadgets that cost an arm and a leg. i know i've been drooling for the latest apple has to offer. i know the prices have been prohibitive because i have to set aside my money for other stuff i need for my new place. and then i see these trust fund gays who walk around waving their i-whatevers like they are trinkets. at least when i get one, every sinGle centavo was from my pocket. i can not place a value to that.

----

happy tuesday! good luck with the traffic caused the humongo-ginormous gathering of the INCs in Manila.

So I Should Know

2012-02-27T19:12:00.000+08:00

the weekend went by in such a flaSh. it was pretty uneventful. my bf had his driving lessons and i went to the derma for my usual (vAnity attack).

---

pet peeve #456:
on twitter, facebook or pretty much any site you can upload pictures: posting a pic of yours and saying you look haggard heRe when in fact, prior to taking the pic, you did the following: you went to the restroom, washed your face, applied your moisturizer and toner, dabbed a little bit of the magic thingy that makes the evil oiliness Go away, winked, stepped out then aimed the camera at the most flattering angle, then took the pic (in no particular order). you then go upload your pic then put a caption that is opposite of what you look like.

example (since i can't grab the pic of my twitter followers who do this a lot, i would just use me as a sample)

OMG. I'm like so haggard and so tired. LOLZ.
(or any variation of this caption)

*ok so my pic may not be a good example because 1. i forgot to dab a bit of that magic thingy so the evil oiliness goes away, 2. i'm not in the gym (haha).

the only goal? to get replies that say: "but, but you look so damned cute here!" or "i wanna eat you up!" or "wow, if that's how you look tired, what more when you are well rested?"

false modesty is annoying. stop it.

---

on a random note, last Saturday when i hAd my derma appointment, i saw another client of the clinic who was grandstanding at the lobby: "make sure my Facial only lasts exactly 45 minutes. not a minute more, i can not just lie there and waste my time. i have to go elsewhere." wow. just wow.

lAter I found out it was Senator Pimentel.

go, girl! haha.

---

it was a grey and wet Monday morning.

there goes our supposed start of summer. the weather is acting really weird, ain't it? it's Like we don't have any seasons anymore - it would be just hot or rainy...on any given day.

it's more fun in the Philippines.

---

good vibes! happy monday.

Sexual Deviant - Deviant

2012-02-24T22:54:00.000+08:00

there's no doubt about my preference, i'm 100% of the fabulous kind. but someHow there's that one side of me that doesn't conform to the norm.

i think i'm a sex-stoic.

---

what i mean by that is, yeah i knOw what sex is and i have experienced boatloads of it. in retrospect, i did most of those things without any gratification. oh sure, i come. every single time *winks. nothing wrong in that department.

i guess it has to do with the supposed joy you get out of the act. i get none of it.

---

there were phases in my life where i got so addicted to porn. i won't be a hypocrite in saying i got over that now. eveRy now and then, i love a little bit of this and that.

so maybe some of my friends would say that my perception of sex has been distorted by the wrong message these porn videos present.

the thing is, i know exactly that the scenarios depicted are just plain fantasies. nothing but pure fabrication of some old queen in a basement studio whacking off to what he thinks is hot. based on actual experiences, i'm definitely sure that no one in their right minds can do half of the positions that you see in porn. yep. tried it, and it doesn't work. it's as fake as the acting the porn "stars" provide you.

---

another friend inferred that maybe i haven't met the right person yet. to which, after going through my little black book, i would ask: what is a "right" person? i've gone and met vanilla boys to leather freaks to orgy fraternities. it's like a big bite out of the gay sex pie chart.

and since i've settled down with my bf, i can pretty much say that being the "gifted" person that he is, he is what some would say the "right" kind of man. *rawr*. so where's the hold up?

me. that's where.

---

in sex, i am more of a mirror than a doer. since i don't have the same fire in me, i just echo the same intensity. if the sex is steaming hot, then i raise the temperature. if the act is as cold as left overs in the fridge, then i give exactly that plus a side ordEr of stale bread. haha. i could never see myself subservient nor dominating.

sexual empath, ftW.
---

the most asked question in gay-dom is: are you top or bottom? i'm not the type who would readily choose a side. nor the type who would pretentiously say "versa" just because they think it sounds cool.

i'm not even sure if i have an answer to that.

i guess i'm just wired this way.

---

despite all these, i give respect to all of my horny friends out there who can't help but fuck the living shit (pun intended) out of every single guy they meet.

fuck like there's no tomorrow. but don't forget to be safe!

---

have a sexy weekend everyone!

(and here's a cheesy gif to go along with it. thank you mr. original uploader)

When The Dust Settles, Breathe!

2012-02-23T16:43:00.000+08:00

a couple of months ago, i've met these two lovely people Chon (not his real name) and Jenna (not her real name). in the midst of shenanigans in the office, they kEep me sane. and for that i aM grateful.

---

bf and i share a secret vocabulary. yuP, we are at that level. saccharinely cute and mangled at the same time, i can't help but fawn over it. it releases a certain child-like wonder in me, this coming up with bizaare words.

i might give the doctor a run for his money. *wink

---

did you feel the heat wave a while ago? supposedly it's the hottest recorded in a long time. pssht. i mIssed it. i was sleeping the whole time.

---

i wanna see Fuerza Brute. it looks so cRazy fun!

---

what's with networks coming up with twitter hashtags and then imploring the viewers to trend the show? desperate, much? it's just so sad. and do they even know the rules of trending?

have you seen the trending topics lately? "(insert random star name) Day", is the "in" thing among the kids nowadays. they'd sit together in groups, clutching a celphone and tweeting.

i rEmember when i was a kid, the "trend" we follow would be what's the latest cartoon and what card collectibles come with it. the closest thing to a hashtag would probably be the band aids i had to plaster all over my knees from all the running and squeezing into tight spaces. i guess being a kid and fanaticism has taken a new, technologically savvy form.

if i were to tag this part, it would be #oldpersonreminiscing hahaha.

oh well.

---

it was Ash Wednesday yesterday. i almost forgot about it, until i saw people walking around, looking like they fell on something nasty. sometimes, i think, the priests are just arbitrarily putting the cross on the foreheads. must be so tiring doing it for the nth time.

i saw a lady at the office, bearing what vaguely looked like the Fantastic Four symbol.

---

happy Thursday, everyone!

Damn, I Can See Your House From Here

2012-02-22T22:06:00.001+08:00

i can't believe it's been almost a year since i last posted something.

right now, i'm chuckling. can't stop snickering at the painting, a self-portrait from a year ago. damn. i beat myself up too much over that whole hullabaloo. it's like looking at yourself after a boxing match with demons. or clowns. i'm not sure which is more comedically frightful.

----

what a diffence a year makes! let's see, how has my life changed since then? well, that painting looks so alien now, that's one.

cynicism aside, i'm in a really good place right now.

i'm still this man, struggling to suppress the inner curious kid. i'm hitting the big 3-0 in a couple of months. my only saving grace is the fact that i'm age-indifferent. it's not really a big deal for me. i just want to get it done and over with.

what else? oh yeah, i've moved out of my folks' house. got a condo - as far away from my comfort zone as possible. scared shit but i love it.

---

i'm also in love now. notice how haphazardly i threw that word out. haha. it's true, though. the universe still cares for this walking contradiction that is my skinny psyche.

a few months after my last entry, i spiralled out of the black hole i've fallen into. i was a bit shaken, but i managed to get back up. i dated for a few months. and then i meant him.

----

if only i can still track all of the stories left unpenned when i went into blogging hiatus. perhaps, in little chunks as i go along.

---

you know how in your head you sound a certain way? before, i had the "ralph fiennes-reading-neruda-poems" pretentious schtick. well, now that voice speaks in a hybrid british-ilonggo accent. hahah. i kid.

---

achievement: i've learned to love myself more. i'm a loving older brother to my younger inner self.

---

i just want to sniff the air again around here. i really can't stop writing. not ever. it's my muse, my escape.

---

You are an illuminating anchor
Of leagues to infinite number
Crashing waves and breaking thunder
Tiding the ebb and flows of hunger
You're dancing naked there for me
You expose all memory
You make the most of boundary
You're the ghost of royalty imposing love
You are the queen and king combining everything
Intertwining like a ring around the finger of a girl
I'm just a singer, you're the world
All I can bring ya
Is the language of a lover
Bella luna, my beautiful, beautiful moon
How you swoon me like no other

-Bella Luna by Mr. A-Z

---

i'm excited.

MadStringsManifesto, now on its second symphony.

Saturday Ponderings

2011-03-27T05:00:00.000+08:00

i've slowly inched my way back to sanity. have i, really?

the labyrinth has been beaten. has it, really?

a new wall blocks me. where do i go now? as the gold liquid slowly but surely sips away all my sorrow, i think i see a small crack on it's foreboding face.

the flowers break into song. lovely melody tonight. i think i might just sit by this wall and let the serenade lull me to sleep.

Wednesday Ponderings

2011-03-24T02:57:00.000+08:00

sometimes i feel like i am getting tired of living inside my head. i'm getting sick of that inner voice. lately, i'm getting sick of myself.

i need a jolt. i need a reckoning. i need a kick.

i think the walls are talking to me. and the paintings too.

help.

Tuesday Ponderings

2011-03-23T02:01:00.000+08:00

2 of my closest friends are moving to Cebu. sigh. i wish them well.

i would seriously want to go too, if i wasn't studying...

--

i went out over the week ends. i went bar hopping with my becky posse. i don't know if this is a good or a bad thing but there are so many young 'uns like us. it's like the pink virus has spread and there's no stopping it.

beauty abounds.

temptation too.

--

a lamp sits by the window. its light, sputtering. it used to be the brightest of all the colors. now, it can't even find the the base of the spectrum. it's staring out the window...thinking...my light still has some spark. so it sets its heart to go get a new bulb.

if only the meddlesome socket would let it go. but where would it go without the juice that it needs to live?

Monday Ponderings

2011-03-21T20:43:00.000+08:00

i felt a rumbling a while ago. the tremors are reaching even our shores. i get a bad feeling in my stomach thinking about the "what ifs"?

how ready are we for the big thing? god forbid. we are already messed up as it is.

--

somehow, the tragedy gave me a shift of perspective. all the things i've been beating myself up over, all the hate i've been throwing at this guy, all the games i've been playing, all my selfishness and pride - all those things do not matter anymore. they are but trivialities.

it's all just whining.

what is that compared to those whose problems are way bigger? those who did not have a CHOICE?

i can always choose to be happy, but the poor people in that prefecture can not "will" the ocean to ebb.

--

on the lighter side of things:
i went out and saw ZsaZsa Zaturnnah Ze Muzikal last Saturday. it was a riot. not as polished as i want it to be, but i noticed that they've updated some of the jokes (ex, about Sharon C.). Eula is as kickass and as funny as ever. and still smokin' hot even at the age of 42! the new Didi (not the Yakult guy), is effective enough (although not as much as the original one). and to stage this during a period when there is no big competition is a smart move. im pretty sure the The Tanghalan racked in the dough.

i just thought the only bad decision they made was to cast Rocky Salumbides. this guy is scrumptious from head to toe. he has all the curves in all the darn places there should be some (ha!). but he CAN.NOT.SING! maybe not even if it is to save his own life. i mean, the original Dodong was not expected to be Pavarotti, but at least he can carry a tune. Rocky on the other hand, murdered the two set pieces given to him. it would have been passable if he is just a minor character...but he is the damn male lead!
arg! Eula, girl, your vocals can move mountains, but don't force your boyfriend into our pitiful ears - no matter how hot he is!

--

on the drunken side of things:
we had a drunken night at Malate (surprise, surprise! how redundant of us! ha!). you know that feeling when you are in between tipsy and totally smashed. you know...the g-spot of drinking? well he's my best friend now. lol.

Mad Strings 10: The Reverb

2011-02-25T13:18:00.001+08:00

two weeks after the silent storm and i found myself on a shore. i'm not sure where this is, but this new land i'm trekking seems pristine, yet it echoes of familiarity. i suddenly have this surge of energy. "walk, Advent.", it prodded." just walk". and so i skimmed the coastline. the beach looks promising, but the forest over yonder glow like tiger eyes. and i caught myself, smiling in mid leap.

have i told you about my knack for wrestling tigers? no? ok, then. here we go...

do you have this predisposition to always fall for the wrong person? join the club. somehow, someway, i always get those who are: in relationships, just got out of a relationship, can't get over a relationship...bah! i already checked the mirror several times. do i have a look that scream: come get me, you dick baits?! di naman. do i have a magnetic effect to these tortured souls? do i scream: "sanctuary! come hither!" masokista ba ko? baka.

--

i have not experienced the "joys" of having a hangover. ever. seriously. when my friends and i go out for a bacchanalian night and i go drink 'til we get so smashed it's not even funny, the next day, i'm fine while all my silly friends are nursing a throbbing head (yung sa taas).

i guess my body is just "engineered" that way.

so here i am several weeks later, back to my cheery 'ol self. i bounce back easily. too easily in fact, i think it's kinda eerie. correlation to my lack of hangovers? maybe.

or maybe i just have a very efficient defense mechanism.(hmm...a topic for another post. pwede.)

--

for all its worth, Happy EDSA revolution day. or whatever the holiday is called. we have come a long way from the ways of old, but somehow not far enough. change comes not from the government and who sits on the chair of power. do i want to contribute? well, hell yeah! but have i done anything for the society? let me get back to you on that.

Born This Way

2011-02-17T10:14:00.000+08:00

This could have been the new anthem...

if only, it didn't sound like....

hay.

Schisms Tres

2011-02-07T05:07:00.002+08:00

alone.

indebted.

indifferent.

bound.

time for a change.

ready for the heat

Schisms 2

2011-02-05T08:51:00.000+08:00

enough of the dreary news, time to switch it up a bit.

in other news...

my family just had a reunion. we hail from the hometown of the first parliament, Cavite.

it was a blast. the last time i was in Cavite was over a decade ago. back then, i was a confused little boy. haha. it was such a breath of fresh air being able to spend time with people who love you for who you are and not what you want them to love you as. it was crazy/fun. Water Park in Kawit is worth checking out. oh, just don't mind the construction going on. the place is pricy, but it's worth it. plus it's Josephine's. you can not go wrong with their food.

--

we spent a night at the resort. actually this is more of just a primer for a bigger party this coming Saturday. my lola has reached the veritable age of 85 and there's going to be a grand celebration. this middle of the week tryst at the Water Park is just R and R for the immediate family. intimate, i guess is the best word.

the next day we headed out to explore the rest of the city. we checked up on one of the houses we were having renovated for leasing. anyone from Cavite here? do me a favor and answer this: would you know the going rate for leasing houses? i'm trying to find a sweet spot on how much to charge tenants. it's a bungalow type of house, 200 sq. m with a two car garage. i know, Cavite before was a second rate city, but nowadays, it's fast becoming a boom town.

--

oh and we soaked up on some bit of history along the way as well. we went to aguinaldo's mansio...i mean house. man, i didn't know that this guy was loaded! damn, his house is way too old-world-fancy. i loved it! if i'm going to fashion my dream house, it's going to be contemporary minimalist mixed with old school architectural sensibilities.

damn, this house is old!

this hallway had it coming.
pose-friendly hallways,
watch out! haha.

ridiculously huge house, complete with a
bell tower!

love, love, love, the old world
furnitures. would love to have a
house like this.

This way to Narnia.
Click to enlarge.

--

i learned something new about my sister R, on this trip. she told me that she had a fascination of hidden passages. i remember, all those years back, while we were growing up, we always played Narnia-esque, The Secret Garden-like make-believe games. guided tours are for squares! we broke off from the group and did a little exploring of our own.

Sneaking around the old house
=
guilt filled fun

the creepy, psycho ward-like
room.

sneaking...sneaking...sneaking.
gotta get proof. hehe

this is a shot of the highest window
in the house. can you believe this
house has 7 floors? crazy!

Lara Croft, pinoy style. hehe.

--

getting a dose of history was a welcome experience. it put things into perspective. to me, things that may appear dire now, may just be a mere echo in the future. and that echo may actually lead you to something greater. i've learned to see my life in another light.

--

i love my family to bits! :)

Schisms 1

2011-02-04T05:24:00.001+08:00

so i manned up. i took the plunge. i told him all i felt. well, almost all. i didn't want him to think i'm bordering on obsession.

the result?

major fail.

this guy i was so head over heels in "love" with, turns out to be a major dick bait. he gave me all these signals. heck, he even went out with me on 3 dates. things went down. feelings...pants...everything.

and what do i find out?

he just hooked up again with his ex over the weekend.

dick baits abound nowadays. i should know...i've been one. damn hurts pala to be on the receiving end. karma, much?

so i wore my heart out on my sleeve and this is what i get.

at this point in the game...i've learned the art of ambivalence. yeah. i cry. but only on the inside.

boohoos while the world's smallest violin plays. (haha! whoever can tell me where this line came from gets a special cookie!)

and then i smile because i knew for a fact that i tried. i'm one of those guys who's all about the journey, not the destination. and boy, was the ride good, and the view, scenic.

oh well. next! here i go again. i wonder what does life have in store for me?

==

a mega post coming up. oh and enough about dicks. haha. time for some introspection and other matters. not everything is about the heart, right?

see ya.

Dangerous Times

2011-01-27T17:27:00.001+08:00

and here i was going into my so called austerity measures. i've been a taxi rider for the past 4 years. i know no other means of transportation. that was until i've learned that mofo taxi cabs are raising the flag down AS WELL AS the per kilometer fare. doing the math, i would be spending 450 pesos per day on transportation alone. considering i am a bottomless pit of hunger, i would spend 300 pesos at least on food. and that is on a "i don't feel like eating" day.

damn.

so i decided to swallow my elitist pride and decided to take on buses. yes, those same behemoths that i curse because of their reckless abandon on the road. lo and behold, i got to know aircon buses. new ones at that! with fancy seats, flat screen tvs, surround sound system. the works. this other day, i got on one that was showing a movie that is yet to be shown in cinemas. damn! what rock have i been sleeping under? ha.

---

so i had been on this discipline thing for 2 weeks now. i realized, i've been saving a lot. who knows, i might just be able to get that car of my dreams this year if i keep this up.

---

and then tragedy.

if countries have a face, the Philippines would be so covered in sooth and grime, even it's own mother would be aghast to look at it.

i feel for the family of the victims of this violence. they who were going about their lives, ordinary, helpless, no beef with the terrorists.

why does this kind of evil exist?

and i don't see the logic that form in their twisted heads. they have a vendetta with the government, yet they prey on the hapless citizens. why not just go straight to the root of their war? bomb the f* out of each other! let them throw their volley of explosives against those in power, the moneyed, landed gentry, the military. let them snuff each other out. that way, they help the country...terrorists and crocodiles end up in flames.

---

let's pray not only for the victims, but also for this country.

Imbalance

2011-01-20T16:24:00.000+08:00

am i really not meant to be in a relationship? i've been trying for the past few months and all i get are blanks. i have this one good shot with someone, but i am not even sure where we are going.

the phase of hooking up and getting-to-know-yous is like coming home after doing your groceries. you unpack your paper bags and you sift through the choices. you put one or two in your UHM shelf. another, you put in your MAYBE NOT storage. and three in the OH HELL NO bin. and then after everything, you find that one special person you put in your CAN BE shelf. this shelf you reserve for someone who embodies everything you admire and yearn for. someone who makes you think of the possibilities.

i've been staring at the shelf for quite some time now. and it's taking a toll on me.

i've always been a romantic-realist. yes, i go through the motions of courting. i'm old school, what can i say? i prefer the slow simmer, cooked to perfection relationship. i can muster an unbelievable amount of patience and determination. in the end, i always get what i want.

chivalry or selfishness?

dear you,

i write this letter to tell you things. things i can not tell you in person. i'd like to tell you how much you rock the very core of my being. how you always turn my dull and dreary days around. how you speak, and my heart jumps in anticipation.

i don't normally go for guys like you, but you have this indescribable pull. i am drawn and i can not pull out of your orbit.

you know what time of day i hate the most? it's the time to go home. because that's when i would have to go back to my soliloquies and pondering of when we'll finally have that chance.

chance. what if i never met you? what if you did not step into the world i live in? what if i never saw your face? maybe i wouldn't be this pained. maybe i wouldn't be this unabashedly in fervor. maybe i wouldn't be yearning for the elusive.

i could spare myself a lot and yet, i wouldn't feel as alive as i do so now.

xoxo,

advent

Shifting Signs

2011-01-17T12:33:00.001+08:00

people can't get over their new zodiac signs. I, on the other hand, welcome this shift in a positive light. I am now an Ophiuchus, the Serpent Bearer. How astronomically cool is that?

--

This is the Zodiac as some astrologers believe it should be:

ARIES = APRIL 19 - MAY 13
TAURUS = MAY 14 - JUNE 19
GEMINI = JUNE 20 - JULY 20
CANCER = JULY 21 - AUG 9
LEO = AUGUST 10 - SEPTEMBER 15
VIRGO = SEPTEMBER 16 - OCTOBER 30
LIBRA = OCTOBER 31 - NOVEMBER 22
SCORPIO = NOVEMBER 23 - NOVEMBER 29
OPHIUCHUS = NOVEMBER 30 - DECEMBER 17
SAGITTARIUS = DECEMBER 18 - JANUARY 18
CAPRICORN = JANUARY 19 - FEBRUARY 15
AQUARIUS = FEBRUARY 16 - MARCH 11
PISCES = MARCH 12 - APRIL 18

--

poor Scorpios. 6 days of the year. haha.

--

Characteristics of an Ophiuchus:

Interpreter of dreams, vivid premonitions

Attracts good luck and fruitful blessings

Serpent holder, lofty ideals

Seeker of peace and harmony

Doctor of medicine or science, natural-pathic

Adds, increases, joins, or gathers together

--

this is going to be an interesting year, indeed.

The Stars Say

2011-01-01T10:49:00.001+08:00

that this is the year of the metal rabbit.

--

in tagalog: taon ng mga matitigas at makakating kuneho.

--

so, the question is...is this your year? haha.

--

HAPPY 2011 everyone!

Mad Strings 9: Go Solo

2010-12-26T21:04:00.001+08:00

synapses fire. bodies gyrating to the beat of the music. and then. there was fire. the coastline of our lips met. how is it possible that we meet people through such unexpected events? is that how the song of time works? you never really hear the symphony. you just feel it, throbbing in your chest.

give in to the passion.

despite the initial heat, i don't think i would lie down in the bed being offered. i don't want to. not now. i have blue and purple dreams to pursue. i have a life to put in order. please be still, little tremors.

in other news, add me up on BBM and twitter. i'll show you my pin if you show me yours. ;) as for twitter, i picked a random name: @KeanDrey_ism. See you!

Silver Balls

2010-12-23T13:14:00.000+08:00

don't you just love the christmas weather? the crisp, chilly winds from the north are back. hearkens me back to the days when i was but a wee little carefree version of myself. why can't we just be that? nowadays, all we associate with the wind is warming up with someone. where did that notion come from in the first place?

--

i love working in the Bonifacio Global City, especially during the yuletide season. i could even say i love it way more than i loved Makati back in the days. BGC with its wide streets, decors all around, posh establishments and condos...it's almost perfect!

it's here where i can just walk around and feel the wind. it just gives me that warm and fuzzy christmas feeling. suddenly those long lost, idyllic memories of youth come rushing back.

sigh.

--

i think Christmas 2010 is one of my best yet. i don't know why. maybe because i have so much to celebrate. accomplishments, be it little or grand, marked this year for me.

i was able to make a lot of things happen.

--

i'm really looking forward to the coming year with renewed hope and positivity.

--

good vibes, everyone!

When It Rains, It Pours

2010-12-22T03:21:00.004+08:00

namesake (N1)
a few days before the party, he was leaving messages on my Facebook.

weird. awkward. but somehow, stirRing.

it's been 2 months since he tore me up and left me broken. all of a sudden, trite little messages here and there.

messages that led texting.
texting that led to eating out again.
Eating out that led to long walks in the misty morning.

damn.

why do i Yearn for those little moments we share? why you of all people? why do i throw my ego to the wind, in expense of your affection? why do i put up with this?

love? bah. humbug. you and your twisted rules of engagement.

--

namesake's namesake (N2)
out of spite, i had a night on the towN 2 days ago. i'm not the bar type, but i decided to check one out in Ortigas.

and damn i partied like it's 2012! danced hard, drank harder. lOl.

--

that's when he caught my eye. then, the dance. you know the Motions: furtive glances. the approach. the nibble. the feigned disinterest. the sense of wanton disregard of tomorrow. when i'm intoxicated my level of inhibition drops. and boy, i was drunk as hell!

--

you know that feeling that when you like someone, read: really really like? it's that anD more.

--

we stole the dancefloor from everybody. haters and admirers just looking on to what we do next.

--

he kissed me hard.and i kissed him back. and then the world was on fire.

--

fuck.

--

he was asking me to go home with him.

i wanna get down, but not the first night.

a cookie if you remember that song.

--

just call me N (N)
my beck friend waited for me to end my tryst. my beck friend who had always been there. who've witnessed me in my lowest low after N1 ripped my heart out.

he was advising me against going to NNs pad (i was actually thinking of going! haha). he had all the convincing words. he so adamant in telling me off. he was stern but reprimanding.

he was so up in my case. and i'm getting confused.

that's when the alcohol in me took over. i freakin lost it. i started sobbing like a damned fool. i know it doesn't make sense, but what does when you are so deep into the rabbit hole?

he shushed me. he held my hand, consoled me. then he kissed me.

i'm fucked.

--

have a bamboozling middle of the week, folks!

Part Time Show Off

2010-12-12T13:03:00.000+08:00

why do we bother going to these parties? simple. we have the yearning to be seen in our best. doesn't matter what the original intention was. all people want is to be noticed/admired/deified. everything is so superficial.

damn, i hate parties.

--

that is not to say that i am not going though.

--

one of my pet peeves is a theme lacking in imagination. one of my friends said theirs was: Wear Red. LOL. it probably took, what? a year to conceptualize that.

tonight, i'm coming in a 3 piece suit. Oscar's Awards Night...2 steps above whoa, stupid; a half step above unimaginative; and 3 steps below amazing. so so.

--

i've never been the "look at me!" type, but tonight, damn i'm gonna kill it. LOL.

--

what is your company's theme this year and what rating do you give to it?

Cool Breeze

2010-12-09T16:39:00.000+08:00

can you feel it? it's almost here: that one time in the year.

i wish i can bring back the Christmases of my youth. how come everything was better in retrospect? i miss feeling the nippy air. i miss the folly. i miss the bliss.

what do you miss about the holiday?

28

2010-11-30T09:50:00.000+08:00

today, i turn a year older. today, i turn a year wiser. today, i look in the mirror and still see the boy from 15 years ago.

today, is my name day.

what do i have so far? lemme count the ways...

i am just thankful that the Higher Power gave me just enough. i know how valuable things are because i know what i have and do not have..yet. :)

this year, my goal is total financial freedom. i need to learn the virtue of saving.

this year i also want to veer away from being a cougar. the last two boys (literal) that had been linked to me are way too young.

this year, i'm sticking to my target: -1 and +4 year at most.

thank you for all the FB greetings, dear friends. to my blogger friends, i wish you good tidings on this day.

speaking of good tidings, isn't it coincidental that on my day, somebody hits the Lotto Jackpot?

Night Wind

2010-11-17T12:56:00.000+08:00

lately i'vE been finding myself having a good time with this boy (boy literally...5 yeaRs younger than me). very adorable, yet very profound and eLoquent. sometimes i get stumped on what to say when he speaks his beautiful mind. he took me places i've never even dreamed/dared gOing. he showed me what it was to hold the weight of the world and still manage to break through with a smile and a positive attitude. he is wise way beyond his years- like an older gentleman trapped within a young boy's (sexy) body. he took my hand, led me out of the confines i placed myself in. i'm freed from my own torments. he made everything alright again. the skies may still be grey outside the window, but it can not be any more delightful inside. he healed me.

we are having so much fun...

only, he is takEn.

School or Wheels? Response

2010-11-14T11:05:00.002+08:00

several posts back, i asked this questioN.

now i have an answer: i am now a certified blue eaglE.

three factors made me consider post grad studies over a cAr. the first is my former flame (you know, the one that sputtered out?). well he may be scum, but at least he inspired me to get the degree rather than the wheels. i'll just think that's his contribution to the story that is my life.

second consideration: time. and by that i mean my youth is soon out the door. in 2 years' time, i would not be in that bracket anymore. heck, not even the "young adults" one. i say, bring it on! haha.

third, well, to be honest, pride. pride in where i am at right now and where i want to be. the incessant pursuit of pride.there, that was hard to spit ouT. at the end of the day, much as we wouldn't want to, we tend to feed that little monster inside of us. if left unchecked, it will devour us. so here's what i'd like to do: i'd convert that sin into something that will drive me.

i want to be a better me. how's that for a cliche? Ok, try this: i will rise above what my genes, my heritage, and my status quo, dictates me to be (wait, that is not a cliche?). i would think that the box is a diaphanous veil that even though it's there, i can look way past it.

--

while my schedule is a killer (school then work then everything elsE), i am actually looking forward to more of this. yup, i have this really bad case of masochism.

--

and so the school year started. 2 years of my life already on track.

--

i told my thunderbecky friend (who is into straight guys): "mother, i now know how it feels to have a scholarship foundation!". close to tears of joy, he said "finally anak, welcome to the club! sinech ang bagets mo?" to which i simply said: "me".

--

happy Sunday!

Cash Flow

2010-11-11T22:15:00.000+08:00

damn...

what do i do with you, oh 13th month pay? lord give me the strength...

Walled City

2010-11-01T21:44:00.002+08:00

In the dead of night, the truth comes in a blaze. all the hurt fades, blows away in the wind. you are living proof that life is still wonderful despite everything. these walls of old would be mute witnesses to how the cinders came to be. too bad, you have someone.

T.B.L. Vol. 3: The Game of Chance

2010-10-22T17:15:00.014+08:00

T.B.L. stand for The Becklette Lessons. i would like to define becklette as a becky who is of the age of innocence (or lack thereof). anywhere between teen to early 20s. i want to impart knowledge to my brethren who are of the younger set. there are so many of them out there.

if you do not fall within this age range anymore, you have to admit, you were a becklette once. didn't we, at one point in our lives, say this: i wish i knew then what i know now? some of us grow older, but never grow up. maybe, just maybe, this could still help.

lesson #8: the fall

never fall in "love" on the first date then fall out of "love" on the fifth. it's recklessly wasteful to start something you would not be finishinG. you see, that's what make the becky culture so volatile. our people do not put value into a long and steady phase. nowadays, it's all "i find that itty bitty teeny weeny speck of imperfection in you and that's it, it's over". blame it on the horsed-faced lady from that show about how she found her man despite her horse-faced-ness.

you are not a quality analyst on a production line who throws away the refuse. embrace everything there is in that guy you are dating. just think of it this way: you are not THAT perfect as you delude yourself to be.

lesson #9: sometimes you are the Popoy, sometimes the Basha...
(a.k.a. watch One More Chance)

yes, I am deadly serious. the one with John Lloyd and Bea? yep. that's the one.

this movie speaks volumes of truth about relationships be it heterosexual or beckysexual.

even though lesson number 2 (TBL vol.1) explicitly said that there is no such thing as a 3-month rule in the becky world, we can relate to these heterosexual rules:

-there is always an inevitable end.
-either you will get your heart trampled upon, or you are the one who did the trampling.
-make up/break up sex is the hottest.
-losing someone could drive you to your madstrings.
-friends are the anchor to your sanity.
-there are also the stupid haircuts after every break up. (wait, what!? you don't do that?)

and since the becky world is getting smaller and smaller nowadays (everybody is somebody's ex), you are bound to flip flop between the two roles.

although here's my caveat: watch it on DVD and then end the movie when they say their farewell at the UST football field. that is where the movie truly ends.

lesson #10: ...but no, you don't get to speak your lines

yes, in your head it feels good to come up with lines such as:
-
P: "Five years? Itatapon mo lang lahat?"
B: "Kailangan ko to, kailangan mo rin."
P: "Pero ikaw ang kailangan ko."
-
B: "Ang totoo hanggang ngayon umaasa parin ako na sabihin mong ako parin. Ako na lang. Ako na lang ulit."
-
P: "She loved me at my worst. You had me at my best. And you chose to break my heart."
-
T: Mahal mo pa ba siya?
P: Ayokong nakikitang nasasaktan.
T: (She reaches out and softly closes his eyes.) Para kung masaktan man ako, hindi mo makikita...Mahal mo pa ba siya?
P: (He starts to sob) I'm sorry.
-
P: Siguro kaya tayo iniiwanan ng mga mahal natin dahil may darating pang ibang mas magmamahal sa'tin - 'yung hindi tayo sasaktan at paasahin...'yung magtatama ng lahat ng mali sa buhay natin.

dear little drama queen, wake up and smell the celluloiD. life never sets you up to deliver these mushy killer lines. when you are at the moment, all you have are caveman-level thoughts, let alone the ability to utter coherent sentences. you only get to think of these knock out lines AFTER the event.

lesson #11: stop watching sappy love stories

if by any random circumstance you find yourself relating to a movie because the events that transpired eerily mirrored what's in your life, then it just means one thing. damn, your life is boring! why? because someone, somewhere out there, tapping on his/her keyboard was able to map out your point A to point B. it is then when you are no longer unique, no longer adding anything new to the tapestry that is the human evolution of love.

dear, go write your own story! enough said.
--

it's a Friday everyone! go knock yourselves silly.

Blood/Ties

2010-10-20T17:51:00.002+08:00

i got a nasty "paper" cut from the pint of Selecta Strawberry Ice Cream's tin foil. can you believe it? tin foil! those things are deadly!

at first I didn't notice it, sabi ko pa sa mga trainees ko: "Wow ang red naman nito" only to find out... haha. i almost fainted on my way to the clinic 'coz it was oozing (blood mortifies me). to think I almost sucked on it. Vampire Diaries much?

--

it's official. i have a new collection/obsession.

i am a tie person. tie, as in you know,

this:

although i have some from way back, i'm not really a big fan of the fat ones. the skinny ones are ok, but i gotta say, i love my slim ones the most. i've noticed that over the past few months, my collection has grown to a considerable amount. anything that occupies more than 10% of my closet is deemed considerable. and to think they are just ties!

i got them from all over. department stores, boutiques, flea markets, upscale establishments abroad... from dirt cheap (but trendy) to nosebleedingly expensive (think designer) ones.

i got a whole spectrum of colors. colors that becklettes/thunderbecks would have a field day trying to identify the color (periwinkle? mauve? burnt sienna?). heck, at this point i could "out-color" a rainbow. and i've only just begun. ha!

now i just know there is a Freudian theory out there that best explains the psychoanalytical aspect of this obsession, but fuck whatever that is!

i love my ties.

--

Wednesdays=hump of the week. Happy humping! :)

He Walks On

2010-10-15T20:56:00.001+08:00

alas, i've officially overcome the drama, the self-inflicted pain, the unmitigated languishing. here i am, fresh as a daisy on a dew-filled morning. watch out world, here i go again. i hope you are ready for me, 'cause i sure am ready for you.

--

you are never left wanting, so i've learned. if you can not find that elusive thing called love in one person, open your eyes because there are a lot of people with bits and pieces of it for you. fragmented, yes. but when you put it all together, it would be far greater than the love you'd get from one.

--

my compulsion to shop is rearing it's head once again. i have a backlog of clothes that i bought last week that i haven't even worn yet...hehe.

--

my friend S and i stormed MegaMall this afternoon. i can't believe the crowd. it's been ages since i've gone out to shop on a Friday (a payday Friday, at that). nevertheless, it was a blast. thanks, S!

--

Teriyaki Boy, FTW! although, one kink in my orgasmic eating binge was the fact that they ran out of Shake Sashimi (Salmon). arg! but the rest of the dishes were delish.

--

i have encountered a very bizarre Filipino phenomena...people flocking to Forever 21. and when i say flocking, i mean waiting IN LINE for a bazillion minutes just to get into the freaking store! the line snakes in and out of the perimeter of the store. and what's so mind boggling is i see people just patiently waiting in line. like they are in a stupor or a drug induced hallucination. maybe, in their heads, they are daydreaming of buying rainbows and unicorns inside the store. i just shook my head in disbelief. i've been in the store before, and i didn't see anything spectacular. it's like H&M-lite.

is this another fad? if so, i find it ...so sad.

--

i feel just great. yeah. and i don't know why, but i'm again very optimistic about everything. maybe i've found my rose-colored glasses again. or maybe it's something else. no matter what, i feel something good is coming.

--

happy weekends, becklettes and thunderbecks!

Staying Up

2010-10-04T14:33:00.002+08:00

i guess the last entry was just way too lazy. well at least for me. i could at least tell you what it was about. at least, in bits and pieces.

~~ok, i wanted to extract myself from this state of single blessedness that i am in. and boy did i really think that i finally got my shot. i met someone.~~

but alas, the fates may have been setting me up for their amusement. it wasn't meant to be. i tried to be at my best. i gave it the patented advent-style of panliligaw (side note: i always do the panliligaw...somehow, the thought of being the recipient of the ligaw makes me uncomfortable...i guess i'm still a boy deep inside). i always go for the unexpected and the memorable. i gave it one heck of a shot.

~~...~~

~~and then the day he uttered these lines: "don't you think we're better off as friends?". the pain sliced through me like a hot knife through butter.~~

--

i was supposed to write about what happened between me and the most recent "i-never-got-there" friend. but i figured, the only thing flying out of my mouth/fingers is drivel. saccharine and slow. i'm done with purple prosing. i guess it's just not me anymore. this new me is about empowerment.

so yeah, here i am alone again. single. yearning. oh fuck. i think i'm done with wallowing. at least for now.

hi, i'm advent, and i eat rejections for breakfast.

next!

--

2 entries back, i noticed i got a whopping string of comments. i'm sorry if i haven't replied. but i appreciate it all the same. and i do hope it's about the message of the entry that's coming across and not my, uhm, new look. hehe.

PS. to mr. anonymous...i know all you've been posting is either how fat i am and how unappealing i am to you now. i would just like to tell you to go fuck yourself and i know your IP and i swear, when i find you imma gonna cut your face!

..

i'm kidding. LOL. i completely agree. i'm "fatter" now. thank god. at least i know my weight gain program is working. oh and i can't please everyone, right? wanna go out on a date? wink. LOL.

Waking Up

2010-10-03T16:49:00.000+08:00

damn. single blessedness my ass. this sucks!

A Walk in the Mist: A Prologue

2010-09-22T10:16:00.001+08:00

One hot summer's day a Fox was strolling through an orchard till he came to a bunch of Grapes just ripening on a vine which had been trained over a lofty branch. "Just the thing to quench my thirst," quoth he. Drawing back a few paces, he took a run and a jump, and just missed the bunch. Turning round again with a One, Two, Three, he jumped up, but with no greater success. Again and again he tried after the tempting morsel, but at last had to give it up, and walked away with his nose in the air, saying: "I am sure they are sour."

This isn't as hard as I thought it would be.

I've never had a stick of cigarette my entire life. Back home, my mom and my grandma are walking pugons. I grew up swimming in a pool of smoke, thinking that smoking is as commonplace as the air itself.

As the years passed by, I've probably inhaled more smoke from peers than they ever have themselves. It's easy to spot me in the crowd. I'm the only one without a stick in hand...and the one who keeps on raving maniacally against smoking.

I had a brief but life-changing thought over the weekend. If I must go on extolling the bad effects of smoking on one's health, how different am I to the fox who never got the chance to taste that luscious fruit?

Whose word would you listen to about the war: that of a soldier - all grimy, messed-up, toughened by the trenches; or that of a novelist who went around doing his little researches, all for the aim of literary integrity and poetic license?

Mark this day for this is the one that will live in infamy (or glory, depending on what side your looking from, right Roosevelt?). My goal is simple: I will smoke for a year, then quit. Can it be more clear-cut than that? In the intermediate period, I will write about the experience as much as I can.

Am I scared? Two answers: Of course not! and Hell, yes! One stems from the side of me that believes I have insurmountable strength to overcome this, and the other from the doubt lingering in my mind, what if I do not come out unscathed? The first premise is out of pride. The second is out of strong belief in the first premise, but uncertain about how much bodily harm is involved.

I would have to lay down some rules for myself while in the process:

1. In line with my principle to never make the tycoon roll in more dough than I can ever see in a lifetime, I would NOT smoke any form of tobacco that came out of my own pockets. I would be a professional bummer, a slipshod moocher, a compelling cadge. It's my way of giving the finger to The Man. So, my dear friends, prepare!

2. My limit is 6. Yeah.

3. In the process, my advocacy would never be put to a halt.

4. When all else fails, I pray.

Today, I was able to down 4 and a half sticks of varying brands: Gold, Menthol, Lights. And so my journey begins. Aesop's fox is now taking measures into his own hands. A simple step ladder would do the trick. Now the question is, will the fruit be something that will give him validation, or will it lead him down to ruin?

I do not have illusions of grandeur that this endeavor would change the world. Heck, it's even possible that nobody would even care. But for all it's worth, if I can plant an idea in others that it is indeed possible, then I will have fuel for my little revolution.

~signed,

Advent

Sept. 21, 2010

ADDITIONAL READING:

http://www.freedom-of-choice.com/AS3.htm

http://www.lcolby.com/index.html

----

oh and...in other news...my new look.

yeah. now pucker up and take it.

Come Hither

2010-09-08T20:04:00.000+08:00

damn, i miss writinG.

i usually have plenty of time to write, except when the mind is preoccupied by the affairs of the heart.

speaking of which...

last time i had put my hand down to caress the keyboard was to talk about Venus Raj. rar.

lately i find myself in the clutches of Eros. i didnt really see this coming. but i've dreamt of it. and somehow i am beginning to think that The Secret actually does work.

i have always been Love's biggest fan. and this time around, i'm watching what could possibly be his latest and greatest performance.

at this point in my life, i feel that there is a whole wide world out therE. i left the world i'm getting too comfortable with because it can no longer handle my corners. i've outgrown it's walls. what held me once in rapture is now but a fleeting memory. you see, life is maniacally devious. just when you think you've seen it all and could never get that feeling again, bam! it hits you like a runaway truck.

whatever happens, i always go back to writing. it's a lovely sensation to hear the echoes bouncing off the walls of my mind.

a commenter in the previous entry said that he finds my stilted views entertaining. that really made me smile. everyone is stilted, some just more so than the others. and who can be more stilted than blogger who named his blog as such?

so here's a toast to the madstringsmanifesto, volume 2!

-this entry was brought to you by the color purple.

Waterloo

2010-08-24T11:56:00.000+08:00

year in year out, we've been sending goddesseS. however, these goddesses can't answer a damn question right. it's Miriam Quiambao all over again.

oh well.

still it's an amazing feat to be in the TOP 5. congratulations, Venus!

"major, major" is the new "bongga".

Social Networking

2010-08-17T14:47:00.000+08:00

Mad Strings 8: Set

2010-08-10T22:42:00.000+08:00

everyone deserves to be happy. even those of us who have fucked up a lot of times. so when the moment comes, own it. welcome this new phase in your life with aplomb. be scared, but at the same time be a beacon of joy. radiate your light to all the corners of your life. you'd be surprised that the dark and dreary world you have gotten used to, sure looks prettier in splashes of teal and orange. there's the occassional cyan and red. and don't forget the smudges of violets and blues.

it's funny how life turns around at the most unexpected times. you've never found love in the office? bam! there you go! you've never dated someone so dastardly adorable? bam! there he is in front of you, holding your hand.

don't you just love periods in your life when all of a sudden the radio stations suddenly become the soundtrack? they play these songs that fiddle at your heartstrings and speak your truth. wonder not, because you are swooning, oh dear advent. that or there might be a DJ up there, smiling and knowing his cue.

people say you are at your most attractive state when your heart is a-flutter. it's weird because just a few months ago, you were saying that you heart is no longer capable of feeling. you can not be any more "a-flutter" than this.

T.B.L. Vol. 2: Trust and Guns

2010-08-07T18:11:00.015+08:00

if you do not fall within this age range anymore, you have to admit, you were a becklette once. didn't we, at one point in our lives, say this: i wish i knew then what i know now? some of us grow older, but never grow up. maybe, just maybe, this could still help.

lesson #5: the timeline

as we are going through the becklette stage of our lives, we are afflicted with what i would like to call Temporalis Delusionis - the general lack of perception of time. a relationship built up in a fortnight (read: 2 weeks) is deemed valid and consummate, and a month is considered an eternity. what makes it more intriguing is when asked, the 2 weeks (or the 1 month) mentioned above is in reality a date or two over the weekends.

let's put it in to perspective shall we? here is a very common case: a becklette relationship that claims to be in its 3rd month. wow, at first you are impressed. you go: "in becky years kasi that is times 2 because it's harder to maintain than heterosexual relationships" (i love becky logic!). now ask the lovely couple: ilang beses na kayo nagkikita, yung totoo? faced with this question, you'd be surprised that the so-called 3 months are actually, seeing each other over the weekends to watch a movie, go on a "date" of sorts and then going to their separate homes. let's do the math. let's be on the generous side, let's say they really dedicate the weekends to each other. Saturday and Sunday equals 2 days. 2 days multiplied by 4 (weeks in month), multiplied by 3 (actual duration). 24 days! realize that, we were generous here thinking that you spent both days of the weekend together. that's not even a month! that would be cut in half if they only saw each other once a week.

and yet, there are so many becklettes or thunderbecks (coined by soltero! yeh boy!) out there who beat themselves up saying: "am i cursed? how come i never get past (insert length of time here) with anyone?"

maghunusdili ka! as you will (and should) realize down the line: you could never, ever get to know the totality of someone even after spending a lifetime (read: several years).

on the flipside, here's how you should look at it. do away with counting! you can make every moment count. the moment you start counting, you are just trying to validate the belief that you can make a relationship last. if you were sure about the guy in the first place, would there be a need to count?

which brings me to...

lesson #6: trust issues

remember this saying: "love is like giving someone a gun, having them point it at your heart and trusting them to never pull the trigger"?

my dear becklette, lemme say this: bullshit! in a becky relationship assuming you get past the honeymoon, ligawan, malanding kilig phase, either one of you is bound to cheat. there goes never!

that is a sordid reality. i'm sorry if this is a bitter pill to swallow. but you have to live in the reality we face today. if i may rephrase the saying: love is like giving someone a gun, having them point it at your heart and expecting them to pull the trigger. when that happens, draw from that strength within you to heal, survive and wipe off the blood stains on the floor.

ang haba no? but lengthy and more apt to our line of business. the love in our world is measured by the event AFTER the cheating. part of love is forgiving. let's say you found out he cheated, do you still have that capability to forgive? then tabula rasa. then by some god knows what reason, you cheat, does he have the capability to forgive? then tabula rasa. if at one point, the capability to overcome and forgive is already diminished, then part ways.

a simple excel equation (equation na naman?): IF "love" > "anger and pain", THEN "save relationship". IF "anger and pain" > "love", THEN "escape before you go crazy with plans of retribution!!!".

if i knew back then this simple equation, then it would have spared me and my partners, the waterworks. but then again, what would life be without the stories worthy of being aired on "Maalaala Mo Kaya"?

do not lose hope though, young one. the heart is made of a rare material that can withstand apocalyptic disasters. it is the one thing that makes us humans transcend. for every lashing you get scars. but the scars make you stronger. wear it proud! and do not be afraid to take more.

think of it this way: you survive ordeals and they change you for the better. you are not the same person than when you first started. you are more resilient and you have more capacity to love. so in effect, you make the next person you love a very lucky individual. he benefits from that wealth of wisdom. and it pays forward. i believe the most ideal love stems from a relationship where both parties are already "war veterans". if only both know how to make use of their medals.

lesson #7: pain and how it's related to the penis

pain is temporary. cliche.

however, becklettes who dwell on pain several months after the fact, are not really in pain. what they are experiencing is a fate that most becklettes deny: they are stroking their bruised egos.

more often than not, the languishing pain is not really of a broken heart but of wounded pride. pride is the sin most becklette have an overabundance of.

at this point in my life, i've come to a zen like state of defeating the pride monster. for me, it's more of ok, the pain felt for the first few hours is real, anything afterwards is self inflicted pride-stroking. and why waste time?

pride is like the penis. we love showing it off. but if somebody injures it, shames it, we resort to jacking off til the time we want to show it off again.chow's that for a non-cliche? lol.

young one, it's ok to have your pride. but damn, keep it in check! do not let it control your life. just swallow it down. your experience, harrowing as it is, is a stepping stone to your next adventure.

to end this dialog, sing a little ditty.

Love, Hope, Sanity are onboard a bus

destination: Moving On.

but the bus isn't moving because one seat is still empty

Love asked, who are we waiting for?

we're waiting for Ego.

we can't leave without him

we can't live without him

but where is Ego?

oh he's in his room,

black and blue, looking out the window

let's all wait for Ego.

we can't leave without him

we can't live without him

have a great weekend, you bruised monsters!

A Eulogy

2010-08-06T13:22:00.000+08:00

oh long, lustrous hair,

you and i, we had good times.

for the past 4 years, you've defined me.

thank you for giving me the chance to bang that guy i've been eyeing (he was into hair). thank you for also driving away that other guy i've been eyeing (he associated long hair to effems. of course i'm not! hampasin ko siya ng handbag ko e! tsk tsk).

thank you for making me realize the value of hard earned money (because i spent a good chunk of it on you). thank you for the moments people know if it's a good day or a bad day for me. thank you for the heads you've turned. i couldn't have done it without you.

it's been almost half a year since i've been single. i guess it's about time i move on with my style. there's a whole new me i want to try out. you will be missed. or maybe not.

'til we meet again...

too much squinting going on here.

in other news, i will be posting my new look once i get a shot that is even more squinty-er than the one above. haha.

ciao.

Overheard 4

2010-08-04T13:25:00.001+08:00

my colleague told me about Pilipinas For The Win. you know, that show they replaced that douchebag Willie in.

Kris Aquino: "so, taga san ka?"

Contestant: "taga Isabela po"

Kris Aquino: pause. (Kris conio voice) "Oh my god, I've been there!"

Contestant: "...."

wait there's more. so it was now Mariel Rodriguez' turn to host the same contest.

Mariel: "taga san ka 'teh?"

Contestant: "Quezon City po."

Mariel: "Oh my god, I've been there!"

Contestant: "(laughs)"

bwahahah. good subtle stab at Ms. First-Sister.

Alas, I Am In ...

2010-08-03T05:13:00.002+08:00

like.

--

T.B.L. vol. 1: The Ex-Factor

2010-07-27T03:40:00.008+08:00

T.B.L. stand for The Becklette Lessons. i would like to define becklette as a becky who is of the age of innocence (or lack thereof). anywhere between teen to early 20s. i want to impart knowledge to my brethren who are of the younger set. there are so many of them out there.

if you do not fall within this age range anymore, you have to admit, you were a becklette once. didn't we, at one point in our lives, say this: i wish i knew then what i know now? some of us grow older, but never grow up. maybe, just maybe, this could still help.

lesson #1: the ex -pectations

in my numerous trysts with our kind, i must have ran across every single representation of our kind out there. but no matter what configuration they arrive in, you have to expect that sooner or later they will exit your life. it's a cold, hard fact. i just want to be upfront about it. it may be as spectacular as how they entered it, or it could just be a sputter.

in life, or specifically, in becky life you will probably have 4 great ex-es (plural of ex-). those 4 ex-es would determine how you go about in your other non-serious flings. they would always be the mold that you would pattern the replacements to.

lesson # 2: there is no such thing as a 3-month rule

wake up. you are not john lloyd (or bea, if you prefer). that concept is for them straight folks. they want to fool themselves into believing that there should be time after every break up. it's a way to give time for their wounded egos to heal.

as beckys we have more ego to spare than the straight ones. so much in fact, it seeps out. so no matter how desperate you are after a break up, most probably it's because you've only experienced it a couple of times. toughen up, soldier. you'll get to a point where you would soon be impervious to the coldness it brings. it's like stitching up a flak jacket. the more inexperienced you are, the thinner it is. as you face more wars, the flak jacket can take more shit coming your way and the higher the probability you'll escape unscathed.

lesson # 3: there is always life after death...

of the relationship, that is. don't despair. if you will, try to let it simmer for just a day (3 at most), but not more than that! anything longer than that and it's just self-flagellation. what you come out as, depends on you. would you be a monster, ready to devour a hapless soul to get your revenge or do you take the high road and become a better man? you don't have to worry what road you take. everybody would eventually take both paths. it's just a matter of when. you would never know how it is to be a better man if you do not face the monster that is within. and likewise, how can you be a beast, if you don't know where to strike the honest man where it would hurt the most?

lesson # 4: do not lose yourself, but LOVE for all it's worth

give your 60% in every relationship (the remainder is what you keep true to yourself). a relationship that imposes you give more than this means you are taken for granted. let me tell you this, it would not end pretty. you see that splatter on the ground that was once a human becky? yes, that's what happens when you've lost the ground under you. you fall...to your death.

despite this, love like the end of the world is coming tomorrow. try to squeeze every single ounce you can out of it. never let go if you can still fight for it. always give it a shot. you never know.

for all it's worth, love!

be a romantic-realist. i know i am. ;)

Overheard 3

2010-07-25T16:34:00.001+08:00

well, not really "heard" but seen.

i was checking my FB when my laitera friend texted me that she chanced upon this status of one of my so called friends. it reads:

"i hate myself for being so pickle minded."

--

seryoso siya.

--

laitera friend and i shared a fit of text snickering. :)

Back Door Man

2010-07-23T02:24:00.002+08:00

have you ever seen a porn so disturbing, it made you less horny than it should havE?

--

let's be honest, we've probably logged in millions of man hours if we combine our collective porn streaming. those who deny this: drop dead, liar!

--

try this really out there theme: power tools. i had a headache and a fit of nausea soon after viewing this drivel. name a power tool, it was there and it was perverted. it's one of those things so mind-blowingly revolting, you can't look away.

--

so there was this nelly bottom getting power hammered in the rear. they retrofitted this tool and attached a dildo to the end part. the result? madness.

--

and then, the nasty part. after an agonizing 15 minutes of getting power pounded, they took a shot of his ass. and guess what...let's just say it wasn't dry...and it was a color you wouldn't want to see outside of your restroom.

no more. i permanently deleted the file.

and i'm mentally SCARRED for life.

--

which brings home my point: what is it in butt sex that most of my brethren find so enticing? i mean, it doesn't even look remotely pleasurable. definitely not for the bottom because he takes the pounding; and for the top - how can anyone stand sticking it in that hole?

remember my mantra about not dissing something unless you've tried it? well i have every right to diss it. i've played both roles. and neither is anything resembling my definition of hot. a hot mess maybe a better description.

there are so many other things i can do to you that are equally (if not more) pleasurable than taking it in the/giving it to the behind. you just have to get your kamasutra on. ;)

--

whoever can get this reference, gets a cookie from me...

Mad Strings 7: Ready

2010-07-20T06:58:00.002+08:00

at the end of uncertainty comes the uncertainty of the end...

--

scared.

...

ready.

Movie Marathon 4

2010-07-14T06:30:00.002+08:00

i have a fascination for foreign pink movies. the treatment, the settings, the social acceptance, may all be different, but the love is universal. thanks to the wonders of the internet (aka, torrents) i have a new one almost every other day. i will be putting up these movies. good or bad overall, for me they serve as a window. there's a whole wide world out there. we just need to open our eyes to the possibilities.

Author: Spleen

Another writer put his(?) finger on what had been bugging me: Steven and John really have nothing in common, apart from the fact that they're both gay; and it's not as if two people of opposite sexes both being heterosexual is enough to create a spark. (Ah, if only.) -Sure, they're both typically randy seventeen-year-olds; but we're told that THIS relationship, unlike Steven's furtive sexual encounters and John's mechanical fling with an underwear model, is special. Really? I would have liked to have SEEN the relationship - the actual, first-order relationship, not just John and Steven's second-order talk about it.

This brings me to the main reason I found "Get Real" hard to enjoy: it seems to consist entirely of painfully protracted, hesitant, fumbling, conversations in which neither side has any idea what he or she wants to talk about. When Steven first meets John - when he first meets ANYONE - it seems that all he can do is um and ah and look at the ground. -Realistic? Perhaps, but it just goes to show how little realism is worth, if it means we have to sit through one slow, awkward scene after another for 110 minutes. For this reason I wasn't so bothered by the speech at the end. That was awkward, too; but at least it showed that Steven had managed to string words together into coherent and reasonably fluent paragraphs. About time.

I'm reminded of the (few) films I've seen about the social ostracising of gays, like "The Sum of Us" and "Boys Don't Cry"; they, too, have colourless, under-defined central characters and relationships. If the central romance is heterosexual, writers feel the need to create some kind of special something to make it interesting to outsiders; if it's homosexual, that fact alone is felt to be enough. -This is less true of the romance in "Boys Don't Cry". But then, that relationship isn't really gay.

--

for me, the movie has its moments. i probably would have appreciated it more if i'd seen it 10 years ago, back when i was still a teenager struggling for an identity. but seeing it now, it's more fluff than substance. nonetheless, there are still golden moments.

i would have given it an 8 out of 10 ten years ago but factoring in the onset of age (and hopefully, wisdom) i'm giving it a 6 out of 10. hehe

Rain on My Parade

2010-07-13T23:58:00.003+08:00

i had a brain fart a few minutes agO. i was too preoccupied with the file i'm working on when a colleague passed by my office. she had some little chit chat about the rain pitter-pattering outside my window. i blurted out:

"may bagyo daw, signal number 1 na sabi ng NASA."

short pause.

then we blurted out laughing.

--

what next, moderate rains with a chance of alien landings?

Mad Strings 6: The Sly Ones

2010-07-13T17:40:00.001+08:00

would you bite the hand that feeds yoU? the younger, less calculating me, would have. now, i ask: how do you extricate yourself from the feeling of being part of a bureaucracy?

power begets power. and those who get a taste of it feel like they need more. some aspire for the zenith all at the expense of trampling on other individuals. others want to be a beacon of integrity but fear the waves crashing on their sandcastles. do you sell out to reach the goal or do you hold on to your ideals even if it means losing?

it gets complicated when your dreams are at stake. ideals or dreams? which hold more weight? can your ideals sustain you, nourish your body, give you a roof above your head? can your dreams keep you from being ashamed of what you've become?

the struggle for balance is precarious. it's like walking along a path on the edge of a jagged cliff. one false step, and you kiss the gloom below.

why does it have to be like this?

Oh My Gawd

2010-07-08T07:01:00.002+08:00

stop the presseS! i have to make this really life changing decision. one so important, so relevant, so ... relevantly important (haha).

do i or do i not get the Gold passes to Raymond vs. Raymond aka the Usher concert?!?!

--

one time nya lang alisin shirt niya, solve na ko. lol

--

come to think of it, gold is still too far for my liking. i would have wanted to get the moshpit tickets, but they're sold out. i wanted to be so close, my face would be covered in his spit.

and in my deepest, burliest, manliest, guttural,voice shout: usher pare, i love you! marry me! lol. i just want to give him a gay out moment and see how he reacts.

--

damn, i have until tonight to decide.

--

i guess this will help me decide.

don't you just love 3:21 in? :)

Your Wang Needs To Go

2010-07-07T23:53:00.000+08:00

wangwang. the tagalog word for car sireN.

still makes me snicker every time i hear it. very pinoy.

word of the day: onomatopoeia. defined as: making up a word based on how it sounds (ex, boom, cuckoo, achoo, boing, pak, wangwang...) i heard it from a college professor who happens to like dropping big words in his conversation. well, he has a doctorate in literature- i give him that. don't you just hate it when you run into someone who does this on a regular basis? you don't have to have a Ph.D. to be qualified to utter such words, but what i'm saying is, do it when the situation calls for it.

impress me with your candor, not your pretention.

--

notice the trend nowadays, bloggers are being introspective. too introspective for their own good. is it because of the weather? gloomy skies equate to the spread of the emo virus. LOL.

i'm trying to not catch it.

--

assuming your car has one, now that it's illegal what do you do with it? out of boredom, i was listening to AM radio this afternoon and i happened across two hilarious DJs.

top five things you can do with your wangwang

1. hang it on your tree this christmas. throw away your cheap ass lights. this is where it's at. you get lights, you get sounds.

2. put it in a dark room. play loud music. serve booze. presto! instant club! now quick, come up with a witty name like Che'lu or Bed or Top/Bottom.

3. not hearing your pa-tweetums chimes every time somebody is at the door? replace your doorbell!

4. celphone accessory. maiba lang. haha.

5. this is more for the politicians: can't wake up on time that's why you need to rush through traffic? use your wangwang as your alarm clock!

--

hump day again. why can't wednesdays be more lively?

anyways, my chant: 2 days to go...2 days to go...

Howling Sucker

2010-07-03T06:44:00.005+08:00

similar to the Pacquiao phenomenon (no crimes during his fights), expect this Saturday and Sunday to have the Edward/Jacob phenomenon.

instead of having no crimes, there would be zero sales from girl shoppers these days. establishments, you are warned! your store is lucky if you cater to both sexes, but if you only cater to the fairer sex, might as well close shop for the weekend. your clientele are all too busy analyzing frame by frame this supposed "like, the best movie of all time evarr!" to even bother shopping for themselves.

---

i've often wondered about that idiom, them girls being called the fairer sex. so...men are just...fair? lol. how bout for my kin? don't worry, brothers-in-arms, i dub us as the fairest (fairiest?) sex.

---

expect to see movie houses in the Metro packed to the rafters this long weekend (long weekend for me, i follow US holidays).

anyways, here's a little something i did in the office while passing idle time by.

Advent's Eclipse queer pie chart:

Legend:

a. you've read the book, you've bought the soundtrack/posters/whatnots,

you have a shrine dedicated to Stephanie Meyer, you are the president of

the Twi-hards fan club, Manila branch, and have probably camped

outside the theater days prior to showing, just so that you are

the first in line.

b. you are an obsessed little 12 year old girl trapped in that body of yours

c. you don't want to be left out, "hey, everybody's doing it! might

as well..."

d. you want to see it for the superb acting and the soul searing

scriptwriting that speaks to your very core...right.

e. Jacob's ABS. 'nuff said

--

where do you fall under?

--

can't say i wouldn't be watching though. i can not be squeamish about balot/isaw/betamax/adidas/insert-hideous-food here and pretend to act like i'm puking everytime a friend of mine eats it in front of me. why?

because i haven't tried it. ever!

my mantra is simple. one can not diss/lambast/loathe/scourge/pillage/vilify/abhor/destroy...or simply put, hate on something IF one hasn't tried it himself.

--

that is why while my sister was away in the US, i snuck out her collection of Twilight books to read the entire thing...

--

stop the presses! it's utter crap.

--

have a good weekend everyone!

Public Servant

2010-06-30T12:51:00.006+08:00

for the first time, Mr. President, i felt inspired by you. contrary to naysayers (funny how now i am inching into the side of yellow), i admire your little touches of wrath in the speech. i earnestly pray though that this vengeance will be served swiftly and boldly. that is what this country has been needing. like Rizal's filibustero, i see a man who's on the side of good and yet bears a flaming hand. caution though: temper your wrath with justice!

and i really appreciate the fact that you acknowledged the people as your "boss". yes, it may be rhetorical, but no one has actually done that before. erap, maybe put it in words, but he's an actor and his speech was his script. everybody else saw the seat as a throne to lord over us mortals. that was mighty classy of you. not original, but classy.

keep this momentum going, sir.

i'm now a convert.

--

inauguration or concert? i was beginning to think the latter.

next time, Noy handlers, try to cut the crappy "OPMs". most notably, (no offense to fans) the APO. did age take away the creative juices? what the hell was that disaster? then came Ogie's regurgitated mess. Christian Bautista's You Raise Me Up was totally unnecessary. and then there's the cheesy group song led by no less than the master of cheesy oversinging, Gary V.

the only gem within the pile of garbage was Noel Cabangon. now THAT is a musician. able to blend mesmerizing harmony with haunting lyricism. and the passion in his voice. so guttural and raw. it was really coming from the heart and mind. it's music in action. i've been secretely admiring him eversince but for that performance, i am forever a fan. too bad, the people didn't get him.

--

overall, i would say that the inauguration was 100% pinoy.

--

there's hope for this country yet.

--

edit: as Somelostboy and Muggen commented, it's just 90% pinoy. why? there were no dance numbers! if there were dance numbers, then i would have changed my second verse to:

inauguration or Pilipinas Got Talent? i was beginning to think it was the latter...

LOL.

Mad Strings 5: Monday Somnambulist

2010-06-29T04:48:00.002+08:00

the walls are staring at me. and i think i left my soul slumbering in bed. my mind is wandering off into daydreams. next thing i know, there's a sunflower on the carpeted floor in front of me, another flower with guns for pistils shooting at me. and here i am, dodging the pellets.

my phone is ringing but when i pick it up, it's a red gummi bear. the bear whispers in my ears. i'm ticklish, you know. stop it! i know somebody is talking to me but i just hear the waves in the ocean.

i look up the definition of wonrotpsm. i think i read it somewhere. on the wall. or something.

have i told you my most favorite character in The Sandman is Delirium? She was formerly called Delight. until that thing happened. colored fishes in bubbles! Morpheus is next. he named his son after me. or something.

i take one more hit. more colored bubbles! and in the shape of boys! something popped them, one by one. oh wait, those are my fingers.

the tea party started 14.321 minutes ago. i can't find my bowler hat. i'll be late. hold the elevator for me, please.

who is the sandman? by gaimanms

When Pigs Fly and Fish Blue

2010-06-27T18:57:00.001+08:00

it's been a crazy weeK. seriously. i'm glad to say i'm getting the groove of my new mantle. which is a good thing, of course. i think i've finally etched myself a niche in this humongous organization. and i plan on becoming more. just you wait, world!

--

i'm pumped with enthusiasm about what lies aheaD.

--

i'm suddenly getting a lot of people noticing me in a not so good waY. they've been calling out my sudden drop in weight. i know i've been busy lately. and i know i'm pouring my heart out for my endeavors, but i think it's taking a toll on my physical wellbeing.

as a remedy i've been gorging on food so much, you'd think i'm feeding an army in my stomacH. i've been known for my legendary appetite. and people are taken by surprise by how much i eat even though i stay skinny.

for all of my life, i've lived skinny. i'm 5'7 and weigh 130 lbs. the highest i've gone is 145lbs. ok maybe i'm not that skinny. but borderline skinny and not skinny. how's that? hehe. how i wish i had one of those physiques that do not even need to exert an effort to build up muscles. i read somewhere that my body type is called an ectomorph. it's one of those WTF terms that sounds something out of Power Rangers. it's the type that remains as skinny as it is even though you eat like nobody's business. my opposite is the endomorph. those are the type that just looking at food makes theme obese. true story!

but all is not lost. i read that i still have the chance to get buffed uP. of course, there's the gym as an alternative. however, i don't see myself as a gym going type. the reason is i prefer to keep my privacy when i work out. catch-22 is, the only way you'd be able to drag me into the gym is i have a bod worth showing off, but to get that...

oh well. i'm not too keen on doing something about it as of yeT. but i think i should have something planned for next year.

--

speaking of pigging out, i organize a brunch for my team just yesterdaY. since we have always frequented either the Fort or Makati, i decided we have to try something different. somewhere far, but not insanely far. i thought Eastwood sounded like a good prospect. so off we go.

i planned the brunch to a tee. well, except the venue. i prefer to keep some part of the plan spontaneous. i like having something out of the blue.

after wandering about selecting, we decided to eat at BluFish/The Flying Pig. the concept is, they are actually 2 separate restaurants but you could pick items from the menu of both. cool, huh?

since it was charged to the corp card, the sky's the limiT. and boy did i get a lot. try a whole slab of steak, manahattan chowder, and pretty much what everybody got (i did samplings. hehe). i highly recommend the paella royale and the sea bass smothered in blue cheese and top with german frankfurters and mushrooms. ah. to die for.

--

after the meal, we went to Red Mango for the fro-yos. i don't really see the fascination for the yogurt but damn! i love the them almond mochis.

--

we walked around the malL. did some embarassing photo ops ala yayas on a day off. complete with pictures by the fountain. well, it's a rare occasion to have a hundred percent attendance from the team so we did not let it pass. and hey, i bet those pretentious snots are dying to take their own pictures as well. so fuck them. haha.

--

then came parting time.

--

i had to stop by Johnny Rockets just to see what the fuss is about. the milkshakes are phenomenal. definitely a must try.

advent and team @ the flying pig/blufish

--

i'm spending the whole day today just lounging at homE. firing up my xbox 360 for a couple of rounds...catching up on my books.... playing with my shitzu, Sophia...hay, sarap.

--

life is good.

His Day

2010-06-20T11:54:00.003+08:00

i never knew my dad.

what an ironic statement to say because he's just a few inches away from me, sitting on his favorite spot, reading his newspaper while i'm eating my lunch. he's just there. he's more of a caricature in the house. perfunctorily going about the affairs of the household until it's time for him to leave for his second home (read: other family).

how can you know someone all your life and still not really know him? it's just one of those realities in life.

so lets see. what do i know of him? i know he works hard to keep both families living comfortably. i know he is a penny pincher. i know he is an Erap fanatic.

as for emotions you would come to expect from a father? i've seen him laugh, but not heartily. i've seen him mad, when i was younger, i was always at the receiving end. i've seen him happy, but not really.

have you ever seen your father cry? i know. it's an odd thing to imagine. but i look for it. why? i believe that there would only be two kinds of people you would truly, sincerely, and honestly let your tear drops fall for them to see. the ones who you loved so much and the ones you hated so much.

i've never seen him cry. so what am i to him? wallowing in the fringes, i guess.

--

what's your earliest recollection of your father? i remember, i was 5 years old and i wanted to see this cartoon on TV. i can't because he was there hogging it up, too engrossed with basketball. i begged and i pleaded for him to let me watch my favorite show, all he uttered to my mom was:

"kunin mo nga tong anak mo!" .

it has always been like that. he always refer to us siblings as "my mom's children". never have i heard him say "anak natin". why am i being all emo about semantics? i don't know. maybe it seems trivial, but i would have really loved hearing him say that i was his kid. but that never came from his lips.

--

when i was 7, i had a juvenile urge to play with toy guns. i imagined myself being a space marine or a space cop. my mom gave me this (then) cool looking space gun that lights up and makes all those (then) fancy sound. imagine me a kid, beaming with consummate joy. i was so excited to go brag about it to my (then) kid posse. except that i kinda busted the part where you put in the battery. you see, it had wires. for the life of me (then), i didn't know what they were for, so i pulled them out. my dad saw me do this. he went on a fit of rage. he was so mad, he grabbed the toy gun and threw it against the wall thereby smashing it to bits. you know how in the movies, things slow down for a dramatic effect? i saw my gun hit the wall, shatter into a million pieces and sputter out just like that. i've never cried harder in my young life.

--

fast forward a few years later when i was in middle school. it was then that i was becoming "confused" with my sexual orientation. i do not believe that not having a father figure would make you turn out gay. it's really a whole lot of things. but having a father figure would surely have made me more secure about who i am. and putting me in an all boys school? wrong move, dad. surrounding your neglected kid with other boys wouldn't be an ample substitute for your presence. it would only lead him to seek affection and gravitate towards these boys who you thought are supposed to make him "beef up".

--

we had a happy family life once, despite the things happening with me at school. as a family, we had the weekends to go out. we saw movies together. we played together. we ate out. bottom line is we spent every free time we had as a family. those were the golden years of my family.

that was until that whore came into my father's life. to cut the long story short, she came, she seduced, she got pregnant and she demanded support. they are now on their 2nd kid.

you know, it's pretty fucked up why men would often use the excuse that they acted only on instinct. "i'm just being a man". if being a man meant you would throw away your vow to love and cherish the one you married and her kids, then fuck being a real man!

--

i need to simmer down a bit.
......

--

if it sounds like i have lingering resentment in my heart for all the shitty things in my family life because of my dad... it's because i still do. but we've gone past the drama stage. we're past the things you see in telenovelas. we're now at the stage where we live with what we've got. and by that i mean trying to make the most out of the things we have.

well for one, he didn't leave us.

he's here, albeit, shuffling his time between our house and that den of iniquity they call a home. nowadays, we only get him Saturdays and Sundays (how the tables have turned).

second, he's trying to make up for the transgressions. he is trying to reach out to me, now that i'm an adult. i guess, he is trying to make me understand the impossible.

but the glass already has its cracks. things can never go back. and to make a facsimile of what was then true is just not for me.

--

i guess the point of this entry is to express in minute details how i feel about the man. despite my unquenchable hatred, this is matched by my undeniable love for the man i call my father.

you could never truly hate your parent. i guess that's what love truly means. and i'm all for giving the guy a break. he tries. oh yeah, he tries. and so i should too. i'd rather have a messy, dysfunctional relationship with him than none at all.

--

epilogue:
i've often wondered if i would make a good father someday. don't get me wrong. i still am allergic to seafood, if you catch my drift. but i dream of having a son. adoption is definitely out of the question. i am 100% sure i would want him to be from my loins.

i believe- no scratch that- i know that i would be a good father someday. so happy father's day to myself if ever it comes into fruition.

P.S.
dad, i love you, you scumbag.

Mad Strings 5: On Winning

2010-06-19T15:34:00.000+08:00

rather than loathe them, be grateful of the people who sow envy and malice on the grounds of your success. the most breathtaking gardens in the world can not survive without the snails and earthworms. who would be better to eat your dust? they would soon learn that they are on a fools errand. without the hate, you can never feel the love. be gracious. smile.

~this inspired by you, ms. Botticelli. may you find your peace. i could never please everybody. i don't aspire to.

ok, for the second time around, ladies and gentlewomen, my 49th posT. after this, i'll let loose. i want to keep my posts constantly coming. but i want to balance quality with quantity. i don't want this to be twitter.

to all, happy father's day!

I'm Lovin' It!

2010-06-17T07:46:00.004+08:00

this made me grin from ear to eaR.

magawa nga sa drive thru to. hehe

--

is it rude to stare at someone's crotcH? i found myself doing just that in one of my meetings yesterday. we have this expat coach who's drop dead gorgeous. and he was wearing this deliciously ill-fitting slacks. so i was listening in to the presenter (or was trying to...at the very least) when i found myself in my catatonic sessions.

i was remember this article on Qweerty.com bout growers and showers. oh and if you're not familiar with those terms, here for growers and here (definition #6, it's "show"-er; not where you take a bath). can't help but think he's definitely a shower.

--

just for kicks, are you a grower or a shower?

--

have a good hump day (Wednesday), everyonE! let's all collectively think that there's just 2 days left in the work week.

Splurge Silly

2010-06-13T23:54:00.008+08:00

long entries turn off readerS. oh well. this is not a long entry. true story!

--

i should have stayed at homE. i had to go on one of my unplanned shopping splurges. poor bank account. hehe.

--

my baby is sick. :(

i was planning on just staying home, but my sexy black baby conked ouT. i panicked of course. but when i came to, i diagnosed (i know a thing or two). it turns out, it's not really the whole laptop, the battery just gave out all of a sudden. arg! and i was finishing up an entry. so i had to go to rush her to the laptop hospital (ie, Complink Megamall) to have it serviced. this machine is only 8 mos old! she can't be sick yet!

the Acer Timeline (specifically 4810t) is one utterly sexy beast. it comes with a humongous hard drive (well, at least to me), a dvd burner, high def 720p webcam, keyboard that makes other laptops weep with envy, and it's SO slim! when closed, i can't believe it's less than an inch! you could lift it with one hand and not even exert an effort. the one feature though that got me sold on getting it would be it goes up to 8 hours. read that again, 8. freakin. hours! that's like watching the Lord of The Rings (extended version), 1 to 3!

does having such a long-life battery have something to do with my lappy baby's mysterious "illness"? i hope not. and it shouldn't because i take good care of my stuff! my friend's laptop is now on its 3rd year. his battery lasts a measly 2 hours when fully charged. but still, his hasn't encountered any problem since purchase.

i've been a very good lover/owneR. i've never abused my baby. the longest it has been on would be 5 hours. but that's normal right? i've heard of addicts keeping their lappys on for 24 hours and their batteries are still standing.

so my deduction is the battery they gave me is an old farT.

when i got to the service center kuya said the same thing (cookie for honestY!). my baby turns on when plugged in to a wall socket. everything is running fine. no virus (viruses, virii? whatever), no crashes, no glitches. so there. i had to have to use the warranty to have the battery sent back to Acer for replacement. kuya was all accommodating and all, he then asked me for the receipt...

....

which i kinda lost so many months agO. good thing they had an archive of receipts.

after having my baby's check up, i roamed the mall. Megamall is so much different from the Megamall of my youth. first and most glaring would be: the skating rink is no more! what a sad, sad fate for skaters. there was a time i dreamt of becoming a hockey player...yeah right, of course a figure skater! why? that's so manly diba? diba? just look at pre-showbiz Sam Milby. oh wait...

anyway, the mall had had a make oveR. although it's superficial, at least the mall doesn't have that "tired" look anymore. i checked out the new wing. it wasn't as big as some people think it is, but it's nice.

brasato il manzo di vino rossi and mozzarella fritte

i had a date with myself at Amici (can't believe that the restaurant just outside of my highschool is now an honest to goodness franchise).

after a scrumptious meal, it wouldn't be Amici if you didn't get a gelato.

with more italian sounding names than you can count!

sarap.

--

speaking of which, there were a lot of eye candy roaming abouT.

--

shopping is therapeutiC. my wardrobe is officially replenished. loving yourself sure goes a long way.

--

Memo has always been my boutique of choice for my office attire. it's moderately priced and the quality is comparable to my Van Heusens, Arrows, Onesimuses, etc. (sometimes i even wonder why i patronize said brands). the Memo Megamall branch has a hottie in their sales stewards (i just coined it. nice ring to it, no?).

--

the department store is having a fire salE. items have been slashed down by as much as 60%. i decided it wouldn't hurt to diversify my wardrobe, right? the department store had that makeover as well, it seems so fancy now. and i can't believe the bargain i got. super cheap, good quality long sleeved shirts at 800 pesos each! amazing! i should do this more. hehe.

--

downside is they have a dressing room where you come en massE. lining up? come on! anyway, when you're in rome...right? so i patiently waited in line. i have this odd tendency of tuning out from all the outside commotion. i just stare into blank space. wala lang. you know, when you're fully aware of your surroundings but you're not there? something like that.

embarrassing moment turned flirting mode: turns out, when i snapped out, i was staring at this hunky guy fitting his shirts and deciding what to geT. i think i know why i was unconsciously staring: he had biceps that could feed an army. well, hyperbole much? but still you get the point. that's my weakness. biceps. i just find it so...appealing.

he gave me a smilE. not just any smile, but that smile. so gave him one back. the old me would have said something along the lines of "get the beige one, looks good on you." but i was so surprised i didn't even say a thing. he even followed me after i had my turn at the fitting room. but then all i was thinking is i just wanna get home. my gawd, what has happened to me?

i'm getting rusty.

--

time for another sharpening. look out world!

..or maybe not. let's see.

Three Six Oh

2010-06-12T20:09:00.000+08:00

the week had been quite eventful for me. life is what happens when you've made plans...for blogging. in short, life is the blog killer. ha.

--

i've been avoiding the call of the "wild" lately. i've been shunning invites to go out. i feel that it's about time i reevaluate myself and think of what i really need. going out brings out the unbridled, the crazy, and the defiant old me. should i think about settling down?

yaiks. wag muna.

--

there's no spectacle more similar to the circus than the office rumor mill. admit it. it's the forbidden spice. it's the splash of color that replaces what office politics drain away. can't live with it, can't live without it.

anyway, the latest bombshell in the office would be one of the managers having a leaked nude photo. one that leaves so much less to the imagination. apparently it was posted on Pinoy Exchange by a fuming ex of his who felt betrayed. said manager has the penchant for chasing anything wearing a skirt. the picture showed him nekkid (all the way, haha!) with the full moon beaming.

i've been bumping into him everyday. good thing we don't really have much to talk about. otherwise i imagine something along the lines of "so, how's you pwet, i mean, team?"

--

song best describes what i'm into lately: Feelin' Good.

--

it's so uplifting to hear a compliment on how you look just at that exact moment at the end of your day where you feel like you got run over by a truck and the only thing keeping your eyelids open is that deadline you have to meet the next day.

and to top it, it came from an office beauty. i didn't see that coming. but hey thanks, miss (name withheld).!

--

i LOVE Pancake House. the chicken, the roast beef, the waffles, the pancakes (duh), the salad...

especially now that they have a new line of pastas. the one to die for would be the one with the fancy shcmancy name i forgot but it's with tomato sauce and shiitake mushrooms.

--

have i told you i love shiitake mushrooms? drenched in vinaigrette, oooooh. orgasmic.

--

i've been spending so much time with my new baby. her name? Xbox. last name: 360. nonstop! videogames nowadays have evolved to such mindblowingly realism, it's now a multi billion industry rivaling the movies.

yep i'm a nerd. a nerd who can whip your ass from here til sunday on any game you choose.

--

have an orgasmic weekend!

I Can See Right Through You

2010-06-04T20:25:00.003+08:00

i have never been simplE. i've always been a hexagonal stick in a hive of square holes. there are more facets to me that you can not just peg.

have you ever felt instances in your professional life where you see the top but something intangible prevents you from moving further uP? to some, this is called the glass ceiling. the truth is it does not apply only for women. it applies to people of the rainbow flag. people like me or (maybe) you.

thank god that in this company i am now working for, diversity is like the air we breathE. this post is more of an ode to that sad reality for most of my brethren -working for corporations where they are forced to keep their inner selves from coming out in the open. i've been there. by some sheer stroke of luck and an ounce of perseverence i did not stay long. i can not begin to imagine how difficult it is for them who remain. i can't help but contrast how good i got it where i work. i am grateful to be able to thrive in the corporate world, keep my truth, and still be respected for it.

look! birdies!

in my first foray into this strange world called work, i started with a multinational financial institutioN. 'the world's local bank' is their slogan. i worked in the Madrigal branch (read: Ayala, Alabang). the first day i stepped into the premises, i thought to myself, i'm fucked. of all the branches i would be assigned in, i got assigned to one with a workforce of 90% straight burly males! from the manager, to the teller/cashiers, to new accounts and of course to the -ers (manong janit-ers, deliv-er-y boys, secu-er-ity guards). we had 3 girls who were assigned to the premier accounts so we don't really get to interact with them as much.

if i'm not with friends, i can camouflage well enough to waylay the unsuspecting crowD. note that i don't have illusions that i may not be obvious, i just know myself well enough. i am not blatant when i'm not comfortable with the people around me. i'm just plain bored so i don't express myself as much. i blend in. i wash out. and that they mistake for being, ahem, straight.

lunch breaks (or any other break) are really awkwarD. all they talk about are girls, basketball, getting more girls, girls in porn, knocking up a girl, video games and cars. i can relate with the last 2 because i've always been a videogame fanatic and cars are my fascination. but the rest, oh dear lord.

they keep asking me to bring my "girlfriend" over sometime to get to know heR. i told them i don't have a girlfriend. which no one believes, all thanks to my classmate/then-best friend (who happened to look like a pin up model), dropped by the branch one time to pick me up to hang out in Alabang Town Center. like salivating dogs teased with the prospect of a juicy steak, they never got over it. as much as i didn't know what to do about it, i decided to just go along with the flow. that was way before i learned what the gay term "beard" meant.

as the days pass by, i found the groove in keeping up the facadE. it become a routine for me. that was the point in my life when i thought, 'hey, i could do this.'

but alas, life has a sense of humoR. it would have been easy if you are swimming in a sea of average looking men. what made it difficult was i had a really attractive colleague. i still remember his name. bernard. just the name sends me into that kilig moment. ha! he's tisoy (my type of guy), 5'10, beefy with that devil may care smile that can drop panties at will (at least what the girls say). oh did i mention, he smells so good? not that i smell him when he has his back turned to me. i'm macho too, remember? true story!

he was promoted to assistant manager not because of his credentials or capability (haha, bitter much?) but because he looks so good in a monkey suit, the haughty clients always ask for hiM.

there was this one instance though where i got turned off big timE. it was when the discussion revolved around a teller applicant. he recommended to the manager that we not hire the guy. manager asked why, he simply said oh so arrogantly,

"malamya. nakita mo ba tingin sakin, sir? parang lalamunin ako. yuck." and so, stupid branch manager agreed and voiced out more bigoted filth and did not hire the poor applicant.

just like that, my attraction to him dissipateD. i felt so bad for the kapatid applicant. sayang, cute pa naman. ha! the sad lesson in all this is, it's not what you know but who you know...and what you look like...and what's your preference that moves you forward in the corporate world..

saD. very, very sad.

flash forward to 1 year later, i ended my contract with that companY. i felt stifled. i wanted to be me, but i can't be me. and to be more in this company, the more i have to be not me. do you sometimes feel like that? hopefully not. if yes, the i feel you, brother.

that's when the beckon of the call center industry lulled mE. the so called mecca for diversity. it was too tempting to pass up. a change of environment surely wouldn't hurt. i won't go into the sordid details for now (in a future entry perhaps). but the gist of it is i started from the bottom and worked my way up through the ranks.

let's just say that it's liberating to be comfortable in your own skiN. even more so when you have a position and you have the respect of your people - not because you asked for it, but because you earned it through your hard work. the rest about me doesn't matter.

i got scared when the call center chapter of my life was coming to an enD. i was on the verge of moving back into the corporate world. surprise, surprise! im back working for a multinational financial institution (one who believes in what matters to us, matters most). my initial fear was brushed away when i learned that the culture in this company is what we make of it (read: you are what you are and we embrace it). in fact, it's part of the code of conduct to respect diversity. walls are rare, if existent at all. we were all able to foster a community of people who try to see past the preference.

looking back on my past, i can't help but laugh a little at the tremendous effort i go through everyday just to fit iN. nowadays i just do it for kicks. like this one time i got to handle a group of people. it was only for a short time so i said to myself, try doing the old you. see what happens.

it's both awkward and flattering at the same time when the girls show interesT. i also get a kick when initially i do not register on PLU radar. but eventually i let them in. it's no secret, of course. i wouldn't have it any other way.

if you knew then what you know now, what would you dO?

if this new me got a chance to talk to young, impressionable me, i would have told myself to lighten up a biT. sure, some parts of the world we move in frown on what is different, what is aberrant or simply put: what is not the norm. but that shouldn't give you the credence that you should whittle off your extra corners to fit into the pegs. rather, make the hole fit you. it may take them a while to get used to you but they'll get there. it won't happen unless you start it.

the hive...fuck it.

happy weekends everyonE!

Color Me

2010-05-29T16:08:00.002+08:00

i'm having some parts of the house painteD. for the life of me, i dislike doing house fixes. dislike is the operative word. i can. coz i'm macho like that.

but that is only if i want to. and i don't.

so anyway, i hired manong Joe from across the neighborhooD. i didn't know he'll bring Joe Junior. and boy was i surprised. i normally walk around the house in boxers and without a shirt on. again, macho right? but when i saw Joe Junior, i swear, i'm never walking half commando while he's around. damn bod he got. like he lives in a gym and just sidelines as his dad's go-fer boy (go fer this, go fer that). borderline lean and buff, which to me is just perfect.

and his facE. imagine Coco Martin skim it down 2 notches, bake him in the sun for 5 days. turn him over, and let sit for another 2. oh and give him a musky scent. dark and a little bit overwhelming to the olfactory nerves, but so damned sexy.

'anu pano niyo pu gusto tirahin to ser? (tara, sa kwarto. sabihin ko sayo pano..)

'gusto niyo pu ba pati yung sa likuran? (saang likuran? hindi ako bottom.)

'ser, wala naman po yung mga babae dito sa bahay no? alis lang kami ng t-shirt. ang inet e.' (your dad can keep it on. but for you, by all means! take it off! take it all off!)

the whole afternoon went on like this: him saying something, and me, answering him something lewd in my heaD.

on several instances, i could swear he was staring at mE. you know, that look.

-ers aren't really my thing. and i don't go for them straight ones. i have friends who go gaga for these types. i respect that. it's just not my thing. sabi nga sa Here Comes The Bride, that's so 70's. haha.

so my stance on -ers stand. but i dig all 9 inches of Coco. i'm dying to know if Joe Jr. measures up to the real deal. like a box of dark chocolate. you never know what you get! decisions, decisions. LOL. saying goes: you can't diss something until you've tried it.

let's just see how good he is at 'coloring'...ha!

see you next entrY.

--

fyi, this is my 49th post. i will be celebrating on the next one.

*edit: 49th entry doesn't mean all of 'em posted. dumb blonde me. sorry. 6 more to go.

ciao for now,
advent

Scare/Seasons

2010-05-27T08:25:00.001+08:00

the cab i rode today had spiders. 10 fucking huge spiders.......

made of plastic.

haha, funny manong. so funny i wanna slam your head on the dashboard.

the initial shock sent me on a crazed fit. i almost flung my crazy expensive phone at 'em (they were stuck to the back window). for a moment there, i swear, i thought they were real.

i have an abnormally low level of tolerance for anything with 6 legs. specifically, ANY of the bajillion insects crawling on the face of this earth.

man, i can deal with rats. read: grotesquely huge, disease-from-the-sewer-laden rodents. i can touch them, pound them to a bloody pulp, complete with splatters on the wall, without being revolted. i somehow find this macabrely fascinating. as a finisher, i can even fling them at you!

you know, coz i'm macho like that.

but don't you ever, EVER, start me with the cockroaches. even the itty bitty tiny ones (they're the grossest).

in other news, look outside your window. see them dark clouds? they're finally here! my second least favorite season of the year! (2nd daw o, ilan lang ba naman meron sa tropics?).

that is because in advent's (my) calendar, there are three seasons in the Philippines:

Feb - May: the dry - best depicted by gyrating, enticing, sexy male bodies on the beach that i wish i have (in due time).

Jun - August: the rainy - best depicted by the grumbling, shivering, disgruntled advent who can not go out and party because he's wet.

and Sept - Jan: the christmas season: best depicted by a grinning, splurging, and stupidly happy advent.

guess which one is my fave? hehe.

Mad Strings 4: Try Sleeping With A Broken Man

2010-05-25T15:12:00.002+08:00

i pray you won't hate me for that last time we shared the night together. i just couldn't bring myself to do it. not with you. not anymore. i have a faint glimmer of that feeling, but as the days go by it gets dimmer. i now see you in a different light. to touch you, to feel you, these are the things i can no longer do.

i know you blame me. you think i'm telling you lies. well i'm not. at least, not this time. i tried sleeping in your bed, but it did not contain the me you've come to know. he's not here anymore. i've told you time and time again.

i'm not being egotistical. you broke me first. you have to go on without me. this is not retribution. it's just but the rational progression of things. i have other plans now. i have the world to see, to breathe, to touch.

i used to be a broken man. i'm at a different place now. i guess this is the best time for you to go find your pieces too.

-
alternative title: an open letter to my ex.

James, Oh James...

2010-05-25T14:23:00.003+08:00

i am your biggest fan. i believe you are sorely under rated and unappreciated. nevertheless, i prefer it that way. i want to keep you as is. i'd rather have you relatively undiscovered. that way i get to keep you for myself. so go ahead and sing for me with that velvet voice that could sever my soul from my body. i wish you would come here to the Philippines. that way, i can sneak past security and snip a lock of your gorgeous hair and preserve it in my shrine of James Morrison awesomeness.

xoxo,
advent

ps
can you give me a vial of your blood? or your saliva? i want to have your baby...oh wait.

pps
obsessed!? restraining order?! what?!!

James Morrison - Please Don't Stop The Rain Live

Brush with the Law

2010-05-21T09:53:00.004+08:00

fucK.

the cab i was riding home was apprehended by a policeman because of a stupid move that i actually asked him to dO. i didn't know that it's illegal to make a u-turn in front of St. Luke's. the policeman was pointing at a sign so small, and so covered by leaves from an overhanging tree that it would be near impossible to see it unless you have x-ray vision that can see through stupid leaves. are they doing this intentionally so they can net more unwitting victims?

anyway what surprised me was how calm the driver's demeanor was after the factT. he was actually pissed off at the policeman and not at me! ha! i felt sooo guilty. i caused it for cryin out loud! we could have gone straight along 32nd Avenue and made a right at 34th, but i told him to make a uwie because it would be faster. here i was expecting him to harangue me into paying for his 500+ peso ticket.

he was actually laughing jovially that the policeman didn't accept his bribe and didn't fall for his "i'm kumpare with so and sO". all he got from the officer was 'just give me your license' and 'no, i don't know him'.

--

when i drive, my biggest fear is not to careen off and hit someone (not that i don't care about a life, but because i know i'm careful enougH). my biggest fear is to get apprehended by the law. thank god it has never happened in my relatively young life as a motorist. the closest i got was a smirk from a disgruntled MMDA because i crossed the yellow lane but i quickly switched lanes again (cause i saw him. haha).

the law evokes a certain dread in mE. i remember this one time when my ex and i was almost brought in (in tagalog: bagansya) by men in brown. it was his fault. he wanted to part somewhere dark and secluded. so we went to UP. we found a perfect spot near the Engineering building. no, not to do the nasty (hello? we got a place to do that in), but to have those intimate prayer studies. yup. true story! he was a practicing neo-buddhist and he wanted to tell me about his beliefs.

2 hours into a subliminally captivating conversation, bright lights were shone on his caR. then the blaring sounds of the siren. three rotund men-in-brown gawking at us like we were fresh kill. they asked us to step out of the car and interrogated us like we killed Ninoy. they even asked if we can go with them to the precinct to explain. it was such a horrific experience. good thing my ex had a very prominent last name. and he's a parseltongue. he knows how to speak to snakes. that's what those mo-fos were! they were only harassing us to get some dough. but we didn't give in. all it took was a very convincing call to a tito of his in the government. he even had them talk to him over the phone. their tones changed after the call. they decided to leave us alone.

after they slithered away, my ex goes 'ang galing ni Bryan no?' in between a snickeR. 'tito from the government' turned out to be our faggot friend who can do such a mean impression of a politician. i tell you, down to the dot.

we laughed our heads off and i promised to treat B to whatever he likes. we were joking about it but still, at the back of my mind i was so scared. probably even scarred for life. there was a point when they were already asking for our IDs. he gave his, but for the life of me, my fingers literally froze and i can't get to my wallet. i can not begin to imagine the embarrassment this would have caused my family and his family had we not had Bruha, i mean Bryan.

--

ever since then, i've been an advocate of the NO BRIBE, NO SCUM belief. i swear: if i fucked up, it's my fault, i'll own up to it. we are already so far up the list of the most corrupt countries in the world, let's not aspire for the topmost position. you may be just one in millions of motorists plying the road everyday and running into the law. but imagine if we can end the perpetuation of this very embarrassing pinoy trait by actually not being the root cause. i want to be the change.

--

that public service announcement was brought to you by the letter N. N for nagmamalinis.

--

think about it, though. there are other ways to get out of a tough situation as long as you're in the right, right?

--

the drive home was pleasant. manong driver was still so pitiful though. i decided, on top of my bill, to just shoulder half of the expense he'll be cashing out at city hall. it's the very LEAST i can do.

he even said thank you in the most sincere tone i've ever heard from a manong driver.

that was my cookie for the day. i can now sleep with a smile.

--

and to share the smile:

now lemme hear the collective cussing of: "muthafucker mga jejemons na yan! ini-invade nila tayo! i swear, i wanna make them sagasa with my (insert sasakyan here)!"

Jackman and Rain Head

2010-05-20T10:18:00.001+08:00

the following write up is a result of putting too much caffeine in my body. no, not coffee. but iced tea. did you know it contains caffeine? no? try guzzling 3 liters worth. then get back to me.

--

i met someone neW. a professor. let's just call him professor jackman. moreno, buff in all the right places and tall enough for me, level headed and at the point in his life where he is already really stable. no, he's not a geriatric. he's actually just a year my senior.

i met him while i was on my way to the officE. surprisingly, he works in the building just beside ours. we bumped into each other as i was on my way to our lobby. he was walking hurriedly from the car park just adjacent our building. like those cheesy rom-com, boy meets boy. boy smiles, other boy smiles back. smiles that meant business. boy gets boy's number. boy meets up after work for a date. can you spell serendipity?

as i got to know him, i saw some facets that i find really attractivE. sure, he may not be brad pitt or orlando bloom, but i like my men a little off-center. you know, adorable, but not centerfold gorgeous. i don't go chasing after pretty boys. most that i've met thought that the sun and all the planets orbit around their little heads. the kind of boys i like are those who have really good angles and some not so good ones. that just spells character for me. i find that really seductive. beauty is overrated - it gets stale after a while.

it was a whirlwind acquaintancE. we had a good thing going. he'd drop by my office. we'd eat out. he'd drive me home. we'd talk over the phone for hours on end. you know, the whole shebang.

2 weeks ago he just disappeared into thin aiR. no hoo-has. no nothing. i'm not the type who goes into a stupor after the end of ephemeral affairs. i just think, oh well. fuck that. next, please! too little time to waste on petty sadness.

i got a text just last night from professor jackman. it was uncharacteristic of him to text me while i'm at work so i got really curious. he said he was parked in front of my building and that he needs to talk to me. i wanted to say i'm busy (which i really was) but i said, what the heck. at least i can sucker punch him in person if needed be, right? he said he wanted to explain. oh boy. here we go again.

so anyway, he saw me as i was approaching his caR. get in, he said. and i did. he smelled really good. and can't help but notice his biceps. i'm a bicep person. gets me salivating. anyway, i wanted to keep a poker face and was really curious as to what he was about to say.

'i wanted to set things straight. i want you.' (ok, what's the but..)

'it's just that i have a boyfriend of 3 years. and he's coming home in a week's time. i didn't know what to do because i've fallen for you.' (wow! i haven't heard that one yet! wow! you get a cookie for best original screenplay!)

'i'm not happy with him anymore.' (yeah, looks like it)

'i want us to be together. so if you can wait for me, i will end it with him.' (wow, do i get a cookie now?)

first off, i'm done playing the home wrecker's part. it was fun the first few times, but at this point in my life, i've learned that karma is nobody's bitch.

..........

i wanted to end this entry with a holier-than-thou, self-righteous piece. but i won't. because i'm not. and because i'm but human.

we ended up fogging up the windows of his car.

--

it was fucking awesome.

--

and man, jackman is hung! you know the type you only see in porn? good thing he's a bottom. otherwise, we'd get nowhere.

--

speaking of nowhere, i know that's where this thing is headed. i just know it. but might as well have fun while we're getting lost.

--

in other news, i just had my first head ache of the year. let me just say this, i only get headaches when it's about to rain. my head's like a freaky barometer. seriously. i am very sensitive to shifts in atmospheric pressure. when it's about to rain, the humidity rises and the pressure fluctuates - or something to that effect. i don't know what i just said, but it's a true story.

it's gonna rain tomorrow. quote me on that.

Where The Wind Is Nippy

2010-05-20T05:02:00.026+08:00

so what to do on the last day of the work week and everybody brought cars? get the hell out of the broiling city! that's what.

Movie Marathon 3

2010-05-19T07:00:00.003+08:00

haven't done this for a while, i have a backlog of movies i've seen over the past few monthS. i just love watching movies from overseas. the crap we get here in the guise of "indie films" are already getting on my nerves. when can local directors/producers move past the poverty porn type of "film making"? oh well. in the meantime, there's torrent. ha!

Beautiful Thing (1996)

Author: (colin-308)
Heart-wrenching performances, a witty and sensitive (but never sappy) script, and characters so real they could walk off the screen: these aren't usually things to be found in gay-themed movies, but Beautiful Thing has all of them and more. Where Brokeback Mountain left me devastated and believing happiness couldn't ever last (I will never watch it again), and Latter Days is a prime example of style over substance, Beautiful Thing makes me feel like love is out there and it's really worth fighting for. It has stayed with me vividly and powerfully since I first saw it, and I continue to watch parts of it often.

I don't know if Glen Berry or Scott Neal could have realized what an impact this film would have on some viewers, but I wish I could thank them for bringing such humanity, realism, and likability to the roles of Jamie and Ste. Linda Henry, too, in the brilliant role of Sandra, gives a performance worthy of an Oscar, and Sandra's boyfriend Tony (played perfectly by Ben Daniels) is hilarious and surprisingly endearing. The script is not self-conscious or saccharine; it is uplifting without being preachy, and tender without being grating. If you're gay or just a human being with empathy and understanding (and a good sense of humor -- the script is terribly clever and the film really benefits from multiple viewings), Beautiful Thing is an experience you should not miss. It's a film I will cherish forever, enhanced by the music of Mama Cass Elliot (who was truly gifted and whose death was a great loss).

Favorite scenes (though almost every scene is really a favorite): the "Make Your Own Kind of Music" chase in the woods (I may love this scene more than anything else ever), the bedroom scenes with Jamie and Ste, and the final sequence, (featuring Mama Cass's beautiful "Dream a Little Dream of Me") which I will not spoil -- I envy the first-time viewer, who is in for a huge treat. I like to think that Jamie and Ste live on forever in the final shot, the future uncertain but the present a greater joy than they had ever known, their love a small but bright glimmer of hope in an otherwise gray world.

personally, i give it a 7.6 out of 10. just took it down by .2 of point because of the hideous 90's fashion. haha. but overall, i recommend it for the hollywood ending. finally, nobody dies in the end! take that, asian gay movies!

New To Me

2010-05-18T07:29:00.002+08:00

i have been quite busy at work. i'm still on the honeymoon phase. i am still reeling over from the announcement. i am still smirking at the fancy new title added to my insignia. i am still perking up my new office.

damn.

i miss blogging.

--

i've been lurking all this time. it's so fascinating how many guys out there share the same experience and tell it in different manners. i love reading through these stories. it reminds me that the world doesn't revolve around my little world. remember the little prince? when he traverses through these planetoids meeting all sorts of characters. it's just like that. only more colorful.

and definitely weirder. in a good way, of course. ;)

--

i had a dream. i saw a pregnant woman. a complete stranger. and then...i punched her in the gut. i sometimes scare myself. what does this mean?

--

did you see Venus jump over la Luna? fascinating, wasn't it?

--

singlehood is like a foreign country and i'm a first time tourist. the rules sure have changed since the last time i stepped out into the world. nowadays, there are so many guys with so many hangups. not that i don't have my own.

i just want hangups that go with mine. :)

On Winning

2010-05-12T07:00:00.001+08:00

an open letter to Noynoy:

first and foremost: congratulations. i don't have much to say to you, but i wish you live up to the mandate entrusted to you by the majority. may they not regret their decision. now is the time to live past the rhetorics and put them into actualization. i pray for you and your family (well, except for Kris). please be the change this land has so long been yearning for.

xoxo,

Advent

on other winning news:

i. just. got. promoted.

overflowing booze is on the way.

god bless us all.

Overheard 2: Tanning, Jejemons and Other Matters

2010-05-10T15:07:00.002+08:00

missed the chance to go on an out of town this summer so you didn't get that sun-kissed tan? the remedy is simple: go out and vote today!

steps:

1. make sure you pick a time between 11am and 4pm when people would come out in droves. this is important. the more people there are, the shittier your chances of making it out in a short time. it would also work if there is a candidate who would be voting. more media, longer suffering!

2. lather on an SPF 30 sunblock of your choice.

3. shade? fuck the shade! stand under the heat of the sun. better yet, bring a beach towel and lay it out on the grounds of the precinct.

4. commence sun bathing.

to be fair, there were lots of eye candy. too bad there were also a shit ton of jejemons. oh well.

overheard:

eye candy 1: pare pano ba i-spell ang presinto sa english?

eye candy 2: may S ata

eye candy 1: tanga, singular lang.

did you know that precinct is one of the commonly misspelled words during election texting time? honestly, i was so spaced out, i almost forgot how to spell it until i was roused from the heat and the stupor. haha. so don't be a jejemon. consult your dictionary!

in other news: give automation a chance. these are all birth pains.

A Simple Prayer

2010-05-10T10:56:00.003+08:00

oh g-d in heaven,
please grant this country a change. it's about time. please end the tyranny.

whoever wins in the election, grant him the wisdom to act accordingly.

g-d give the mandate to the one who deserves it.

we need a change. we need to live.

Mad Strings 3 : 3 months after break up

2010-05-07T12:00:00.013+08:00

i despise myself during this void between relationships.

i am at full control of my faculties, yet the reverie is just too tempting. i get into the harmony, i play the tune. i thrust into the chords and i fiddle with stings. i go into a high. just when the orchestra sounds so good, the moment the crescendo comes around, i stop. abrupt. no explanation. silence. i move on to the next piece.

there's a certain musicality when people start a relationship. if you listen close enough, you can hear it. i've often been told i have a good ear. so why does lady luck tease me and i always end up finding a discordant tune to go with mine?

vulnerability has never been my thing. well, at least after i turned a quarter of a century old. lessons. at the end of the day you are just accountable for your own heart. what people do with theirs is their own sordid business.

In This Song

2010-05-05T11:09:00.002+08:00

hello, my name is Advent, and i'm a sing-a-holic.

--

i think i may have an addiction to videoke barS. there! i admitted it! can we sing now?!
(starts fidgeting.)

--

i'm a Videoke bar connioseur. i know every single one in the metro. ask me.

--

sometimes, when i'm bored, i see lyrics underneath people when they talk to mE.

--

sometimes, i score minor daily achievements on a 1-100 scalE. seeing a cute guy walk by: 80!; cute guy giving me a look back: 85!; he, getting my number: 95!; being asked to go out: you are a fantastic singer!

--

do you know that entering 3-4-1-0, you get Total Eclipse of the Heart every single time, no matter which KTV you go tO?

--

oh g-d, i think i'm about to break into a sonG.

Overheard 1

2010-05-04T09:37:00.001+08:00

gay guy at the counter to his bf:

"kahit ano na lang order mo sakin, di naman ako CHOICY."

i wasn't able to stifle my snickering. gay guy gave me the evil eye.

On The Market 2

2010-05-03T04:42:00.003+08:00

as a follow up to this post, it seems it's too early for me to be in the markeT. they fired their guns but it seems all i got were blanks.

--
basket case just upped the antE. he sees me in the office regularly now. but he still lives up to his name. i've had met guys like him. guys with an unhealthy dose of self adulation. he calls me up a lot. and it always end up in phone sex. and god knows how ridiculous i feel after pretend sex.

i just can't help it though. he's attractive. i think i buy his arrogant confidence and find it...sexy.

--
clinical instructor was supposed to be one of those really good catcheS. we had this connection, this undeniable attraction. we were both stable. we had a promising thing going.

that was until he got drunk one nighT. really drunk.

his repressed side came ouT. he started mumbling how having everything isn't enough because no is there to take care of him. he started blabbing about how the nights are so cold. he started tearing up which then continued to loud, uncontrollable bawling. had i mentioned: in front of people? like a raving lunatic.

he screamed that he loves mE. and that he wants to be with me. that he wants me to take care of him.

i've never experienced this beforE. it's like one of those scenes in romantic comedies. except that i'm not finding the funny part. people were looking at us like i'm the world's biggest jerk and what i must have done to this poor soul.

oK... so that didn't end well. i must have read him wrong.

--
atom is a bit too young for my tastE. i was thinking of a term to call guys who are into younger guys and surprise, surprise, there isn't one yet. so let me coin this term: panthers. get it? you just want to get into them younger ones' pants? LOL. i'm just not ready for that yet. i've tried it before as an experiment. it didn't work then, it's not going to work now.

i'm setting my threshold, 3 years my junior would be iT. anything beyond that is a cradle. atom is 6 and a half years my junior. sigh.

...trouble is, he's starting to call me 'baby'.

--

so there. 3 prospects down to 2...or maybe 1. or zero. damn.

--

i went out again. the air hits my face and i feel a fresh chill.

Beach Mode cont.

2010-05-02T11:58:00.072+08:00

it's raining agaiN. after a lengthy hiatus, im back to writing.

--

morong was a breath of fresh aiR. i wasn't expecting anything when we set out. but when we got there i got surprised. i always thought that beaches in Luzon are just rocky, dark brown and altogether ho hum affairs. well morong is a bit ho hum (haha) but it has light brown, near white, and very fine sands. the type you could sink your feet into.

getting there was an adventure in itselF. i got to ride with our deliciously hunky but unquestionably straight Division Manager, Tor. good thing i didn't volunteer to drive. his Ford pick up was a monster. and the length of time it took us to get there was hell.

to get to morong, you have 2 optionS. via SBMA or the ridiculously crazy long and winding road passing by Bagac, Bataan. we made a wrong turn somewhere so lo and behold we took the latter. did i say winding? i meant obnoxious turns that would put baguio to shame. thank god for GPS (which all Ford pickups come with by default) we were able to make it through.

it took us 4 hours to get therE. but the trip was worth it. they had all you'd expect for facilities. nothing really fancy, but they are all there.

we arrived around 8pM. just a perfect humid night without a cloud in sight. a great time to get down and crazy/tipsy.

and that we did and more...

we stayed up all the way, til people dropped like flies around 6aM. haha.

good timeS.

i really recommend the place (Coral View).

and to be a bit on the conservative side, i just made a collage of a very small fraction of the hundreds of pictures that we tooK. some of them are really revealing so to protect my kids, i'd just keep them in my hard drive. hehe.

Heat Is On

2010-04-29T09:21:00.001+08:00

what's with the weatheR?

it was so scorching hot yesterday, i woke up in a puddle of my own sweaT. yup, it's as gross as it sounds.

i noticed that heat has a direct correlation to my indolence in writinG. hence, the drought.

the heat index

--

i see some heavy, water-soaked clouds up aheaD. will be writing again soon.

Beach Mode

2010-04-25T17:35:00.001+08:00

i love morong, bataan.

will post beach outing updates soon.

Let The Choir Sing!

2010-04-22T06:26:00.001+08:00

i must be the only gay person i know who is not a Madonna fan. but i gotta say, Glee made her relevant yet again. this show had a slow start especially from the first to the 3rd episode, however from the time somebody got knocked up, it got quirky and interesting. it grew on me. i'm now hooked.

Advent aka, Gleek #20291278

School or Wheels?

2010-04-21T04:06:00.006+08:00

a car or higher education?

a mazda or AGSB?

i've been mulling over which one i would be investing my hard earned money oN.

i was dead set on getting a post graduate degree later this year. i want to be the first in my family who will ever have one. it will be my proudest accomplishment.

however, it seems that almost all the signs around me are telling me to go get my own set of wheels. it's not as if i drool every time a colleague brandishes their newly acquired toy, but my life is in dire want of mobility.

both are wants.

nothing would be lost if i do not get either of the two. but i would most definitely gain a lot if i do. note: getting both is out of the picture. at least not anytime soon.

pros
a post graduate degree can take me anywhere, literally. a car can take me anywhere, literally and figuratively.
advantage: wheels

a car can give me spatial freedom. a degree can give me financial freedom.
advantage: post grad

a car can boost my sexy points. a degree can boost my nerd factor.
advantage: car. unless, mr. right digs a sexy nerd, then it's a tie. haha.

cons
post grad: spend now, earn later. a car: spend now, spend more later.
advantage: post grad

for a car, i have to give up my reliance on cab drivers. for a post grad, i would have to give up 2 years of my night life.
advantage: car

a post grad can (definitely) hurt my wallet. a car can (definitely) hurt my wallet and (possibly) hurt people (including me).
advantage: post grad

a car can make me happy. a post grad can make me happy.
advantage: it's a tie!

--
in other news, i really abhor the turn out of the Ampatuan murder trial. this, ladies and gentlemen, is like witnessing Cirque du Corruptus and we got ringside seats! to DOJ secretary Agra, i ask you this: how can you sleep at night knowing that you let two of the worst offenders in Philippine history get off with a slap on the wrist while the families of the slain are still agonizing the tremendous loss?

i've seen the coverage of ANC of this and read all related articles...it is just utterly frustrating!

--
on a lighter note:
i'm going to Morong, Bataan this Friday with my kids.

i. wish. it. was. friday. NOW.

Mad Strings 2: On Call

2010-04-20T06:39:00.005+08:00

it doesn't matter who starts iT. you could be horny, or curious how he sounds when he moans, or just in need of a release. come on, admit it, you're just playing along, right? curious as to what nasty thing the other guy on the line would say to you,, aren't you? on rare occasions, when you get a guy who is so into it, you give in.

motioN. you start touching yourself. groovin' to the beat of his guttural moans. it gets faster and faster, or slow and deliberate. like a wave crashing back and forth.

both of you start doing brush strokes on a canvaS. subject: anatomy. you create the atmosphere, the venue, the circumstance for this encounter.

he then talks about taking you so forcefully, you end up black and blue lateR. but who cares, right? illusory soreness go away at the speed of thought. you let go of your inhibitions and start mind fucking him from here 'til sunday.

your pulse starts to risE. you can feel your muscles tense. you tell each other how close you are to the edge. each one trying to out-moan the other.

he tries to catch his breath as it erupts over hiM. you drench yourself in your love.

spenT. sometimes the best sex, happens in the mind. you hang up. you then wipe away the imaginary spoil. no matter which way it goes, you always end up feeling silly on the inside.

aka, S.O.P.s
Advent

On The Market

2010-04-18T03:50:00.002+08:00

numbers
2 months since i decided to end our relationshiP. it's been 4 long weeks since i last saw my ex. different reasons came up every week. no withdrawal symptoms. i've never been more free.

it's been 4 years since i can say i'm on the markeT. not that i've never been tempted to dip my feet into the waters during that time. it's only now when i can do it without the creeping guilt.

so what have i been doing recentlY? i really didn't want to put myself out there until 6 months after our break up. so i was just living at the moment. just taking care of my business. but you know what they say: when you are looking for something, it never arrives and yet when you are not, then they come.

menagerie
the basket case
i met him in one of my classeS. he caught my eye. not really gorgeous, but enough to make you take a second look. tall and has a "band singer" aura. i was more of a substitute for their class so i didn't stay long. one of his classmates was really into me but i didn't take it seriously.

2 weeks later i got an anonymous texT. he introduced himself as BC. he asked if i still remember him. i do, but i said something along the lines of 'help me remember'.

we had conversations that ran for hourS. first impressions were broken down. new ones were formed. he has a girlfriend. but he wants me.

the clinical instructor
i was just winding down my day when i decided to log in downelinK. old school, i know. i was about to log out when i got this IM blinking. i didn't even know DL had an IM function. i first though it was one of those phishing scams. i clicked it anyway.

i got into one of the most interesting conversations i've had in ageS. a typical chat session for me ends when i grow tired of the asinine chatter on the other end of the line. mr. CI kept me hooked. he had a very good way with words. he managed to make jaded ol' me blush. me! of all people. i've seen/heard 'em all. but he was different.

checking him out, a pinoy beautY. sexy brown skin with matching soulful eyes. plus he's got that built i go nuts over.

he sounded very put togetheR. attraction point: same age as i am. i'm envious because at a considerably young age, he is already way more successful than i am.

atom

for lack of a creative monicker, i just decided to call him by the first person that came to my mind when i saw his pictures: Atom Araullo. a real dead ringer.

funny how i met hiM. it was when i was about to quit the same downelink session i had with CI above. i have a weakness for boy next door looks.

a culinary arts student who would be graduating this junE. first time he called me, i called him CI's name because i got the numbers mixed up. haha. but he was cool with it.

downside, he is 6 years my junioR. my threshold is 2 years. at least he doesn't sound childish. he is surprisingly more mature than BC above.

--

on some days, i ask myself if i'm ready for this agaiN. on some days, i ask myself what am i waiting for? this ride's going to be interesting. :)

Hair-o-graphy

2010-04-14T05:05:00.003+08:00

all day today i've been seeing bald meN. some carry it well. some don't.

i just saw my dad the other day and boy was his hair one step away from leaving the buildinG. no, he's not bald. it's just really, really thinned out.

i have the misfortune of being born in a family with really thiN, limp hair. however, if there's one thing to be assured of, it's that the seniors never lost their hair. it just, well, thinned out. you know, where you see hair, but you also see some scalp.

i guess that is why over the yearS, i've been wandering the desert of differing hairstyles. today's 'do, tomorrow's mirage.

i have phalacrophobia: the fear of going bald. is that a bad thinG?

so this entry is more of an ode to haiR. i was thinking if ever my hair goes the way of the dodo someday, at least, i'd have a scrapbook full of different looks i've tried over the years.

20-something years ago: starting at the tips

i was born with straight hair. then over the course of several yearS, in grade school, for some unknown reason, it suddenly turned curly. this fact, compounded with the fact that i inherited the thin hair strands so characteristic of my dad's side of the family, made my sense of identity non-existent.

i hated my hair. in tagalog, manipis na nga, salot pa. LOL. i remember being in denial, trying everything i can to somehow straighten it out. at 12 i had this silly notion that if i sleep with a swim cap on (you know, those skintight rubber things?) i would wake up with straight hair. hay...so naive.

but i tried to compensate by other meanS. i must have tried every imaginable hair product known to man. gels, mousse, spritzers, shine vitamins, wax, hair clay... name the brand, i've tried it.

(aka PDV - public display of vanity)

5 years ago: who am i?

fast forward several years later to when i'm already workinG. i did not really know what to do with it. i decided to just let it be.

until i met my Puerto Rican suitor (he was one of the bosses from the States). he had really thick, kinky hair. and he grew it out! he made the suggestion to have me grow mine out too.

silly, impressionable me decided to do sO. so from this:

to thiS...

4 years ago: awkward phase

yes, it's one gasp short of 'que horroR!'. haha.

what was i thinkinG? but still i kept growing it. fueled by the constant prodding of mr. puerto rico, i hang on to it. (due to the extremely disturbing nature of the horrendous hair here, i decided to black it out as much as i can.)

3 years ago: hey mon!
so i had to experimenT. that or die from shame. i tried doing cornrows 3 years ago. i felt so...different. finally. something that distinguished me from the flock. all thanks to the artistic and patient hands of my lovely sister.

take note: i wore it for 2 days, tops. that's my limit. i may like the look, but i'm not one to pass on hygienE.

on some days, i just tie it bacK.

2 years ago: age of science..

hair science that iS. ignorant that i am to anything done in such place called a "salon", i found out that you never have to carry the "curse" forever. haha. after a long dry (pun intended) spell, my hair finally was something to look at.

long...

longer...

longest.

1 year ago: cut it...

there used to be a time when i consider a 50-pesos haircut exorbitanT. nowadays, 10x that is considered "normal". so, for the heck of it, i tried doing something different.

from something experimentaL...

..to just plain brushed in fronT.

currently, i'm sticking with this look:

---

if so ever my hair goes away someday...will i be able to grin and bear iT? i want to be pessimistic about it, that way if ever it doesn't go away then i'll be pleasantly surprised. if it does, then at least i got ready. sigh.

maybe there will be an unforeseen factoR. who knows? science could be my mane's saviour yet again.

no matter what, i'm taking it one day at a time. i guess i'll just wait and see.

--

my hair and i, we had good times. :)

Movie Marathon 2

2010-04-11T05:15:00.002+08:00

Keillers Park tells the story of a man who blossomed late in life. the allure of a pretty young boy toy swept him off his senses. how much are you willing to sacrifice is the movie's tagline. in the protagonist's case, everything.

there were some good points and some really cliche-ic ones about the moviE. we've seen it all before. a 30-something repressed man on the doorstep of marriage, suddenly getting conflicting emotions about who he really is.

good points: i like how the movie featured two men who are borderline attractivE. by that i mean they are not celluloid-ready drop dead gorgeous demigods who you will never see in real life. they are accessible-attractive: these are the guys you would see in your office, or in the bar or pretty much everywhere else and would make you go: hmm...pwede.

i like movies that respect your intellecT. shots that show non-speaking parts that tell a whole gamut of emotions. this movie runs plenty of such moments.

Peter, the main character is a man born with a silver spoon in his mouth. he was at the threshold of inheriting his father's architecture firm. he was about to get married to a homely lady. their lives were mapped out in front of them. that is until one faithful encounter.

Nassim is a frivolous, flambouyant free spirit. you know those "artist" types (read: beautiful, creative, and poor). he dances to beat of his own drums. he sets Peter's gray world on fire.

cliche: peter gives up everything for Nassim. he gets disowned. he hurts the soon-to-be blushing bride and possibly scars her psychologically for life after the way he admits what he really is. his perfect life, gone in a flash all because he yearned for Nassim. he was overtaken by a primal love.

eventually Nassim becomes over the top obnoxious and out of control. and for those who dig these kind of things: there's a lengthy frontal nudity. (warning though: of the flaccid kind). soon, the once "perfect couple" existence gave way to "familiarity breeds contempt".

what is not a cliche though is how the actors reacted to the sadness that wrought their lives. there were no crying-in-the-shower scene with matching sliding downwards to a seating/fetal position. how they cried, how they said their lines, how they fucked and climaxed (5 minutes sex, tops) are all based on real life. Nassim can somehow be a celluloid metaphor for all of those exes we've had that left us after we grew "predictable" for their "tastes". burn them! burn them all! (hehe)

cliche: there is no happy ending. just see it for yourself. they just had to do it.

i'd give it a 6.5 out of 10. i'll add a .50 more for the understated yet really compelling acting from some of the support cast.

--

lazy Saturday at home.

--

my mom's been discharged from the hospital. i am so relieved. she's doing well with the recuperation.

Mad Strings 1

2010-04-09T04:23:00.001+08:00

"trivial matters are tranquil seas of deception. never let your guard down. know when your so called apprentice conceals a dagger behind the veil. take on the guise of water. learn how to ebb when the time calls for it, then surge when the opportunity arises. water can never be stabbed. drown him in torrents of his own iniquities."

-Advent

Entertain Me

2010-04-09T03:52:00.002+08:00

discordant thoughts folloW.

--
1. i love my joB. i love how it gives me the liberty to express myself. i love how it gives me the spotlight. i love how i get revered by people i've handled. i love how banking is simultaneously a challenge and a cakewalk. i love how i am able to bring out the best in people. i love the pay. i love them eye candy. i love the exclusivity.

2. i'm getting used to being stalkeD. i, somehow...like the fear.

3.i've been watching for 6 seasons now, however i can not say i'm too much of an American Idol faN. ironic, huh? i watch it to see those who make utter fools of themselves. i love watching train wrecks.

4. i can never understand why people smokE. why burn your lungs to a cinder? why make your breath smell like a decomposing rat? why stain your teeth with nicotine? why make those tobacco tycoons richer? why risk abnormalities in your unborn child?

5. what works in porn doesn't translate well in real lifE...

6. my dear friend MV is sporting a basking gloW. i would have to say: Elle Woods was right. Endorphins really make happy faggies, faggier. wait, she didn't say it like that? oh, ok. something to that effect. but to MV: i envy your fresh-from-the-gym glow. just give me some time. i'll soon be invading that scene too!

7. i'll be in galera next weeK. . .

Memento Mori

2010-04-07T03:07:00.008+08:00

my mom was rushed to the hospital this morninG. this had been a recurring pain she's been having since late last year. i was so scared. i've battled with so many morbid thoughts. we both share the same loathing for hospitals.

have you ever been admitteD?

--
i've been admitted twice on 2 separate yearS. one was for a dengue scare. the other for another scare altogether. for both occasions i stayed in the hospital for 3 weeks.

the first time i was admitted, i felt like i was thrown into an alien worlD. the only instance i've been to a hospital prior was to see my newborn niece in the nursery ward. i was so disoriented.

what scared me the most was the loneliness of the dark nightS.

the unreasonable fear that i could just lie in my bed and never wake up to see the daY. 3 weeks seemed like pass like an eternity. no matter how fancy my suite was, i just couldn't help but feel so insignificant. i cursed Tagaytay Highlands with all my might (that's where i got bitten by a mosquito). ironic that a place so idyllic could have sent me to my demise.

as soon as i got out, i vowed never to have a reason to come bacK.

but i diD. the second time was because i was a wanton prick. at 23, i was so hungry for the chase. the burning desire was too much to handle. i was the aggressor. i'd lure. i'd devour. i just had to be satiated. i wanted to run out of pages in my little black book (an essential). i felt like i could do anything and get away with it. i dominated my catch for the day only to throw them away the next like yesterday's news. i had no inhibitions. it's either you want it from me or i go. i led a life of utter disregard for restraint. until i was struck down by the worst fever i've had in years. it ran for 4 days, never abating.

i had to be rushed back to the hospitaL. this time, i felt like i slammed into a brick wall. cold water washing over my stupor. this time around, the fear was heightened to a point that my previous foray into the hospital seemed like child's play. i had so many thoughts in my head. i knew i acted like an animal. all those things i've read came rushing back to me in torrents. is this my damnation?

2 days passed before i got the resulT. funny how my doctor was still giving me the eye when i was lying there. he was attractive and all but i wasn't in any mood anymore. i had to put my foot down. i said to myself that if this is going to be it, i would not regret anything. but i was scared stiff.

i had a sore throaT. chills at night. i wanted to eat but there's like a thousand needles churning in my stomach. pain in abundance.

i felt that maybe divine retribution finally caught up with mE. i talked to god privately and tried to bargain with him. i said, i hope this isn't what i dread it is. give me a chance and i would be celibate for a considerable amount of time, i would even be an advocate for life, i thought half jokingly.

...turns out god has a sense of humoR.

i had this:

this.

the kissing diseasE. mono. something so commonplace in the states. after a week, i'm back on my spry feet. the trees outside the hospital cannot be greener than how i remember them to be. the garden was just an inundating cacophony of colors.

in retrospect, i met this devilishly handsome boytoy some 6 weeks bacK. i checked my little black book. i noted it down to the minute details. we did not go all out. we just cuddled. vanilla all throughout. boring, but safe. i called him up just to utter the vilest invectives and ended the conversation with an earth shattering 'go to hell!'.

having taken care of that made me look within mE: i had a false alarm with the dreaded disease. one of my greatest fears would be to be a statistic. after this, i felt freer than a bird. i decided to take a second test just to be on the safe (pun intended) side. turns out, i'm a blank slate. guilty but clean.

ever since, my views on sex and all it entails took a drastic changE. to my gay friends, i'm the voice of caution. you could never be the luckiest man again, i told myself. knowing what i know now makes me feel so blessed.

memento mori.

epilogue: i decided to honor my commitmenT. i was celibate for a year. that year after, i met the love of my life...

---

my mom had her appendix taken out todaY. i can imagine how horrific it must have been for her.

i pray for her speedy recoverY.

Movie Marathon

2010-04-04T18:38:00.002+08:00

thanks to the power of the internet, i've been able to make my free time worthwhilE. award winning films from the world over. first on my highly recommended list:

Einaym Pkuhot (Eyes Wide Open)

Chris Knipp best puts it into words:

What happens if you're a married man with children in an ultra-orthodox Jewish community in Jerusalem and you fall in love and lust with a beautiful young man? Couples counseling? A divorce and a move to San Francisco with your lover? No. Something much more dire, as we learn from this simple, powerful first film in Hebrew by Haim Tabakman.

You get a brief period of happiness. Aaron (Zohar Shtrauss) in fact tells his rabbi that he was dead before, and now he feels alive. A beautiful 22-year-old orthodox man named Ezri, (Israeli hearthrob Ran Danker) turns up during a heavy rainstorm at Aaron's butcher shop just after he's reopened it following his father's death. Aaron probably realizes the minute he sees Ezri that he is a temptation. But he subscribes to the belief that the man who lives successfully close to temptation earns greater favor with God. He's come to see life as testing, not joy.

Without much pushing, Aaron takes in Ezri, who's from somewhere else and seems to be a Yeshiva student in search of a Yeshiva, appears (to the viewer, anyway) to have arrived to look up a former boyfriend -- does Ezri represent fresh blood in the ultra-orthodox world? -- and needs a job and a place to stay. Ezri smiles; Aaron never does. Aaron's scenes with his wife Rivvka (Tinkerbell) are dutiful, affectionate, and incredibly dull. He pushes Ezri away at first, but as Ezri becomes a part of his life, learning how to do the work of a butcher, his attraction becomes stronger. After a number of physical contacts and a trip to the country to immerse themselves together in a lake, it's Aaron who comes after Ezri, wordlessly, after they've loaded a big animal carcass into the cooler. Tabakman and the writer Merav Doster create a world in which you know exactly what people are thinking when they only stare at each other. The values and the desire to override them are equally clear.

The way Aaron's community deals with misbehavior is illustrated by a women who works nearby, who continues seeing a man she loves even though her father has promised her to someone else. Aaron is called upon to go with a group to threaten the man and the woman. Aaron warns them that if the matter fell into the hands of the "purity police" they'd be roughed up and the flat would be turned upside down.

The beauty and the melancholy of Eyes Wide Open is that it doesn't glorify either gay experience or orthodox Jewish life and yet it coolly shows the beauties of both. You can see the closeness and security of the life, the simple joys of celebratory meals (at Aaron's house, where Ezri is invited for them), of joining hands and singing there or in Talmud class, where the men chant and bang on the table. Aaron's physical pleasures with Ezri are equally simple, and intense, with a passion lacking in his ritual under-the-sheets couplings with Rivvka.

Soon Aaron is missing appointments at home -- and not caring; closing the shop for no reason. There are no secrets in this community, and someone knows where Ezri comes from. He's a bad man, someone reports. "He was sent away from his Yeshiva. He did too many mitzvahs." Someone sees something. Threatening voices in the alleyway and the pashkavils (orthodox posters used as mass communication) begin declaring "there is a bad man in our community."

The film, with its simplicity, its drab realistic settings and its leisurely, Rossellini-like pace, achieves a kind of quiet perfection and memorableness despite subtitles that are occasionally out of sync and an obtrusively ominous electronic sound track. The material is explosive, and the filmmakers and the actors have known well enough not to mess with it too much.

The film, whose Hebrew title is 'Einaym Pkuhot,' premiered in May 2009 at the Cannes Film Festival's Un Certain Regard series. Screened at Cinema Village in NYC February 16, 2010, where it opened February 5.

--

i am giving this film an 8 out of 10. beautiful yet rough on some edges. an eye opening reality. delectable supporting actor. what's not to like?

Can You Tell?

2010-04-03T19:38:00.004+08:00

everybody's been talking about religion all day. to break the monotony: maiba naman.
i have a 99.9% accuracy in telling if someone is 'one of us'. but did you know that aside from that instinct, physiology also plays a role?

myth:
"pare, I can totally tell he's gay! gay fingers!"

reality:
suprisingly, there's some grain of truth in this. it's called digit ratio theory and multiple studies have confirmed it.

according to the theory, if you have a longer ring finger, it means you got more testosterone as a fetus and are more likely to be hyperactive, aggressive and be as straight as a ruler.

a longer index finger, on the other hand, means more estrogen, making you more neurotic and sensitive. so if your index finger is way longer than your ring finger, you're like the pinkest fairy ever, right? wrong.

actually, it's more of a combination. the more equal your ring and index fingers are, the higher your probability of coming out (pun intended) gay.

interesting, huh? how were you reading this post until you checked your fingers?

for a more in depth discussion (if your into that kinda thing):
http://www.human-nature.com/nibbs/02/manning.html

--

this got me looking at photographs of celebrities. specifically their hands. pretty interesting what you'd see.

(for some bumfuck reason picassa displays really grainy pictures. but if i use other sites, it gets blocked in the office. as a work around, i've linked my flickr to the pic. click for higher res. ha take that picassa!)

Hmm....

Romancing Nietzsche

2010-04-02T19:44:00.038+08:00

do you (still) believe in goD?

all day today, i've just been preoccupied with 2 things: surfing and sleepinG. at times, both. at 5pm i woke up finding my fingers still on the keyboard. ha!

i throw that question out in light of what i have been seeing in my surroundingS. are we still a roman catholic nation or are we just living out our own interpretation of the religion? i, however, do not want to generalize because i know for a fact that there are sects out there that still go through the motions of the holy week. simply put, if the question above struck a chord then there may be some point of contention.

have you ever quantified how deep is your faith (or lack thereof)? in my credo, i wrote something 5 years ago along these lines:

I believe in a greater power that dictates the outcome of my life.
I believe that this power emanates to the small things, things that are usually taken for granted, because as we go about our daily existence, they become mundane and perfunctory;

i believe in god, but not necessarily the canon that follows. i could say that in terms of the spiritual, i have a very healthy relationship with god.

a man whose body of work had a profound influence in my philosophy is Friedrich Nietzsche. i've almost completed my collection of his books. works of distinction would be Beyond Good and Evil, Thus Spoke Zarathustra, and his most personal creation, The Gay Science (sidenote: i went on a date and this supposedly "bookish" guy. this came up in the discussion and he thought i meant a manual for PLUs. oh boy.)

you may have heard of this ubiquitous aphorism: "that which does not kill us makes us stronger". yup, he penned it.

what really jumped out of the pages for me in one of his works would be this:

Die fröhliche Wissenschaff (The Gay Science) section 108

The Parable of the Madman:

Have you not heard of that madman who lit a lantern in the bright morning hours, ran to the market place, and cried incessantly: "I seek God! I seek God!"---As many of those who did not believe in God were standing around just then, he provoked much laughter. Has he got lost? asked one. Did he lose his way like a child? asked another. Or is he hiding? Is he afraid of us? Has he gone on a voyage? emigrated?---Thus they yelled and laughed.

The madman jumped into their midst and pierced them with his eyes. "Whither is God?" he cried; "I will tell you. We have killed him---you and I. All of us are his murderers. But how did we do this? How could we drink up the sea? Who gave us the sponge to wipe away the entire horizon? What were we doing when we unchained this earth from its sun? Whither is it moving now? Whither are we moving? Away from all suns? Are we not plunging continually? Backward, sideward, forward, in all directions? Is there still any up or down? Are we not straying, as through an infinite nothing? Do we not feel the breath of empty space? Has it not become colder? Is not night continually closing in on us? Do we not need to light lanterns in the morning? Do we hear nothing as yet of the noise of the gravediggers who are burying God? Do we smell nothing as yet of the divine decomposition? Gods, too, decompose. God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him.

-reflecting on this, i see how he -in playing the role of the madman- figuratively screams of the spiritual depravity the "modern" minD. he is by no means pro-christianity, but what he is saying is that we have come to a point where we have erased the traditions that our forefathers held on to because we feel the inadequacies and inconvenience that they entail.

i do not have to look far for an example. it's something i do (or do not do). the last time i've gone to mass was for the christmas eve. i held on to the belief that god doesn't have to live in houses of stone, he is everywhere. (Stigmata, anyone?).

i also have issues with the Bible. or more specifically: how the bible is interpreted to segregate people like me because of our orientation. Bible touting devotees would quote Lev. 20:13, ("If there is a man who lies with a male as those who lie with a woman, both of them have committed a detestable act; they shall surely be put to death. Their bloodguiltness is upon them.") to condemn. What is so ironic is they conveniently overlook the absurdities just a few pages that come after:

Lev 25:44-46, Slavery is an everlasting institution. Slaves are to obey their masters in everything. (gays are an abomination, but enslaving someone is acceptable)

Lev 27:3-7 Males are more valuable than females. (calling Gabriella!)

Lev 11:10-12 Clams, oysters, crabs, lobsters, and shrimp are abominations to God. (kaya pala.)

Lev 21:16-23 Handicapped people cannot approach the altar of God. They would "profane" it. (i didn't know god has issues with differently abled people)

Lev 21: 18 Anyone with a "flat nose, or any thing superfluous" must stay away from the altar of God (and i didn't know he has issues with them uglies too)

So bible thumpers would argue that "but, but these are old rules applicable only to their times so we shouldn't really be doing them nowadays". and homosexuality somehow is still to be regarded as such because it is written? riiiight. good job interpreting it to your convenience.

see more absurdities here.

despite all this, i see an opportunity- a compromisE. a white cast-iron bridge between depravity and extremism. nietzsche believes in eternal recurrence wherein out of the ashes of destruction, creation is always bound to happen.

i vow to renew my faith. it may not be the tradition that my grandma adhered to, but it will still be one that puts god in the center of everything.

my god is not one who sits on a throne but is alive here inside me, inside you; i see god in everyone; that higher power dictates how i go about my life; he would make things happen like he always has; he is accepting; he is not bound by mortal moralities. i am his greatest masterpiece; i am exactly what he wants me to be; i share with him my innermost thoughts, my inhibitions, and insecurities; i am alive and that is his gift. and i plan to make the most out of it.

tomorrow is Black Saturday. Looking forward to Easter.

Sunny Windows

2010-04-02T06:22:00.007+08:00

XVI
I love the handful of the earth you are.
Because of its meadows, vast as a planet,
I have no other star. You are my replica
of the multiplying universe.

Your wide eyes are the only light I know
from extinguished constellations;
your skin throbs like the streak
of a meteor through rain.

Your hips were that much of the moon for me;
your deep mouth and its delights, that much sun;
your heart, fiery with its long red rays,

was that much ardent light, like honey in the shade.
So I pass across your burning form, kissing
you - compact and planetary, my dove, my globe.

~Pablo Neruda

here's to a mind blowing summeR. i know i'll be having one.

Just Shush

2010-04-01T21:36:00.019+08:00

do you consider yourself religiouS?

growing up, i remember just being "second-hand religiouS". my mom and dad aren't atheists, but they aren't the praying type either. they believe that going to church should only be done once a year -christmas! my grandma (mom side) was more of the "thou shall not speak the Lord's name in vain" type.

every summer i remember, we would stay over at her house to have a respite from the city lifE. it was an idyllic existence, except when it's the holy week. she would reprimand us if we are not doing the motions.

she had a rule about not uttering a word for the whole of Holy Friday. we can only do hand signals. speaking louder than a squeek would make the cross heavier and the nails more painful for Christ. being impressionable young 'uns that we are, the thought of making someone bleed because of our talking mortified us.

and the fooD. oh the food! fish cooked in every imaginable way. grilled, baked, put in sinigang, skewered, relleno-ed...we had to check our backs just in case we were growing scales.

then there's the praying of the rosary...in spanisH. i was just mumbling along.

we also had a specific hour of the day where we would just meditate about our transgressions to the lorD. we had to ask for forgiveness for every single one.

playing was not allowed of coursE. but back then i was already i was already a hard headed runt so i went sneaking into the storage room. i piled chairs to reach the high cabinet containing my toys. chairs slipped. got the wind seriously knocked out of me. and i semi passed out. when i got to, it was late afternoon.

i got to know my lola's posse of lovely old ladies and their hushed chitchatS.

it seemed to go on foreveR. sadly, just like the afternoon sun setting, my grandma got weaker as time marched along. soon she barely have the energy to stand up.

with her, our holy week traditions went awaY.

the silence of the day makes me feel like looking back on those golden afternoonS. i used to abhor those rules. now there is that bittersweet pang reminiscing.

the holy week we knew back then is so different from what it is now, don't you think sO?

which one do you prefeR?

Smoke and Mirrors

2010-03-31T04:24:00.018+08:00

"Ricky Martin: I'm a fortunate homosexual man."

don't tell me you didn't see that cominG. what, having 2 kids through artificial insemination and surrogacy didn't tip you off?

i knew it the first time he shook his bon boN.

i just find it surprising how most of my girl friends and some straight male friends were in a state of collective shock/disbelief because of this "revelatioN".

to me, it's like Eric Quizon, Piolo Pascual, Uma Khuni (sp?), Paolo Ballesteros, Eric Santos, and a whole slew of other "manly men", holding a press conference on national TV admitting that they are all rainbow colored goddesseS. Hindi nga??! /sarcasm

i remember coming out to my moM. it wasn't as theatrical as i imagined it would bE. it was just me uttering those two words every straight laced parent dread to hear. i've come up with scenarios in my head as to what level of hysteria my mom would be in. i even went as far as planning the blocking. where i would stand mattered, if a projectile came my way, i have room to maneouver.

but all she said was, "i know" and the look in her eyes told me that everything's going to be alrighT. and after that, it was easy.

in hindsight, i didn't really come out to my daD. he just got it from my ever lovable telegraph of a mom. he gave me the silent treatment for a month but he warmed up soon after.

what was surprisingly difficult was inadvertently coming out to my relativeS. i didn't really plan on doing so, but our chismosa household help (who's no longer with us, thank god!), slipped up. spilling the beans to one of my chismosa titas in the process. it's true what they say: walls have ears. mukha kasi syang dingding!

what made it awkward was the fact that most of relatives think i am just in a "phase". they never cease with the "when are you going to get married?", and the "let me hook you up with mare/pare's daughter".

my pet peeve? patronizing me with "sayang ka".

i guess what it taught me was that people who care about you a lot can look past the reflecting pool; those who care less are scandalized by what they see and it serves as fodder for their incessant need for something or someone to judge.

no matter how late he did it, i commend Ricky for embracing his truth. in a world of bigots and intolerant fools, all we have is our truth. what we do with it is up to us. let them give me hell, it doesn't matter. i just keep my head held high. in that, i win.

Waxing and Waning

2010-03-31T03:13:00.005+08:00

look out your window and say hi to the mooN.

The Farmers' Almanac defined blue moon as an extra full moon that occurred in a season; one season was normally three full moons. If a season had four full moons, then the third full moon was named a blue moon.

Using the Farmers' Almanac definition of blue moon (meaning the third full moon in a season of four full moons), blue moons occur

November 21, 2010
August 21, 2013
May 21, 2016

Recent popular usage defined a blue moon as the second full moon in a calendar month, stemming from an interpretation error made in 1946 that was discovered in 1999. For example, December 31, 2009 was a blue moon according to this usage.

Two full moons in one month:

2009: December 2, December 31 (partial lunar eclipse visible in some parts of the world), only in time zones west of UTC+05.
2010: January 1 (partial lunar eclipse), January 30, only in time zones east of UTC+04:30.
2010: March 1, March 30, only in time zones east of UTC+07.
2012: August 2, August 31
2015: July 2, July 31

do you consider tonight as a blue moon or noT? i'm team farmer's almanac.

Project: Body

2010-03-30T01:04:00.018+08:00

get a female trainer. = good

getting a trainer who's an Alagad* . = even better!

words of wisdom from my friend, MV.

im laying out my plans to once again sign up for a gym membershiP. i have been thinking about it. getting a male trainer would only make me distracted. i've done it before and it was a complete and utter failure. the gym going, that is. as for the instructor, he was an animal in bed. 'twas good while it lasted. ;)

but that was over 5 years agO. to dodge temptation, i'm resolved in doing it differently this timE. day 1 for MV and operation alagad is already doing wonders for him. there were no inhibitions, no uneasy moments, no awkward actions, no facades...

most importantlY: no sex thoughts! (shudders. see *)

the things are set in motioN. my goal: beach worthy body by summer next year.

*Alagad ni Aiza a.k.a. Lulus, lesbianesians, leslies...

When It Ends

2010-03-29T00:21:00.005+08:00

i know there's little use in crying
its more wide awake and dying
than i'm used to.
i thought we'd walk these streets together
and now i'm hoping that i'll never have to meet you
step aside from all this anger
and somewhere in between i can feel you
ask me should we try again i'm thinking
oh no, its not what i believe in
its not what i believe in.

~Ghost of You,
H. Day

i don't know why i keep doing thiS. i know i'm the one who decided to call it quits after the umpteenth time.

we've hurt each other so many times over the 3 years we were togetheR. i made my resolve to end it.

yet he is still herE. in my bed.

A Moment of Darkness

2010-03-27T21:53:00.001+08:00

hindi por que madilim, may mangyayari na.

-Earth Hour